Your Wordsmoker Hurricane Irene Checklist
August 26, 2011 in Disasters
As you all know, the entire Eastern Seaboard of the United States is about to be wiped out by a slow-moving mass of weather called Hurricane Irene. None of us know what will happen should it make landfall in your area, but that’s no reason not to be prepared for the worst while experiencing the mediocre. From this ethos, Wordsmoker has prepared a Hurricane Irene Checklist for those possibly affected, full of great tips and advice for those about to be washed into the Atlantic or blown the fuck into Canada by scenes of terror and fear not experienced since the second season of Heroes. Ensure your continued safety by memorizing everything below, and stay safe.
God bless you, America. You know, I don’t normally mind your rockets red glare and shooty fighters flying over enormous advertising hoardings disguised as buildings housing yet more advertising disguised as a sporting occasion, but last night’s Super Bowl half-time show has really got me worried for America. No, it’s not the North Korean levels of “patriotism” on display. Nor is it the fat tranny who somehow broke into the stadium and screech-warbled through an ad-libbed version of “The Star Spangled Banner”. It was the half-time show.
It is with great sorrow and much confusion that I have to announce the death of my beautiful black behemoth computer box “Galaxy”. Galaxy has served me – almost 24-7 – for over two years now. For some reason he gave up the ghost at 4.02am this morning, just as I was writing something about Fergie on Oprah.
Oh, what to do when your favorite website gets infected by trendy-glasses-wearing shitbirds, who then do what trendy-glasses-wearing shitbirds do, which is shit all over everything because someone without any common sense has somehow paid them to shit all over it? And when that website solicits your opinion on the changes the shitbirds have made? Well, you give them your opinion. Unfortunately 
Have you ever had to sit through some crappy ass school play your kid or sibling was in? Did you secretly wish something interesting would happen?
I felt it again.
Hey television-lookers – remember when that Adam Lambert fellow kissed a man on the television, and then sucked twenty cocks and rimmed a polar bear LIVE on the “American” Music Awards? I missed it, actually, because I don’t watch awards ceremonies FOR JUST THIS REASON. If I wanted to see some idiot suck twenty cocks and anally-pleasure a polar bear, I’d look out my own damned window where that shit happens daily, if not hourly.
That’s what I still owe on my now-totaled car. Thankfully, the accident was not my fault. Last Thursday, while turning left at a green light, some idiot in a Ford F-150 ran her red light and destroyed me and my car.
