*

WOW. How bad do you have to be when even the KK-to-the-mother-fuckin’-K wants nothing to do with your organization (read: Group of hateful pricks who should all get leprosy of the genitals)? The group historically known for all sorts of awful, hateful, despicable things is denouncing WBC for their actions.  I can just imagine the leader** of the KKK looking at the Westboro Baptist Church desecrating some soldier’s funeral or protesting a pride parade and being like, “Whoa, why don’t you drink some more Hater-ade, haters?” Or something like that. I do think it’s funny that the disclaimer specifies WBC’s activities, and not their stance. I expect a letter was sent to them by said leader to tone it down a bit, that their hearts were in the right place but their actions were all wrong.

*No, I did not go on to the KKK’s website to find this out.

**Yes, I know, he has an official moniker of Grand Wizard. However, that just reminds me of the Wizard of Oz, which then makes me giggle. Come to think of it, Dorothy was a bit of an uppity bitch, like she thought she was better than the others or something. Another childhood classic ruined! Don’t even get me started on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Hello perverts! Or would-be perverts! Is the missionary position too dull for you? How about doggie? Passé? How about the “froggy” position, where you try to screw each other between lanes of busy traffic without being run over? Done, and not worth it anymore after receiving so many speeding tickets? Is even frottage in a field too feeble for you? Well, maybe you’ll start stealing stranger’s underwear for sexual kicks and thrills! If you do, there’s now a cast-iron excuse for your sexy-crazed shenanigans – your cat.

OH YOU AMERICANS. YOU COME OVER HERE WITH YOUR COWBOY HATS AND MULTIPLE TEETH FLASHING YOUR UNIFORMLY SIZED “DOLLAR BILLZ” ASKING WHY THERE ISN’T A MOVING WALKWAY LEADING UP TO “EDINBORO” CASTLE. Which is all fine and good – we need the tourist money, because one day the Japanese will work out that the Loch Ness Monster is just some lake-farts. What I do take exception to is DAMNED YANKEES trying to sterilize our junkies. No. Really.

Well, along with Arizona, chalk up another US state I won’t be visiting soon – Georgia.  The reasons for my Arizona-dodging are pretty obvious (I sometimes look a bit like an illegal immigrant, what with my hair and legs and stuff) – my reason for dodging Georgia? The proposed legislation waiting to be signed into law that permits gun owners to carry their penis-enlargers guns inside the airport terminals or the shooting galleries parking lots.

In a shock to absolutely no-one, an obviously gay singer admitted yesterday he was gay. For around ten years the entire world has been convinced that this obviously gay singer was gay, and now it has been confirmed by the gay singer, obviously. Many people will not remember where they were when they heard that the obviously gay singer said that he was gay, because as soon as they saw him, or his boyfriend, they’d assumed that he was gay.

Are you a pretend-cowboy, coke-snorting, frat-fuck alcoholic war criminal prick who’s never done a day of work in his life and who can’t eat a fucking pretzel without choking and falling over while reducing your country to a global pariah/laughing stock during your administration? Well, there’s one in Haiti at the moment, pretending to empathize alongside that other dude – the cigar-inserting, Barack-hating, blow-job loving one who looks like Jesus in comparison. Can’t remember his name for the life of me.

Think you’ve got problems with your health-plan? Spare a thought for the poor woman from Tampa, Florida who was sleeping with her doctor. These things happen, you say (maybe he was a talented golfer?). Doctor-patient sexual shenanigans are nothing new, you say. Well – this one was slightly different – the time the doctor spent screwing his patient was claimed for from her insurance carrier. By her doctor.

Oh congratulate yourselves, America – you just mutated, slightly. As a country, one of your own has raced ahead of all others into territory Child Protective Services now call “unknown”. For one of your number has displayed a mixture of intelligence and menace beyond rational explanation – I refer, of course – to the 4 year old boy who got drunk, broke out of his home and broke into his neighbors, opened their gifts, and ended up wearing a brown dress holding a 12oz bottle of Bud. America – you excel.

Yes – there’s a headline I don’t think I could’ve come up with without inhaling a rag soaked in kerosene for a couple of hours. My highly flammable eyebrows aside, it’s true – the BBC did ask “Should homosexuals face execution?” on a forum for World Service listeners in Africa. They wrote these words on a website with their actual fingers, and then changed it slightly when The Guardian noticed.

We keep hearing how the threat of filibuster from some senators is forcing Democrats to gut the healthcare bill of any meaningful reform. First the public option bit the dust. Then, Senator Joe Lieberman refused to back a  Medicare-expansion compromise he once supported. Democrats who support the original bill have a majority, but they are “powerless” (we are told) to stand up to moderates like Lieberman because he might … filibuster! Oh no! And we couldn’t have that, could we?

Well I say: Go ahead and let Joe Lieberman stage a filibuster — but it has to be real one. That means he has to keep talking and stay on the senate floor. If he leaves the floor for any reason — for example, to go to the bathroom — the filibuster is over.

We don’t really do hot tubs in Scotland. The closest we get is when some of my fellow countrymen and women come back from ransacking England of its root vegetables and then have to go into decontamination for while, which essentially means sitting in a large pot until the boiling water steams the English germs out of our skins. The main reason we don’t do hot tubs is down to the weather. And that ridiculous, Calvinistic strain of belief amongst Those In Power here that pleasure derived from anything “weird” like warm and bubbly water is A SIN.

I found this to be hilarious for some reason – especially the pictures of the pimped-out recliner and the man driving it. The only thing this chair is missing is a toilet.

“Deputy Police Chief Troy Foucault said the chair is “quite decked out.” Along with the stereo and cup holders, it is powered by a converted lawnmower with a Briggs & Stratton engine, a steering wheel, headlights and a power antenna. Foucault estimated that the La-Z-Boy can top out at 15 to 20 miles per hour. A National Hot Rod Association sticker adorns the headrest.”

Have you ever gone out in search of something weird and found even weirder things along the way?  Well, I found some pretty weird shit when I went out looking for a snuggie! (I really needed this snuggie for Halloween this weekend.  It is going to be cold and I am going to be wearing very little clothing so I needed something “cool” I could wear between bars and spill beer on without having to make a trip to the dry cleaners)

The G-20 economic summit is taking place in Pittsburgh.

Sarcastro lives there.

He hears things.

Movies influence us in many ways. There are very few men out there who haven’t approached a potential sex-partner completely nude while holding their erect penis and  shouting “Say hello to my leetle friend!” in an accent probably closer to Pakistani than Cuban (much like Al Pacino himself). Recently, I wedged the end of my whip under the rear axle of a bus and I let it drag me into town so I could see some Nazis melt as they meddled with powers beyond their understanding. I also shot a big shark from a smaller boat on Sunday. Etc.