Think you’ve got problems with your health-plan? Spare a thought for the poor woman from Tampa, Florida who was sleeping with her doctor. These things happen, you say (maybe he was a talented golfer?). Doctor-patient sexual shenanigans are nothing new, you say. Well – this one was slightly different – the time the doctor spent screwing his patient was claimed for from her insurance carrier. By her doctor.

Oh congratulate yourselves, America – you just mutated, slightly. As a country, one of your own has raced ahead of all others into territory Child Protective Services now call “unknown”. For one of your number has displayed a mixture of intelligence and menace beyond rational explanation – I refer, of course – to the 4 year old boy who got drunk, broke out of his home and broke into his neighbors, opened their gifts, and ended up wearing a brown dress holding a 12oz bottle of Bud. America – you excel.

Yes – there’s a headline I don’t think I could’ve come up with without inhaling a rag soaked in kerosene for a couple of hours. My highly flammable eyebrows aside, it’s true – the BBC did ask “Should homosexuals face execution?” on a forum for World Service listeners in Africa. They wrote these words on a website with their actual fingers, and then changed it slightly when The Guardian noticed.

We keep hearing how the threat of filibuster from some senators is forcing Democrats to gut the healthcare bill of any meaningful reform. First the public option bit the dust. Then, Senator Joe Lieberman refused to back a  Medicare-expansion compromise he once supported. Democrats who support the original bill have a majority, but they are “powerless” (we are told) to stand up to moderates like Lieberman because he might … filibuster! Oh no! And we couldn’t have that, could we?

Well I say: Go ahead and let Joe Lieberman stage a filibuster — but it has to be real one. That means he has to keep talking and stay on the senate floor. If he leaves the floor for any reason — for example, to go to the bathroom — the filibuster is over.

We don’t really do hot tubs in Scotland. The closest we get is when some of my fellow countrymen and women come back from ransacking England of its root vegetables and then have to go into decontamination for while, which essentially means sitting in a large pot until the boiling water steams the English germs out of our skins. The main reason we don’t do hot tubs is down to the weather. And that ridiculous, Calvinistic strain of belief amongst Those In Power here that pleasure derived from anything “weird” like warm and bubbly water is A SIN.

I found this to be hilarious for some reason – especially the pictures of the pimped-out recliner and the man driving it. The only thing this chair is missing is a toilet.

“Deputy Police Chief Troy Foucault said the chair is “quite decked out.” Along with the stereo and cup holders, it is powered by a converted lawnmower with a Briggs & Stratton engine, a steering wheel, headlights and a power antenna. Foucault estimated that the La-Z-Boy can top out at 15 to 20 miles per hour. A National Hot Rod Association sticker adorns the headrest.”

Have you ever gone out in search of something weird and found even weirder things along the way?  Well, I found some pretty weird shit when I went out looking for a snuggie! (I really needed this snuggie for Halloween this weekend.  It is going to be cold and I am going to be wearing very little clothing so I needed something “cool” I could wear between bars and spill beer on without having to make a trip to the dry cleaners)

The G-20 economic summit is taking place in Pittsburgh.

Sarcastro lives there.

He hears things.

Movies influence us in many ways. There are very few men out there who haven’t approached a potential sex-partner completely nude while holding their erect penis and  shouting “Say hello to my leetle friend!” in an accent probably closer to Pakistani than Cuban (much like Al Pacino himself). Recently, I wedged the end of my whip under the rear axle of a bus and I let it drag me into town so I could see some Nazis melt as they meddled with powers beyond their understanding. I also shot a big shark from a smaller boat on Sunday. Etc.

After the horror of Ped Egg shavings, I thought commercials had reached the apex of gruesomeness.

I was wrong.

So terribly wrong.

While harmlessly flipping through the hundreds of channels of reality TV programming last night, I stumbled upon what can only be describe as the single greatest reason for the cold war; Animal Planet’s “Wild Russia”.

What the fuck is going on in Russia, you ask? Well I spent an hour discovering the animals of Siberia and I am telling you shit is going down up there!

As roughly 71% of you already know, I’m a cat person. No, I don’t change into a cat like Nastassja Kinski in the awful re-make of the Tourneur classic – well, not usually. I have no real underlying need to become a kitty. I’ve already got three of them, and although I enjoy mimicking their sleep patterns and love them dearly, that’s where the fascination ends. No. I’d rather be a dog. Your dog. Especially if you bought me a Snuggie.

Yes. A Snuggie. For dogs. There’s not really much else to say about it.

Anyone?

Image of an anorexic “angel” advertising deodorant painted by Thomas Kinkade’s blind uncle Rob via PopCrunch

I’ve had to call for an ambulance I think about 5 times in my life. I’m one of those people who don’t panic in a situation like that – in fact I go completely placid for some reason, and don’t freak out in the least. Okay – I’m generally like that most times, indeed, the last time I truly freaked the fuck out was moving this damn blog to the GLORIOUS SERVER where it now resides as you read teh words and stuff.

From personal experience, the police in my area are normally proficient in the following; growing moustaches and dry sarcasm – but, like me, you may be slightly entertained to learn that 8 serving officers list their official religion as Jedi.

The BBC reports: