Because I’ve now shocked you to your core with TEH TRUTH ABOUT THE INTERNET, let me continue re-stating some facts I believe need to be restated in the form of possibly multiple statements.

1. Wordsmoker – Oh, where to begin? 95% of the “stuff” you read on here is written by people who are not professional writers. For many of them, this is their first attempt at writing and getting published where others (besides close friends and family) might actually read them. Think of it as a selection of Tumblr’s or blogs, but Tumblr’s or blogs that actually get read by people you may not know.

2. If you don’t like the fact that 95% of the “stuff” you read on here is not written by “professional writers”, then please – fuck off. Sorry, but this is patently the wrong place for your eyes.

3. Because 95% of the people writing here are not professional writers, I find in my role as Editor that it makes me feel protective towards them. A lot of the time I’ve actually cajoled them into writing something for Wordsmoker because I believe that writing is fun. Weird, I know!

4. Several writers on here are not proofed or formatted by me. They just write and post and it’s published. In an ideal world, everyone writing here would be familiar with WordPress, and I wouldn’t have to spend 80% of my time doing this for others, but I consider it a worthwhile endeavor to get whatever it is they spent their time working on “out there”. Doing this for other people is a joy in itself, which is lucky, because I would’ve stopped doing it in January 2009 if it wasn’t.

5. If there’s something you think that isn’t being covered by Wordsmoker, then write it yourself. Otherwise you have no grounds for complaining. Anyone can write here. Anyone. About anything. Anything!

6. This – and I can’t restate this forcefully enough – isn’t Gawker. Not everyone here is a Gawkerite. Not everyone here came from Gawker. Most did, at the very beginning, but it’s not the case anymore. So – don’t expect Gawker coverage. No-one here is getting paid. People write here because they enjoy writing, and they do it when they can.

7. If you don’t like what you read, then shut the fuck up and read something else. This may sound harsh, but I refer you to my previous point – well, all of my previous points, really. On the flip-side – if you do like what you read, then please let the writer know. Or just comment. Or build on what they wrote. Put yourself in the writer’s position for a second, and think of the joy you’ll spread just by you typing something encouraging to them. Empathy!

8. From point 7 – if I believe that someone – no matter who they are – is being unduly harsh on anything written on here, then I reserve the right to shit on them from a dizzying height. If they’re being unduly harsh in public, then expect my response to be very public too.

9. This isn’t a writer’s workshop. There’s plenty of them out there on the internet. Join one of them and ask for criticism, good or bad. If you’re writing here, then publish and be damned. Fuck anybody’s poor opinion of what you wrote. It’s only their opinion, after all.

10. In reference to perhaps all my previous points – Wordsmoker is what you make it. No-one will adore every post, not everything you read will be of particular interest to you, some of it you may find “off-putting” or “Scottish”. I can’t help that, nor can anyone involved here, ever. If you want a site where everything meets your personal standards of approval, why don’t you make your own Tumblr thingy, and do that horrible re-blogging shit that passes for content these days.

11. If you don’t like these perfectly reasonable statements, or consider the vast majority of the Wordsmoker commenter collective to be too “politically correct” or “too nice” or “too kind” or “too understanding”, then please, don’t let the door of your browser hit you on the ass on the way out. Wordsmoker is what it is.

NOW LET THE META-META-WORDSMOKER-CIRCLE-JERK BEGIN

Some recent events yesterday, and some days before, need addressed, because I’m actually afraid that some of the lurkers here (hello!) who may have been thinking about writing something for Wordsmoker are now having second thoughts. And who could blame you! Or some of you with content waiting to get published could be shitting bricks, imagining the response their work might provoke from certain commenters. Because this has happened in public, I’m dealing with it in public, so here we go. Woo!

On Asking For Criticism, Good Or Bad: The idea has been floated previously about having some sort of writer’s workshop thing on here. I’m against it because there’s better places to do that in, and I personally prefer finished articles than those that are a work in progress. SamuraiPandaPoetry – an adorable man with impressive facial hair – is one of the writers on here with Author privileges, so whatever he writes gets published without my approval. He’s got these privileges because he knows how to use WordPress, and I trust him. If I knew he was writing a workshop piece, I’d have probably asked him not to, but there you go and the rest is history. Some of the criticism he received on that thread was absolutely fucking ridiculous, but he did ask for it, and certain opinionated little knives were sharpened and drawn. I let it – and the criticism – fly. But no-one will be asking for criticism again. I’ll pull any post doing it if they sneak under my radar.

On My Response To Lawyergay’s Post: If someone just landed on Wordsmoker and read that piece, I doubt they’d ever wish to write anything here ever. Or anywhere for that matter. Yes – Lawyergay is one of those folks with Author privileges, and his post also appeared after I’d publicly asked for nothing else to be posted on Tuesday, so we could all concentrate on writing the funny, dirty stuff on the most popular post Wordsmoker’s had since the day it came mewling into existence. Just to see how far we could take it. So I was already pissed when it popped up because it meant a) Lawyergay hadn’t read my previous post or b) Lawyergay had read my previous post and had chosen to ignore it. I really hope it’s “a”, which I’m sure it is. That aside – for someone who deems themselves an “extraordinarily talented reader”, it certainly appears that this incredible intellectual capability evaporated while he read his own piece back to himself prior to him publishing it. If he meant to be satirical – which he did mention in the comments after the fact – it failed, and failed dismally. It read like a man with fourteen chips on each shoulder banging his keyboard in frustration at everyone who isn’t him, or a commonly-agreed “great” writer. And with it coming so soon after his critical frenzy on SamuraiPandaPoetry’s post – it just seemed like someone twisting an originally-opinionated little knife. Hence me shitting on him from a dizzying height with my pastiche.

On Satire: Look – if you’re going to do “satire”, at least make it “funny” or add a category called “SATIRE” so we all get that you’re being satirical. Otherwise you look like a bitter, angry typist with a borderline-sociopathic grudge against anything that isn’t you. And if you have to add a “SATIRE” category, then maybe you shouldn’t be trying to write anything satirical.

On Commenting: If you’re Tigolbitties, learn to use the fucking shift key. No, really. I’ll ban you the next time I see one of your poorly-formatted blocks of wordshit in the comments. I and everyone else here goes to some length to use all the special buttons on their computer letterboards so that whatever we type is received in the best way possible. I scroll past whatever you type because it looks like crap – you could be combining quantum theory and general relativity in 40 words or less, and no-one would notice. Make this Special Effort, or don’t bother.

On Everything Else After This: I may have shat from a dizzying height on Lawyergay, but I know him offline and I also know him to be extremely kind and helpful, although sometimes hyper-critical at times. I’ve called him out on this before today, and I’ll call him out on it again should it happen in the future. I still trust him, he can still post without my approval because I value the time and effort he puts into his writing. But – and I cannot emphasize this enough – I beg you, possible future writer/commenter, do not let any of this put you off contributing to Wordsmoker. I may run the place in the background, but everyone has the right to have whatever they write published here without fear of reprisal, and I will defend you in public if that’s what it takes. Sometimes even in the form of pastiche.

On The Fact That You Might Not Agree With Any Of This: I can only apologize to you for my failings as you fuck off for good. If that’s the case – bye!

Hey, have you been feeling guilty lately because you haven’t done anything to help bring peace to the world? Well now’s your chance to do something about it! Go to the Huffington Post feature on “Funny Venn Diagrams” and rate the one pictured at left as a “10.” To do so, click here.

Right now, this diagram is ranked No. 7 on the site, with an average rating of 6.6. If  that rating rises just a little bit, HuffPo will feature it as one of their “Top 5″ venn diagrams — and when that happens, world peace will finally be at hand!

Ok, maybe I lied about the “world peace” part. But it would make love happen, at least – my love, to you. And not just any love, mind you … but the pompitous of love.

The mystery surrounding two Northwest Airlines pilots who overflew Minneapolis by 150 miles took a startling turn tonight with the revelation that they were using their laptops to access Wordsmoker when they should have been preparing to land the aircraft.  This rumor, which had been circulating for days on Gawker, a once-popular media blog, can now be confirmed based on information gleaned from multiple sources, including leaked cockpit recordings.

Senior officials with the National Transportation Safety Board were skeptical of the pilots’ claim that they were using their laptops to “bid” on future flights, leading one FAA investigator to insist that the two men be subjected to further interrogation.  “You can hear it clearly on the voice recorder,” said the agent, who spoke exclusively to Wordsmoker on condition of anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the investigation.  “One of them goes, ‘[Expletive] BookishLookish wins all the [expletive] awards.  She must be  [expletive] schtupping someone important over there.  I really thought I had an [expletive] shot this week.’  Then there’s something about the mating habits of penguins, but that part’s all garbled so we couldn’t pursue it.”

While under “enhanced” interrogation, one of the pilots admitted that he “never misses Monday Morning Maya,” even refreshing his computer screen during takeoff and landing.  The other pilot stated that on several occasions he has put planes on autopilot so that he could enjoy following debates in the comments section.  Said this pilot, “There’s these couple of guys, boy howdy, I’d swear they had Ph.Ds in economics the way they carry on!”

The FAA investigator provided Wordsmoker with a highly-confidential preliminary report on the incident that will be presented Tuesday morning to Wotan Lind, head of the FAA’s Denver regional office.  The draft shows investigators from both the FAA and the FBI engaged in a frantic effort to obtain sensitive Wordsmoker records that could identify these and other pilots as contributors to the site.  Alf Y. Wailly, a senior airline industry analyst who was briefed on the investigation, confirmed to this reporter that a much wider probe will soon be underway.  “We suspect that a lot of pilots are reading Wordsmoker and trying to find dates using the private messaging system when they should be performing critical tasks such as lying to passengers about weather conditions and delays.”

Agents’ field reports outline the frustrations of executing search warrants on shadowy foreign nationals whose very existence is in doubt.  There is widespread belief, for instance, that Virus W. Shoes, the Editor in Chief of Wordsmoker, is not an actual person, but is instead a collective.  While some maintain that Mr. Shoes carefully controls every detail of this web site’s operation, including who wins the coveted weekly “Smokie” awards, no one has ever seen him in person, and no one can state with certainty that they’ve spoken to him.

But a former intern to Mr. Shoes, Marybeth “Mama” Penguino of Bismarck, North Dakota, is quoted in the secret report as stating, “I can assure you that The Master exists, and that he has very exacting ideas on how the office should be run.  He goes through interns like Irn-bru.  I can show you marks.”  The report further states that Ms. Penguino repeatedly offered to show these marks to investigators, who politely, and repeatedly, declined.

When reached by phone for comment on this article, a person identifying himself as Mr. Shoes subjected this reporter to a long and scatological discourse on the importance of a free and unencumbered press as guaranteed by the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.  When informed that the Second Amendment covers gun ownership, he handed the phone to a woman who identified herself only as “Ms. Shortcake.”  Claiming to be the current Wordsmoker intern, Ms. Shortcake gasped and ended the interview abruptly at the same time that a loud swishing sound could be heard in the background.

More details will be provided as they become available.

Of course it’s always possible that this True Blood “secret” is a genuine one sent in by some real person, and not some bullshit one created by a marketing pro working at, or for, HBO or Time Warner … Ha ha, just kidding! That’s clearly not possible. I was just checking to see if you were paying attention.

What is possible is that Frank Warren is just really just naïve, and that he posted this ad believing it to be a genuine secret and didn’t get paid anything for it. If that’s true, it’s really sad, because that True Blood postcard placement (right at the top of the PostSecret home page) is probably worth millions of dollars to HBO.

Anyway, regardless of whether Frank is a sellout or merely a schnook, I think we can all agree that the card itself is a corporate-marketing concoction. So I’d like to propose a little contest. (Yes, I’m finally getting around to the suggestion stated in the title … about time, huh?) Wordsmoker Nation: I challenge you to make up your own “PostSecret product-placement fake secrets” and post them in the comments section below. You only need to post the text of the secret – you don’t have to create “postcard art” or anything. (But for those of you who have the artistic ability, time and inclination to do so – please feel free!)

Here are a few suggested entries of my own to get the ball rolling:

• Who needs porn when I have pictures of my sexy Mazda RX-8 to masturbate to?
• My Secret deodorant is strong enough for a man. I know, because I used to be one! (Don’t’ tell my husband!)
• You don’t have to be Jewish to love Levy’s – but if you did, I’d let a Rabbi circumcise me right here on the spot, just so I could eat some! (That’s right – I love Levy’s more than I love my own foreskin!)

Anyway, you get the idea. So start posting your own PostSecret product-placement secrets now, and may the best corporate-shill-wannabe win!

In the aftermath of Sarah Palin’s surprise resignation, William Jacobson, a conservative professor from Cornell Law School, penned an essay decrying the vilification of Trig Palin, which he claimed demonstrated the moral bankruptcy of the left. “I do know why the left hates her so much. And it keeps coming back to Trig.” It probably has a lot more to do with Palin’s calculated and disingenuous use of her family as PR props when it suits her purposes, but I think we can agree that photoshopping pictures of Trig was uncalled for.  He goes on to cite numerous unkind comments in the blogosphere, concluding with VirusWithShoes’s “did Trig Palin write this speech for her?” Our intrepid editor and publisher is referred to as “the intellect in charge” around these parts, to which few of his acolytes would object.  Jacobson’s article was reprinted here and here, and may even have lead to this love letter to Virus.

Jesus’ General published an essay from “Sarah Palin” in which she calls Virus a “Howard Stern asshat wannabe” while giving the real reason for her resignation:

Alaska and I are parting ways for one reason and one reason only: if you love something wild, you must set it free. And then you shoot it and mount it on your wall… I shot it and now I’m going to mount it on my wall of the accomplishments that prove I’m ready for the presidency.

This was also reprinted here.

On a less belligerent note, Virus’s throwaway reference to the “little ice age” in his otherwise grossly unremarkable Private Messaging upgrade post was picked up by a “Climate Change” website that mostly links to scary-hard articles on sunspot activity and global warming “debunking.”  Way to go, fooling all those search engines, asshat wannabe!  I mean, boss!  [I hope you enjoyed your author status while you had it.  - Ed.]

But enough about that guy.  Way back in February, KoraInHell reevaluated childhood menaces such as (shudder) books, along with her parents’ woeful parenting skills, in light of the Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act of 2008 (CPSIA). Her essay was cited on Overlawyered, but with a “rude language” warning.  Kora’s post was also cited here, with yet another language warning. The George Carlin quote at the bottom was probably the reason for all this e-washing of her e-mouth with e-soap.

Sproing’s essay on the tribulations of a working reporter facing his public was cited by The Grey-Beard Loon, who called it “pretty funny.”  “Uproariously acerbic” would have been more accurate; it would easily make my Top 10 list of Wordsmoker posts for the year.

In March, a recovery site quoted the first installment of samuraipandapoetry’s heartfelt and moving series on AA and atheism.

Back during Wordsmoker’s Cro-Magnon period, urlesque called Adam Streeter’s much missed Monday Morning Maya feature delightful and brilliant.  Amen to that.

samurainoutono cited lawyergay’s take on the murder of Dr. George Tiller.  But it was in a foreign language and someone will have to help me out because I am but an ignorant American.  It might be in Italian, and I think it’s favorable, because the hyperlink says “esse delicioso post.”  Seriously, I haven’t a clue.  You’d be impressed if you saw my bookshelf lined with books, tapes, and comics in Latin, Greek (ancient and modern), Mandarin, Hindi, and Urdu.  You’d be far less impressed it you tried to engage me in conversation in any of the above.

The Gray Falcon (not to be confused with the Grey-Beard Loon) argued that former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s Serbian heritage was irrelevant to the discussion of his corruption scandal, if for no other reason than he had disowned it. A commenter there cited Rosa Luxembourgeoise’s article from late last year as a good attempt to make the same argument.

Remember when that other site shilled 24/7 for its noxious, albeit pretty, creation, Julia Allison?  Trixie from Toronto’s Julia’s On My Couch: Calling Dr. Bombay from January was linked by one commenter at Reblogging Nonsociety, and called “comedic gold” by another.   You can also find that here.

Also in January, Aaron Altman’s Flight 1549 As… Metaphor for the United States? was cited by Frank H. Jump on his Fading Ad blog, which is devoted to media, cultural movements, and urban archaeology.   There are lots of great pictures over there.  Check it out.

In response to my latest Conspiracy Corner offering, That’s Right Nate vowed to tackle left-wing bastions such as Wordsmoker. The site seems mostly tongue-in-cheek, but this didn’t stop Wordsmoker Extraordinaire BigLeggedWoman from marching straight over there to stir up some drama. This instigated three dozen comments, which is two to three dozen more then Nate usually gets. One of his commenters even put in an appearance on Wordsmoker during the skirmish. Welcome, Dollface!  Do come again.

I mentioned James Harbeck and his wonderful language blog, Sesquiotica, in a Word of the Day column.  This polymathic (and probably evil) genius manages to publish an insightful and gemlike definition almost daily, and he added Wordsmoker to his Blogroll after I left a couple of comments over there.  Do yourself a favor and have a look.

Speaking of Blogrolls, here are a few other blogs that think Wordsmoker has the right stuff.  I’ve excluded shout-outs from the blogs of identifiable Wordsmokers.  (There’s incest with your cousin, and then there’s incest with your sister.)

• Art Matters
• The Hour Badly Spent
• Le Front Onaniste (does that mean what I think it does?)
• Political Party Girl
• Tomorrow Land

Now be good netizens and visit these fine folks, OK?  And if you know of any citations of Wordsmoker that I’ve overlooked, be sure to note them in the comments.  Or if you’ve heard anyone talk smack about us at a dingy nail salon, drunken pool party, or professional sporting event.  Voices that only you seem to hear don’t count.

Image of Alexander Graham Bell speaking on the phone, 1892, via the Gilbert H. Grosvenor Collection, Prints and Photographs Division, Library of Congress.

Image of Sandra Dee via fanpix.net.

Image of woman in pool via telephoneart.com

This week the symbolism is readily apparent – the mask. The mask, although presented to us as early as the first frame (echoes of Chekhov at speed?), drives our concentration towards the eyes (and sometimes the ears) of our two protagonists. Both men are bearded, but both beards are hidden, stolen away from our line of sight by “the mask”. This forcing of the mise en scene, presented to us without instant comment, speaks volumes about the danger we as the “viewer”, currently face. The “mask” therefore hides the danger we “face”, as the “face” is partially obscured by the “mask”.

The episode begins with an alert. Obviously placed on the soundtrack in post-production, it’s alertness predicates the conversation by some seconds. We are instantly aware of a sense of alert, but about what? Our question is answered in little more than a moment – Layne sports what appears to be a headscarf stolen from a Russian child at the height of some un-named conflict (a neo-Eisenstein comment on Grozny perhaps?) while Sicha wears the more common surgical mask coupled with what appears to the type of safety glasses worn by bored children in a science class. Are we to infer that Sicha has the more important input of scientific rationale?

The conversation begins with the usual absurdist to-and-fro between our protagonists, but after a minute, we see Sicha rolling on the floor, naked from the waist down apart from what appear to be shorts more suited to a man half his age. We get a glimpse at his inherent manliness as he spins towards the camera, and possibly a shot at his barely-covered testicles. Is Sicha presenting us with a somewhat unconscious attempt at provoking a sense of machismo – perhaps redolent of early Ford?

As the conversation continues, Layne presents some household goods he is apparently protecting himself with – an obvious attempt at bringing the swine flu crisis closer to all our homes, our apparent “safe places“. Sicha, on the other hand, plays the concerned clown, by attempting to smoke through his surgical mask – an anachronistic feel-good moment for us all – he visualises his comment on the end-times and the inherent maladies within human society.

As the conversation tails out, we hear crashing noises behind Layne, and he vocalises his fears at being “found”. The preceding to-and-fro, reminiscent of Truffaut at his lightest, now becomes darker, as we realise the fear that Layne must be feeling. Sicha comments about continuing his yoga session – almost laughing at the predicament of his compatriot. With his mask askew, he’s positioning himself as devil-may-care, but the “yoga” comment could mean many things. Is Sicha really doing “yoga”, or is he trying to contain his fear by continuing to behave as “normal”? Does “yoga” explain why he was wearing shorts? And if so, why not wear sweat-pants like an adult? Is “yoga” a term for something else? Crying? Belligerence? In fact, we ask ourselves – is “yoga” real or even useful? Indeed – is “yoga” “normal”?

The episode concludes with deliberately poor “special” effects – Layne’s screen distorts, colour infuses, floods the frame, the crashing noises fill our ears – we’re reminded of early Spielberg crossed with an unknown adjunct of German Expressionism – “PinnacleVideoism” perhaps? The conversation, once stilted, abstract (though relentlessly moving forward) ends on a low-note, with Layne echoing Cormac McCarthy and Beckett with his final, personally apocalyptic line:

“I’ve got to get back on the road again – they’re onto me”

Sicha continues to smoke, the frame wobbles, and we fade to black.

Video here from Wonkette

Video here from The Awl