Like sex, the Oscars only happen once a year. Like sex, it involves a lot of forced smiling, awkward toilet breaks and hurried speeches. Like sex, it begins with a big number and promises untold, only for it to end with everyone involved dying to get home to change their underwear. Like sex, I have to watch it on the internet.

Yes, lolspeak will be the death of me. Before the death of me, I’ll probably be live-blogging the Oscars, which happens in 33 days according to their website. They have just released the nominations, and I have typed every one of the main ones out in full so I could garner your thoughts on who you think should win. Or who will win, but shouldn’t. Or who will wear a dress the color of midnight swamp.