Things Unnecessary: The Brief Safe
Published: June 29, 2010
Our house was burglarized last year. The perpetrators kicked in our French doors in the back of the house, and managed to take off with our XBOX 360, Wii, MacBook, the zoom lens for our SLR camera, and Mr. MarshMueller’s fancy hiking/photography backpack. We were pissed. We were violated. We were grateful they didn’t take real things of value, like identity documents, heirloom jewelry, and grateful they didn’t steal/harm our animals. But we were still pissed.
My days usually consist of rolling out of bed at the crack of noon-thirty, risking bathing in the 50/50 Scalding Water, Ice Water Roulette Shower of Doom, get ready and go off to work to deal with idiotic, simple minded jerks from the public for eight hours, then come home and play Call of Duty until the wee hours (true story). Occasionally though, I see products that make me stop and wonder just what in the hell is wrong with people these days.
You’re gonna need a banana, duct tape, and a knife.
Ever wanted to know what it would be like to fuck a dead guy (other than that really drunk bro from the bar who couldn’t get it up)? I know I have!
As you may have just read, I visited Gawker in depth for the first time this morning. It’s there I saw an ad for SyFy, the brand new new brand image of the SciFi channel, coming in July.
Silly, silly humans. All you are doing is making yourself look extra delicious. Your silly panda food accessories will just be desert to the feast that is you.

Oh, how I long for a simpler day. A day in which one can drive, or steer the cart, rather, down the empty cobblestone avenues, taking your sweet, sweet ass time staring at the clouds and daydreaming about one day maybe being chosen by the Jonas Brothers to play bass in the backup band.
Here’s the Oscar Nom’s if you fancy playing.
Those little copper discs masquerading as American currency – and the reason 99-cent menus exist at all – will continue to jangle around in your pockets and make your hands smell funny for a few years more. That’s because the U.S. mint has issued 

