I wish I were writing this as I was sitting in a spa in Costa Rica sipping some fruity concoction after my seaweed wrap – waiting for my sliced papaya – while Lupe gives me reflexology and Juan Carlos rubs my shoulders.  Oh, if it were only about my skin or my weight. Actually, I have been staying close to home (which is full of cat hair and crap Mr. Hagen & I never seem to throw out in a freezing January) detoxing from DRUGS!

By now you’ve heard: The Haitians brought it upon themselves. That’s right; they made a pact with the Devil, so they could become a free people. That has led to their misery and suffering, and now, to the flattening of their country.

We have it on good authority: Pat Robertson told us so. And if there’s anyone who knows what’s up with Beelzebub, it’s Pat Robertson.

I’m annoyed. There are a lot of people out there in the world who have what could kindly be described as a tenuous grasp on the rudiments of political and economic philosophy. Like the dude to the left.

And, you know, his ilk.

A friend of the Spys family, Mr. Partridge, owns a vineyard; it has been in the Partridge family for many years. During prohibition, this law-abiding family sold grape juice instead of wine. Indeed, the family did a booming business during this era.  Perhaps it was because with each bottle of grape juice, the Partridge Family Vintners included a little public service flyer:  explicit instructions on how to prevent the juice from fermenting.  Should one do the opposite of the stated directions, the grape juice surely becomes wine. Along those lines…

You know the old blog post topic about how the word “douchebag” has jumped the shark, and we need to stop using it and/or come up with a substitute? Well that topic has jumped the shark, and it’s time to stop writing about it.

First of all, it’s pointless, because the pejorative use of  “douchebag” (and it’s cousin “douche”) will probably persist forever. Second, this has become one of the most unoriginal blog post topics on the Web: Ever since Emily Gould used it in a terrific, witty Gawker piece she wrote back in 2006, it’s been done to death.

Don’t believe me? Just check out the list of a half-dozen blog posts on the topic (the latest published just yesterday) that I’ve assembled here.

Young Woman: Fmm fmmm fmmmmmmm!

I: What?

YW: Fmm fmmm!  Fmmm fmmmm fmmm fmmmmmmmm!

I: What?  Hold on, sorry.  Let me turn down my stereo blaring really loud metal music that is particularly awesome.  There.  Is that better?

YW: Yeah. What the fuck did you flip me off for?

Yeah, we get it.

You hate homosexuals.

Yes… you. The narrow-minded, Bible-verse-flinging, ignorant, spiteful, fear-mongering segment of the population that views the idea of people loving people of the same sex so abhorrent, that if you could get away with it, you’d no doubt tie them to stakes and set them ablaze.

Well, here we are, boys and girls and whatevers, another Thanksgiving is upon us. I’ve come to the conclusion that I dislike Thanksgiving and almost all it stands for.

For starters, why do we have to have a special day to be grateful for our blessings? Is that not artificial? OK, cool, here we are, fat, rich, and happy. Let’s drop a box of mac & cheese off at the homeless shelter to feel good about ourselves and re-enforce our position in life. Then we’ll go spend money at the mall the next day. No, gratitude is like New Year’s resolutions. If it’s that important, you shouldn’t wait.

I married a guy who is more religious than I am. Not by leaps and bounds, mind you–we both grew up observing the minutiae of Orthodox Judaism, like not activating electricity, cooking, or driving on the Sabbath; not eating packaged food which does not bear a mark of kosher supervision; shaking palm fronds and citrons and eating in huts on Sukkot and forgoing the five grains on Passover. You name the insanity, and we’ve observed it.

Am I finally, officially old?

I seem to have transcended the jangly heart-pounding hatred I was feeling for the Right and obtained a floppy weary old-socks-sagging-around-the-ankles kind of profound lethargy in response to their non-stop shenanigans seemingly aimed at encouraging Obama’s assassination.

Starting November 1st, if you’re a woman and you wish to act upon your right to obtain a legal abortion in the state of Oklahoma, you will have to sacrifice your privacy to do that and the medical provider you choose to perform the abortion will face criminal charges if they refuse or neglect to gather your private information and hand it over to the internet where it will be posted for all to see.

Have you ever gone out in search of something weird and found even weirder things along the way?  Well, I found some pretty weird shit when I went out looking for a snuggie! (I really needed this snuggie for Halloween this weekend.  It is going to be cold and I am going to be wearing very little clothing so I needed something “cool” I could wear between bars and spill beer on without having to make a trip to the dry cleaners)

I like the Kings of Leon.  Most people I know like the Kings of Leon.  However, everyone I know has come to the same conclusion without ever discussing it, “Sex on Fire” is not a good thing.  The song is great!  It is steady in my top ten dance around in my under-roos songs but when I just listen to it I feel all dirty, and not in a good way.  Any time anything involving sex burns you should go to a doctor.   So I will not be sleeping with any member of the Kings of Leon until this gets checked out and I hear a song about penicillin.

Oh, Phil Bill Donohue. You really do see yourself as a Geiger counter of morality. Well, that’ up to you – you can believe what you want. Especially when you castigate those who obviously don’t believe in what you believe. It’s up to you. You sound angry, though. Now you’re lashing out at everyone. I dunno if you’re turning borderline-Goebbels, but you’ve certainly done some McCarthy recently.

I glanced at the paper the man next me on the train was reading this morning and I saw a headline about a very tragic car accident that read “Dad sez sad….”

WTF!??