Write
Published: March 03, 2009
Want to write? Have an urge to scribble? Need to see your thoughts up in pixels? No idea how to begin or what to think about the milk in your fridge? Well, your milk will probably be fine, but if you’re having some problems writing something and you’re staring at the Blinking Cursor Of Doom and feeling like an empty-brained fleshbag with silly hair, you can always choose to add to the continuing columns on Wordsmoker.
Here they are in no particular order to stimulate your imagination:
Quick Reviews Of Things: Who wants to read an in-depth review of anything these days? You can get that in other places, maybe by people who get paid to do it, too! Screw them – boil your experience of literature, television, cinema, theater, art, music OH WHATEVER down to the shortest possible amount of words. Maybe about 5 or something. It’s up to you, my darling.
Wordsmoker Anthropology: The best thing about Wordsmoker? The eclectic collection of people who read and write here. Because they are an eclectic collection of people who (are also pretty smart), feel free to ask them anything, probably by framing the question using your own experience, which I think you’ll agree makes perfect sense. You’ll probably get BILLIONS if not MILLIONS of comments. Especially if it’s sexual, or you’re admitting to what could really be defined as “a felony” in public.
Life Lessons: Have you learned anything during your life that you would like to share with everyone else? Something that could possibly save someone else from a painful death involving poorly-maintained agricultural machinery? Or anything else that isn’t about grisly farm-manglings? It’s all good.
Audiosmoker: In the FUTURE, Audiosmoker will be spun off as a separate entity, but that’s not important right now – what’s important right now is that it’s all about music, so if you love music, or have discovered a new band you’d like to share with others, write about it here.
Jobsmoker: Do you work? Have you worked? Do you remember any of it? Write about your workplace, vent about your colleagues and chat with others about toilet etiquette in the 21st Century.
WRONG= : Have you found something that is plainly Wrong. Just, it just signifies “wrong”? It’s hard to put a finger on it really, the only thing you’re sure of is that it is WRONG.
I Don’t Get: Is there something everybody is going on about like “wow this thing is this and you must this and this” and is it getting on your brain tits? Rant against the dying of the light. Do it.
20 Things About Me: List twenty things about you. Things, you know, about, eh. Yourself. It’s like, twenty things? About you? A list. Twenty!
20 Lies About Me: Yeah – subvert the 20 Things About Me meme by constructing 20 patently ridiculous facts about yourself. Tell us you were the 15th person to walk on the Moon, right after Ricardo Montalban and his all-ferret Moon-army. Include 21 things for comedic effect.
Sex Diary: Want to imagine you’re someone actually having sex? Or have you an overwhelming urge to write something about a sexy-time, actual or fictional? Yeah. We’re all perv’s at heart, so look lower and stimulate our groin-cells.
Things Unnecessary: Have you discovered something that Is Plainly Not Necessary? Tennis rackets for hamsters? Pancakes For Cars? Something so elementally stupid in it’s conception, so paradoxically hate-filled in it’s production that it wants you to release a flu-like toxin that kills the entire human race? Then this is the place to write about it! Yeah – get it out your system before you kill again!
Things Very Necessary: Just like the bit above this bit, but different – is there something out there which you truly believe is Very Necessary? Prove your case. Perhaps obtain sponsorship of some kind in the future. Anything is possible.
Legal: There’s a lot of lawyers on Wordsmoker for some reason. Perhaps it’s the latent aroma of a future class-action? Whatever the reason, legal points are welcome.
iTuneless: Got a song running around your head like a hyperactive child on a skateboard made of rattlesnakes? Can’t get rid of it? Oh baby – bitch about it here and exorcise your ears.
Cinema: We like cinema. Is there a movie you think has been forgotten? Then write about it at length in “Forgotten Films”. Or something you want to review? Ramble on at great length about it.
Television: Television is dying like the electric buffalo it is. That statement means nothing. Write about television. Go on. Do it.
Wordsmoker Short Fiction: Got a little story you wrote with your fingers and mind? Publish it here.
Wordsmoker Poetry: Oh, it’s poetry – anything goes.
Rants: Would you enjoy getting the succubus of righteous anger off your chest? I bet you would. Write a possibly incoherent diatribe about something that annoys the socks of you. Cursing like a sailor with Tourette’s is entirely optional.
Hard Times: We’re currently going through an unimaginable global financial apocalypse. We’re all caught up in it. How are you dealing with it? Have you been sacked? Bought out? Let go? Discarded? Tell your story, let it out, share. You’ll find out that you’re not alone by any means.
Also, I’ve Never… : Have you never seen “Titanic”? Never used public transport? Never heard “The Smiths”? Never donated to Wordsmoker because you’re under the illusion that it’s run by a shadowy cabal of lizard people taking orders from a giant, angry hamster with C4 stored in it’s massive cheeks? What have you never done, essentially – and why.
Dating Disasters: Had a terrible date? Let us know what went wrong, and why, so humanity can – as a large, homogenous mass – date each other better in the future. It’s a public service.
Perv-Off!: Writing teh sexy prose is a high-wire act. On one side, you can come off as cold, staid and frankly boring – on the other you can appear to others like some deviant with a love egg hanging from each ear with a series of home-made teledildonics attached to your genitals and both knees for some reason. We say fuck it – fall off the wire and write some far-out or freak-imaged nonsense while patently being uncaring about the response. Anything goes, apart from the stuff that doesn’t go, obviously.
Wordstalker: Have you met someone famous? Write about it. Famous!
Poetic Piss-off: Got a poet you love to hate? Want to mimic them writing about something stupid in their own stupid manner with a little picture of their stupid face beside it to drive home the appearance that your stupid poet person wrote it because they are stupid, stupid-faced poet that they are? It may be a niche category, but if you answered “yes” or “hmm” to both the above questions, then this is for you.
You see? There’s lots of stuff you can write about, isn’t there? I know! Options! To spread the shapely legs of the above categories even further, well, you can write really about anything. The rule of thumb is awfully easy, nay almost sexual – if you find it interesting enough to write about, then it’s almost guaranteed to get published. We can’t say fairer than that, darling. Mail your mind-output-typey-bashings, or any questions to:
Remember – having something you’ve created enjoyed by others is the perfect drug, but if feelings of creative validation last for more than four hours, consult your editor.
