It does my black heart proud to bring you the latest edition of  Conspiracy Corner.  Here we shine the light of righteousness on those dark corners of the human psyche that are best left unexplored, but from which you are powerless to look away.  It’s not unlike the proverbial car wreck, except here more people die – but never for the reasons they want you to think.  Today we’ll discuss secret organizations, mind control programs, and some not-so-natural natural disasters.

On behalf of the Wordsmoker Board of Directors, I am pleased to announce the return of Conspiracy Corner.  After a hiatus of several months while I sought treatment and spiritual renewal, we can once again offer Wordsmokers our exclusive, behind the scenes and no holds barred look at how the world really works, from the deliciously demented to the sublimely silly.  This week’s items cover compassionate Christians, prevaricating pols, and repugnant royals.

DATELINE: WEST FORK, ARKANSAS

Controversy continues to swirl and swirl and swirl around Will Phillips, the brainy fifth-grader who has publicly refused to participate in the Pledge of Allegiance until “gays and lesbians are allowed to marry.”

Phillips, who is “good friends with a lot of people who are gay,” has pointedly remained seated while his less politically engaged Arkansas classmates stand to recite America’s national loyalty oath which, according to historians, was written by a Christian Socialist who worked for a company that sold American flags to public schools.

Awrite!  Hou’s it gaun?  Whit’s this, ye speir at us? The maist o ye ken that this is whaur ah gie ye a haund wit things ye dinna kin an’ aw that.  It’s like feeding jujubes tae an elephant mind, but dinna fash yersel an’ haud yer wheesht, it’s nae borra.  Ma heid’s birlin with all this information, frae blootert blethering tae haggis-fueled havering.  In past columns ah’ve telt aboot aliens and cover-ups and killings an’ aw ither thing. The day it’s gony be all aboot Alba.

The following is attributed to that bawbag and alleged Scotsman Dennis Miller, who kens hee haw aboot hee haw:

“The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody’s out to get you.   Nobody gives a shit whether you live or die.  There, you feel better now?”

Bishop of Motherwell Joseph Devine started a barnie during a 2008 lecture in Glasgow by saying that the bufties have launched a “huge and well-orchestrated conspiracy against Christian values,” and that they’ve aligned themselves with minority groups and holocaust survivors in a desperate bid for sympathy. Not taking any fucking shite from those poofs.  In response to a question about what to do when confronted with a child’s “mission to become homosexual,” the bishop said not on yir nellie, advising parents not to “tolerate that behaviour.”

In the introduction to Sleeping with Extra-Terrestrials, her rigorously rational critique of New Age spirituality, Wendy Kaminer confesses that she goes to a homeopath. She’s the first to admit that there is no scientific basis whatsoever to support homeopathy’s effectiveness; it simply makes her feel better. I have practiced various forms of qigong over the years. These are Chinese breathing and energy techniques predicated upon the existence of an invisible substance known as qi (or chi). But whether or not there exists a Governor Channel or a Microcosmic orbit, performing qigong makes me feel vital and centered.

What are the appropriate limits to rationality? To what degree is it healthy to pay heed to emotion over reason, to suspend disbelief? And, trickiest of all, how do we make decisions in the face of conflicting evidence concerning our health, the subject of several of today’s items?

It’s time for another installment of the world-renowned column that looks behind the shadows to uncover the truth that dare not speak its name. Today we’ll highlight events in Greece and Iraq that happened, events during the Middle Ages that never happened, and we’ll speculate irresponsibly about doomed Flight 447, all in our unending quest to provide you with the real truth, from the beguilingly bizarre to the laughably loopy. During a more innocent time, before the age of Enron and Madoff, when all there was to contend with was the Great Depression, H. L. Mencken wrote:

The central belief of every moron is that he is the victim of a mysterious conspiracy against his common rights and true deserts. He ascribes all his failure to get on in the world, all of his congenital incapacity and damfoolishness, to the machinations of the werewolves on Wall Street, or some other such den of infamy.

Welcome to the latest edition of the column that goes behind the scenes to unearth the real news, the facts they don’t want you to know, from the adamantly addled to the willfully windy. This week we’ll share some little known White House gossip, sensitively explore some theological subtleties, and solve that pesky same-sex marriage conundrum once and for all. Also, a little Beatles trivia to start off your week!

Welcome back to the column that tells it like it isn’t, and spotlights the stories they don’t want you to read about. Memorial Day is when we in the States traditionally fill our bodies with unhealthy food to honor those tragically lost in America’s wars. Today, we’ll fill your heads with information of dubious quality as we honor those who have died in wars of a different kind, martyrs to shadowy forces. But first, as an added holiday bonus, I’m answering reader mail!

Wordsmoker desperado “BigLeggedWoman” writes: “I want you to investigate the fact that V8 juice is actually 35% Soylent Green.” I requested a clarification from Charles Hotton, Senior Vice President of Marketing for Campbell Soup Company, the makers of V8. Mr. Hotton replied to me in an e-mail message:

You’d be surprised how often I’m asked about that! But I’m afraid it’s just another urban legend. As an industry leader, Campbell is committed to following state-of-the-art quality control processes to ensure that none of our fine fruit or vegetable drinks leaves the factory containing any less than 50% Soylent Green by volume. With today’s hectic lifestyles, demanding consumers deserve no less.

I hope that quenches your curiosity, BLW! For those whose curiosity is not slaked, I offer the following:

Welcome back, fellow seekers, to the column that dares to present the facts that they don’t want you to know, from the hysterically half-baked to the unabashedly unhinged. On tap this week we have some disoriented space travelers, advise on how to acquire drugs, and a failure to communicate between heads of state. Also, we’ll visit a lady who probably has too many cats, and who definitely needs a new watch. That item does contain the best excuse for just about anything that I’ve ever read, so you won’t want to miss it.

Welcome to our newest Wordsmoker series, Conspiracy Corner. What it is about conspiracy theories, alternative histories, and unexplained mysteries that is so compelling? Even when I’m fairly convinced that what I’m reading about extraterrestrials, ESP, or miracle cures is nonsense, it’s hard for me to tear myself away. After all, governments do lie, conspiracies do exist, and some rumors are true. The lingering doubts, combined with the frisson of forbidden knowledge, makes me susceptible to the temptations of the shadow world.

In a review of a novel about an amphetamine pusher, Jim Krusoe wrote:

If religion is the opiate of the masses, then surely paranoia must be the treasure-trove of the downtrodden, a way to discover in the coincidences of a mostly bleak life a golden map of connections where everything sparkles with meaning.

In this column we’ll present the facts that they don’t want you to know, from the wildly wacky to the palpably paranoid. Today we’ll go behind the scenes with the Supremes and also look at a horror author doing horrible things, a resilient rapper, a singer/icon being herself, and some love-starved Zionists being zany.