There are very few things that I hate more than admitting that I am wrong about something and I’m not quite sure that I’m doing that now. It has been over a year since I found all of you on the site that shall not be named and about ten months since I’ve been trading shots with some of you here on Wordsmoker.

It has always been difficult for me to reconcile the immense respect that I have for some of the more liberal author/commenters like Mediahohoho, LawyerGay and Baroness (to name just a few) with my more conservative beliefs. Prior to coming here it was easy for me to dismiss liberal pundits as wrong-thinking or just plain ignorant.

Yesterday, December 7th, 1941….a date that will live…in infamy. I beat Jim Thorpe in one on one basketball!

But that’s beside the point. Yesterday, as some of you may have heard, Japan bombed the headquarters of the Pacific Naval Fleet at Pearl Harbor Hawaii.

I share this nation’s shock.

GOP INTERVIEWER: Hello. Name?
OBAMA: Barack Obama.
GOP: It says on your resume here that your name is Barack HUSSEIN Obama.
OBAMA: I guess it is.
GOP: You were born in Hawaii?
OBAMA: Yes.
GOP: You don’t look Hawaiian.
OBAMA: What’s that supposed to mean?
GOP: Well, you don’t. What are your political leanings?
OBAMA: I’m not a Republican, but I don’t believe in partisan -
GOP: That’s an “X” against you, if I’ve ever heard one.
OBAMA: Okay.
GOP: Says here you’re President?
OBAMA: Yes.
GOP: Of America?
OBAMA: Yes.
GOP: South America? Like, Brazil or something?
OBAMA: No.
GOP: Central America?
OBAMA: The United States, sir. Of America.
GOP: No fuckin’ way.
OBAMA: Why do you say that?
GOP: Because, you know, you’re not, uh, how should I say this?
OBAMA: Because I’m not Hawaiian?
GOP: Yes. Good save.
OBAMA: Mmm-hmm.
GOP: Says here under “professional achievements” that you won a Nobel fuckin’ Peace Prize? Now why the Hell would you put THAT in?
OBAMA: Um, because it’s a major achievement, especially considering what the image of our country has been like among the international community for the past eight years.
GOP: You mean YOUR country, Brazil?
OBAMA: No.
GOP: Well, I don’t know what the Hell you’re talkin’ about, then.
OBAMA [gets up]: Thank you for being a complete jackass, Glenn.
GOP: That’s Mr. Beck to you.

FIN.

(Apologies if you’ve seen this before.)

What can one say about your President Ford Mustang Obama? The ladies want the sex with him. The men want the sex with him. Pets want to run with him in the wild, Vladimir Putin wants to love-judo him, H-Rod Clinton wants to kill him still and Sonia Sotomayor probably regrets taking his call. OK NOT REALLY, SONDRA. Because everyone living has at least the faintest of pulses, everyone wants a piece of Obama – especially John McCain, an old warmongering fool who once made a lewd gesture towards him during a televised discussion about the values of arable farming in Nebraska, Texas (I had the sound turned down on my TV during that discussion, but I’m an expert lip-reader) and which, of course, formed part of last year’s corn-gate scandal.

Right-wing freak-show and pretend information spurter Fox “News” went a-trolling the underbelly of the US today, as it requested its many, many insane commenters in the “Fox Forum” to send in “funny” questions for Middle-East Peace Envoy and cool, jazz trumpeter “Barack Obama”. Needless to say, moonshine went un-stilled, trailer parks fell silent and necks went un-reddened for an hour or several as the dark side of the red states came out to play. Then Wonkette noticed.

WASHINGTON (April 30, 2009) — President Barack Obama and Congress today continued their bold lockstep program to revive America’s staggering economy, even as Obama’s predecessor George W. Bush faced intensifying scrutiny over misdeeds allegedly carried out by his administration.

Buoyed by the success of his programs to strengthen the social safety net and head off a second Great Depression, Obama directed the SEC, Treasury Department and Justice Department in a coordinated effort to “get to the heart of the credit crisis and determine whether criminal misconduct helped bring about our current troubles.”

These initiatives and more promised to make Obama’s first 100 days among the most significant of any presidency. Seldom has a chief executive inspired such uniform cooperation from the notoriously fractious Congress. Representatives agreed early on that the economic, social and international crises afflicting the country were too important for partisan squabbling.

“It’s true I might have once had questions about whether President Obama was a secret Marxist, and whether he would remove references to God from our currency,” said Rep. Michelle Bachmann, R-Minn. “But then after I touched the hem of his suit, I was suddenly able to comprehend language and use tools, so I read The Communist Manifesto. Do you know he isn’t mentioned in there anywhere?”

On Thursday night, Barack Obama made history by becoming the first sitting U.S. president to appear on a late night talk show.

After host Jay Leno made the Commander-in-Chief sit in the green room while he made fun of cat muzzles, Obama came out to talk about – what else – the economy, Tim Geithner, and AIG, before launching into an anecdote about how his daughters love Starburst candies.

Then, Jay Leno asked the President if he was getting rid of the famed White House bowling alley.  Nope, Obama said, bragging that he bowled a “129″.  Leno politely applauded – quasi-mockingly saying “That’s very good, Mr. President” – to which Obama, under the audience’s laughter and applause, said “it was like the Special Olympics or something.” (Click for video)

Much like capital punishment, we don’t do “Prom Night” in Scotland. I sort of see both as cruel and unusual, so I’m glad of that. The closest we get to it is drinking strong cider (or did – I’m an Old now, I think) and finding someone whose parent(s) have left for the evening so you can pile into their home, crank up the gramophone player, dim the lights, roll the joints and fondle your quickly-significant other.

It’s a magical evening.

I watched this the way you watch a dog rob a liquor store – with a growing sense of horror and amazement. And from a safe distance. You never know when Rover’s gonna let fly with the lead, you know? All the way through it I’m saying to myself “HAIR HAIR HAIR crazy talk HAIR wild eyes HAIR OMG THE FUCKING crazy talk HAIR she sounds like she’s defending herself HAIR on Montel after drowning her HAIR grandparents in a moonshine HAIR still.”

I love Stevie Wonder. “Superstition” is one of my favouritist songs, ever. I first heard it while watching John Carpenter’s “The Thing“, also possibly one of my favouritist movies ever. Anyway, President Obailout gave Stevie a Gershwin Award for being great the other day, because he is.

Michelle Obailout is one fine looking First Lady. Where was I?

"Wait - did I write 'fear itself' or 'one big fucking monster'?"

When Franklin Delano Roosevelt first took the office of President in 1932, the country was just coming off the pool party that was Herbert Hoover’s presidency, during which the Great Depression took hold and popular resort areas known as Hoovervilles began springing up across the landscape.

On the eve of Barack Obama’s big speech, I figured it was best to spin you a seafarer’s yarn on why the poor man is going to go gray and bend at the back before this thing is done. Everyone’s curious how this thing is going to start and what he’s going to say. I suggest, perhaps, that our speechifier-in-chief open with “From hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee. Ye damned whale.”

Why would I suggest such a tone? What deadly sea-creature must Hopey slay? The answer, landlubbers, is the Kraken.

Yes. It’s Michelle Malkin posing with hilarious, fellow wing-nut “swastika guy” at a Colorado anti-stimulus rally with Sate Senator Josh Penry, Congressman Mike Coffman, Colorado GOP Chairman Dick Wadhams, State Senator Dave Schultheis, former Congressman Tom Tancredo, and Independence Institute president Jon Caldar.

President Obama’s speech at the Lincoln Banquet in Springfield Illinois was a truly impressive piece of rhetoric.  (And I am not using the term “rhetoric” pejoratively.)  It was a brilliant argument that took the words of Lincoln and used them to bolster Obama’s argument for his progressive political vision.