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More Cunnilingus Small-Talk Discovered

August 14, 2012 in Science

I love talking dirty to a lady-friend. I love telling them how beautiful their lady-bits are, how good they taste, how good they smell. I love talking about them, how they should be proud of them, how complex they are, how they can literally create life on this planet, and how that’s something I’ll never, ever be able to experience, because I don’t have the choice due to my man-gineering. I’m probably a bit like The Devil in The Witches of Eastwick, but with more hair.

I heart vaginas. I’m not ashamed of it.

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Earth-Like Planet Likely To Be Full Of C*nts

December 6, 2011 in Science

Scientists at NASA have hurriedly issued a statement balancing out the news that a new, Earth-like planet named "Kepler 22-b" has been discovered 600 light years away by saying that – like Earth – it's probably full of cunts. Astronomers who form the core of the Kepler team expanded on yesterday's news by saying that during the search for methane, they also might have detected "cunt particles" which point to an advanced civilization sadly like our own.

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Zombie Fungus Ambition Not Limited to Foot Odor

March 7, 2011 in Environmental Issues, Panic!, Science

The environment—you know that thing that all of you hippies are constantly trying to protect with your recycling and your global warming concert series—is trying to fuck us over again. Only this time, instead of spewing a bunch of oil all over the Gulf or attacking us with mad cows, Nature has developed a new weapon to use against its human benefactors: ZOMBIE ANTS—or more accurately, a group of funguses that turn ants into zombies. Read the rest of this entry →

NASA’s Arsenic Microbe Overhyped – Humans Still Rule the Earth

December 7, 2010 in Science

NASA, by far the most disappointing federal agency in a government that’s notorious for uninspiring agencies, has done it again—only this time they sucked without even trying to leave the planet. Apparently the NASA “scientists” have discovered a new microbe that uses arsenic instead of phosphorous to construct its DNA! Take a second to regain your composure before reading on.

“It had long been the assumption that without six certain essential elements—carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus and sulfur—life could not exist.” – Melissa Bell, Washington Post

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Live-Blogging My Saturday Night Freezer Defrosting

December 19, 2009 in Science

If you’re feeling depressed, unloved, alone, then the best time to defrost your freezer is on the Saturday night before Christmas. If you weren’t feeling seasonally super-shitty before, suddenly realizing that you’re spending the Saturday night before Christmas at home defrosting your freezer will send you over the festive edge. There is only one way to counter-act this neo-Dickensian scenario, and that is to live-blog it.

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This May Turn Out To Be Rather Important

August 19, 2009 in Science

Like a drunk at a barbecue – we are not special, and we are not alone. Ponder that sentence for an hour or so, then continue reading here. NASA’s Stardust Spacecraft  (named by the same lyricists behind “Hair”) has discovered “glycine”, a fundamental building block of life and a good word to pull out the back of your mind when playing Scrabble. I keep thinking that this should be the lead story everywhere, but somehow it isn’t.

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Peeing In The Shower Is Officially Okay

August 18, 2009 in Science

Do you dream of electric sheep? Then maybe you’re an android and you don’t pee. Well – when you’re not smashing Harrison Ford’s face off some rain-soaked tiles while a big fan cast shadows, you damn replicant – you should know that real humans pee in the shower and those who say they don’t are liars. You see – like mocking a sea-lion, peeing in the shower is an entirely natural thing to do – and it’s finally got the golden seal of approval from St. Louis University. Read on, McDrip;

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Happy Pi Approximation Day!

July 22, 2009 in Party Time, Science

Delft University Pi(e)

Pi, as everyone but samuraipandapoetry will recall, is the ratio between a circle’s circumference and its diameter.  If the diameter of a circle is 1, than its circumference is π.  Its value is traditionally represented as 3.14159…  Some people celebrate the 22nd of July for its approximation of π (22/7).  Others celebrate March 14 (3.14), although the deluded followers of the March date refer to it simply as Pi Day.  But all values for π are approximations, because π is irrational.  The ancients did not know this - and it wasn’t finally proven until the 18th century - but π cannot be expressed as any exact fraction. (This despite the Indiana House of Representatives passing a law stating that π = 3.2.) Pi extends forever and ever, and where π goes, its devotees follow.

In physics, π appears in the cosmological constant, Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, and Einstein’s field equation for general relativity.  Pi comes at us in unexpected ways, too, often having nothing to do with circles.  It arises in the distribution of prime numbers, and in the probability that a pin dropped on a set of parallel lines will intersect one of them.  The ratio of the actual length of a river and its “as the crow flies” length is, on average, π.

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Happy Day of Lies, You Suckers

July 20, 2009 in Science

Having been a dork for this stuff as a kid, I’m amazed to have only just learned that when Voyager 1 was launched in 1977, Carl Sagan and Michael Ford were drunk and stoned, laughing their asses off that Voyager 1 was going a couple months after Voyager 2. Something about orbits and whatnot was why, but so fucking what?

This was passing for drunken druggie humor with these kinds of guys in those days. Hardy har har! Yuk it up, Einsteins!

And, now, see, these are the probes that are carrying not only incredibly important scientific instruments, but also those recordings and symbolic messages from Earth, just in case intelligent life elsewhere comes across them somewhere out there.

And, so:  Sagan and Ford are all wasted, and the night before Voyager 1 goes up, they finagle their way to the launch bay and put a bunch of pornographic Read the rest of this entry →