Hello. I’m sorry about this, but I’m not doing too good at the moment, and I need to take a break from everything. So I’m delegating mostly everything to ReneSance for the time being. If you’ve mailed some copy in recently (or over the past two weeks) to the mailbox then it should get posted sometime soon. Please be patient with Rene while he (and probably Chillbear) go through them all.
Hello my darlings! Isn’t the internet a lovely place? It’s filled with people saying lovely – if not vaguely pornographic – things about each other. Why only the other day a young lady commented on how nice my trousers were! Her trouser comment filled me with joy, but I still paid a hitman to push her down the nearest flight of stairs BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THE INTERNET IS – IT’S FILLED WITH HATE THE MINUTE YOU THINK IT’S FILLED ONLY WITH LOVE AND IT CAN TURN ON YOU LIKE A MICROSCOPIC BOXER WEARING LITTLE NANO-GLOVES DANCING ON THE HEAD OF AN ATOMIC PIN.
Ever wonder how Wordsmoker gets put together? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU DO? Isn’t there enough going on in your life to think about besides this? Even I don’t think about how it gets put together and I’m the Editor. All I do is wake up, not shave, and start clicking on shit and apologizing to people because I haven’t answered their emails in a month. That’s it in a nutshell. Oh – Intern Strawberry Shortcake and I have intense editorial discussions that sometimes go off-topic. This latest one started after Strawbs came back from lunch and for it, I am truly sorry.
Holy Toledo Crap! Several pedants I know and love *ahem* ‘Penguino, ‘Latrigue and ‘Sance *ahem* have been getting their KNICKERS in a joyously excited twist (or panties in a love-bundle, if you prefer) over the FACT that comment number 30,000 is quickly and serenely coming our way like a big plastic steamroller driven by a clown who’s just fallen off the wagon. 30,000! Clown!
Yes, it was a weird period, the end of last year, the end of the decade. I spent it inebriated in one way or another, and got so drunk on New Year’s Eve I actually said something nice to Senor Wences. Before you say anything – of course I regret it, and I’ve cancelled my tickets to Omaha, or wherever the fuck it is he stays. Of course – between getting drugged out of my tits and the Wences-loving, a small backlog in articles grew in the electric mail box.
Hello YES I’M DEALING WITH IT NOW. The email backlog, I mean. If you’ve sent copy in by email over – say, the last year – and it hasn’t been responded to then DON’T PANIC because it’s in the big electric wordlist on my screen that appears when I click my mouse. In other, slightly different words – I’ll start work on publishing your HOT BUNDLES OF COPY as a series of posts on this very site very soon oh yes.
Hello there. Remember earlier on in the year, we were all giggling with astonishment and general love over the stories of now, sadly, ex-Wordsmoker N**d? Yes, that’s right – N**d. One of the saddest days of this year was when I received an electric mail from him, asking to get all his articles and comments deleted, because some internet twat had linked the amazing stories of N**d to his actual, real-life person. Depressing!
Hello you sexy internet bastards! It was little more than a decade 11 months ago that Wordsmoker (the thing you are reading now) started off out of sheer frustration at the continual mind-squishing, back-stabbing bitch-shed that Alan’s toy Gawker had become. Well, ladies and gentlemen of all sizes – pat yourselves on the back and maybe massage my stupid sore shoulder, because we just reached 1500 posts!
This week was a week of learning here at the Wordsmoker offices. I learned how Mr Shoes likes things done around the office and a whole lot about Scottish culture and how that directly relates to what I should be putting in my mouth! I also learned a lot about how to get on top in this cut throat industry of websites. Oh and I learned that Alan Denton will step on that flaming bag poo no matter how many times in a row we leave it on his doorstep. Yep, busy week for me in the office!
Looking back, I should have been more skeptical, but I was young and naive. It was almost a year ago….
“Wanna make a loyd a dough?” was the greeting in my inbox from a man named “John.” I had never seen the name before, but he signed it VirusWithShoes. Aha! I thought, I know that name.
It’s been about a year, but I now feel comfortable telling my story about my time as a Wordsmoker intern.
Something’s afoot. Although I’ve been an intern for Mr. Shoes for seven years now, I’ve recently been fired and without any reason or notice. Lord knows I’ve done my best for Mr. Shoes and I’ve certainly tried to meet every one of his needs.In the early a.m., I arrive and go directly to Mr. Shoes’ kitchen and prepare his tea. I serve him three chocolate digestive biscuits along with a nice dish of muesli and raisins – keeps him regular, of course. Once I’ve finished with the breakfast dishes, I do a few odd jobs like shaking out the rugs and running my old feather duster over Mr. Shoes’ books. He’s a bit messy, but I’ve never minded. I’ve learned to wash his pint glasses with water as hot as I can bear it and I’ve never complained once about my chapped red hands. You know what they say about cleanliness and all.
Hi it’s me, The Wordsmoker Intern! I am trying to get as much out of my internship as possible so I am going to share all the insights I get with you! If you have a question about how things are done around the office (how Virus takes his coffee, what kind of office chair I have, etc..) let me know and I will find out the answers for you!
This week was my first week as the intern here and boy was it an exciting one! I have learned a lot and I can tell this position is going to open my eyes to a whole new world. The super sexy world of power! But least anyone get confused, I have no power. I am just the intern. I get the coffee. But I am closer to the power now and that is pretty exciting!
Hello, my name is Slim Shady. I’ve installed a new messaging system alongside the normal awful system we’ve been using because The Baroness BERATED ME on the Ch-Changes thread and I cried. To be honest, I was getting sick of it myself, so I went and found some new code. I’ve installed it for you all to test out. If you think it’s working to a reasonable extent, there’s apparently a more professional version available at some cost, which I don’t know yet, but which I will FIND OUT if you think the new system looks promising.
Hello. I’m David Bowie Your Editor, and I’m writing this on my new Windows 7 laptop while I ride an emotionally-disturbed unicorn across cyberspace. Like in the movies. HAH I FOOLED YOU SILLY FACE! Of course I don’t have a laptop – I never leave the house! And only masochists install a Windows operating system before the first Service Pack, didn’t the death of Ricardo Montalban teach you anything?
A number of years ago the American Beef Council or some purveyor of fine meats used the saying “Give the Gift of Meat” as a holiday sales campaign slogan. Those of us with somewhat juvenile senses of humor thought that was incredibly funny.
Today there are still some businesses that use the slogan without trying to be intentionally comedic. Many of these ad campaigns come from Australia, where it is well-known that the inhabitants are generally free of the affliction of irony.
