“What I first noticed about you? This is going to sound a little corny, but it wasn’t your pendulous breasts. No, seriously, it was your eyes. Now you’re laughing. I’m not even sure what color they are, but they’re flawless, luminous orbs tightly mounted in two perfect orifices. It’s like someone took a couple of Brach’s caramel cubes— No, that’s not right. They’re darker. Like swatches of rich Corinthian leather, melted down to a liquid and poured into the centers of matching bone white finger bowls with a pair of black olives dropped into the middle.” Read the rest of this entry →
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Sometimes you fall in love and sometimes you just fall in lust. If you’re really lucky you get to do both at the same time, with the same person, at least once or twice in your life. I was not lucky. I always fell hard for the sweet girl in my building, but still wanted to fuck the ones that passed me on the street. But lately I had been meeting too much of the wrong kind of woman and I didn’t see any way of turning that around.
She was different. Quieter. More elegant. I’m a little embarrassed to say that my tastes run to the extremes. Substantially larger than average breasts forming at least a forty-five degree downward slope from the neck before stampeding back to the ribcage. A waist that cuts deep into the body and then explodes out to round, luscious hips. Symmetrical legs that cut through the nothing like a long pair of surgical scissors. I know it’s not healthy—for her or for me—and, until she walked into the little jazz club where I play the bassoon in my cousin Paco’s band, I didn’t think it really existed. Read the rest of this entry →
Every great relationship starts with something akin to a first date. However, most of these first dates will be abysmal failures for any number of reasons, starting from choosing a restaurant that serves tacos with rancid meat to thinking that you can “handle” seven martinis and a few beers, but then vomiting all over a stranger’s hedge (true story). We may not be able to save you from unfortunate drinking and restaurant decisions, but we can list a few conversational faux pas that dating newbs commonly commit. Pursuant to the strict dating advice column conduct code, we’ve divided our suggestions by gender. Read the rest of this entry →
March 23, 2011 in Dating
In the weeks since we averted the icebreaker crisis, you’ve likely met someone, managed a few charming conversations rife with wit and hints of passion, and are now ready to sleep together. Good work, troops. However, before your night of seduction, you’ve got to spend a little time thinking about setting the mood. And by “setting the mood”, we don’t mean choosing which of the recently washed sex toys you’ll use first. We’re thinking of music.
March 6, 2011 in Dating
NoDebutante: I started thinking about dating when I was about five-years-old, which I blame entirely on being a child of the swinging 70′s. Since then, I have digested a lot of material about how to attract men, what men want or don’t, what they like in bed and out of bed, what the rules are, when to break the rules, et cetera, et cetera. I read through countless issues of Seventeen and Elle and Cosmopolitan. Thus armed, I achieved approximately four dates in high school, more than a few “dates” in college, and a variety of dates through my early 20s. Eventually, I met a good man, who liked me back, treated me well, and wanted to be with me forever. Read the rest of this entry →
February 26, 2010 in Dating
It would be irresponsible for me to constantly dispense unarguably sound dating advice without also making our female readers aware of some of the dangers involved. In order to drive this point home, Wordsmoker, in partnership with Brinks Broadview Home Security, has prepared some realistic scenarios involving much better looking individuals than I’ve ever seen in real life. Because these training videos are specifically geared towards female viewers, I’ve also included some dating tips for men that may vaguely relate to each video.
February 12, 2010 in Dating
Here are the straight facts, friends. If you aren’t in a relationship by now, you won’t be in one by Sunday. I know you don’t celebrate Valentines Day because you think it’s a Hallmark holiday created by the Rand Corporation or you think it’s irreverent to commemorate the Saint Valentines Day Massacre. Whatever your reason is for not partaking in the festivities is irrelevant. Everyone else out there does and they’re smug bastards about it. Read the rest of this entry →