January 9, 2012 in The Smokie Awards
Soooooo . . . I may have missed posting a new Smokies for the last couple of weeks (or since October 9). Not to fear, for as you know, this site's airtight award system ensures that no comment goes unnoticed. Wordsmoker is proud to present the first edition of the 2012 Smokie Awards, which happen to cover nearly a quarter of 2011. Because it's been so long, the theme "It's Been So Long" is the obvious choice. But that's kind of a gyp, right? Well, so is recycling an old video, yet here we are.
Read the rest of this entry →
October 9, 2011 in The Smokie Awards
Like you, I’ve always been under the impression that pokes were universally good. After all, we have pokes on Facebook and an award called the Pokie (which I know is referring to fucking, but it derives its name from the playful act of extending one’s finger and sliding it into the side of a neighbor, a friend, or a loved one). So I’ve blissfully gliding through life enjoying all manners of poking and being poked . . . Read the rest of this entry →
September 12, 2011 in The Smokie Awards
I feel bad for fighter pilots and I want you to join me. I mean, I don’t feel bad for them the same way that I do for homeless people or people who just got fired from their jobs, but their star certainly has dimmed in the quarter of a century since Top Gun aired in theaters. That was the hay-day. They never even had to kill anything with their missiles; they just flew around and reaped the benefits of popular actor Tom Cruise’s stellar performance. Then there was an outbreak of peace with Ivan, and the fighter pilots just didn’t seem all that important anymore. Read the rest of this entry →
August 23, 2011 in The Smokie Awards
After a several year hiatus, I am going back to my humble community-turned-kinda-regular-college (nursing and teaching degrees are the only four year degrees offered) to finish my degree. With eighteen credits left, there was no excuse for me to not just go and get it done, so I enrolled and classes began Thursday. School doesn’t seem as fun as when I was in grade school — no recess, no story time, no nap time. God, what I wouldn’t give to have nap time now. Even though school is more stressful now than when I was there for eight hours a day five days a week, there is still one fact that remains unchanged: I effin’ love office supplies. Love, LOVE looooooove them. I see shelves of binders in the store and my hands get all tingly. I shove my face into reams of college-lined paper and huff away. And pens? Forget it, I could go all day. I just can’t help myself. Some of you have narcotics and alcohol; I have Trapper-Keepers® and HILIGHTERS. Here, have some Smokies, I’m going to rearrange my backpack — again. Read the rest of this entry →
July 31, 2011 in The Smokie Awards
Because the ocean isn’t already scary enough, the Discovery Channel is getting ready to air its annual Shark Week™—which also means that shark lobbyists are going around on all of the talking-head shows telling everyone what misunderstood and beautiful creatures sharks actually are. No, a shark would never intentionally attack a human being. People are just always dressing up like shark food, opening their veins, and then lunging into sharks’ mouths. The sharks can’t swim backward so they panic and chew their way through the person’s body, BUT IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT! Right, because sharks just have to hang out near beaches even though they can’t go on land? Bullocks! Read the rest of this entry →
July 10, 2011 in The Smokie Awards
You know what sucks? Having to pay to get your car tuned up – it’s just so annoying and unnecessarily expensive. I mean, really, $400+ for tires? For round rubber? Shit, I’ll turn in used condoms for a rubber credit, just give me a break. As much as I hate it, I have no choice since I live in an area where mass transit is as about as appealing as being butt raped by Rosie O’Donnell with her extra special Barbed Wonder 2.0 strap-on, followed by an iodine enema. To make the process easier on at least my wallet, I took my car to a local dealership with a coupon for my oil change, and they assured me they worked on all makes/models of vehicles, so my Volkswagen Jetta would be no problem. (Shut up. They make a nice a car.) After two hours, I got my car back, and took it to the tire place for those overpriced recycled prophylactics, where I was promptly informed my oil levels were at minimum. My oil. That I just had changed. Hm. Back to the dealership, where the kid insisted he put oil in my car, yet when he checked, it was indeed at minimum levels.
Read the rest of this entry →
June 26, 2011 in The Smokie Awards
As many of you know, the State of New York’s legislative body was very busy last week. “Assembly Bill A4146A, which seeks to establish ‘protocols for combative sports and authorizing mixed martial arts events’ in New York, did not get placed on the Ways and Means Committee agenda. As a result, A4146A can’t be voted on by committee members, thus denying it any chance of going to the floor of the full Assembly.” Read the rest of this entry →
June 13, 2011 in The Smokie Awards
Hey, did you hear? The South Florida division (Chapter? Group home?) of the Tea Party owes the city of Boca Raton thousands
of dollars for a Tax Day rally, featuring billionaire Donald Trump, that it hosted back in April. Apparently, they promised to pay to have barricades in place to manage people and traffic for the event, but failed to actually do so. Things got so crazy that the police had to be called in to manage things and had to bring in the barricades themselves. Cost of barricades + cost of police services for the event = over $6,000. They’re “working on paying it back”. Yes, that’s right, the “fiscal conservatives” forced local government to SPEND money (which is like killing babies to them, apparently) and expects leniency on paying the bill back. Hypocrite much? I’d rather have my legislators show women their junk and make really bad cat/pussy jokes. Anyhoo, here are your awesome awards to distract you from the shit going on in government.
May 28, 2011 in The Smokie Awards
When I first read Nora Darling’s OMGigi, I thought, “Hey, what a clever name for a great article.” I almost immediately asked her for permission to draft an homage that I was going to entitle ZOMAndy. About halfway through writing my tribute piece, there was a glut of other similarly named articles—not just scribed by newbs coming into feed off of Nora’s fame, but written by battle-hardened veteran writers. I realized now that if I didn’t change its name, ZOMAndy would be lost in the alphabet soup. Naturally, I had to act fast. I switched the name and the article was saved. Okey, that looks like enough text to go beside the Smokies logo. I’ll quit writing now so that you can see your awards. Read the rest of this entry →