You are browsing the archive for Cinema.

Movie Without Jessica Chastain Released

January 28, 2013 in Cinema

The entertainment world was rocked last night as it was confirmed that a motion picture had been released without the actress Jessica Chastain in it. The indie drama “Difficult To Watch” - about a couple of heroin addicts living in a car in Kentucky during the Winter of 1977 – was shot apparently without Jessica Chastain appearing at least as a secondary character, perhaps a sad prostitute in a dress, or an over-worked social worker with a drinking problem who drives a Honda.

Read the rest of this entry →

When Good Directors Go Bad – Part 94

August 31, 2012 in Cinema

Woody Allen

Took nude photographs while having an affair with the 20 year old adopted daughter of Mia Farrow and Andre Previn, while he himself was in a relationship with Mia Farrow.

 

 

 

 

 

Read the rest of this entry →

A Monkees Tribute To Jonestown Survivors

August 20, 2012 in Cinema

The Jonestown massacre lives on in our hearts even today, like a sad stent inside a fat person, and that fat person is us, humanity.

Jonestown showed us our innocence lost alongside our own paradise lost, and we can only wish Milton had concentrated on cheese production in rural England as subject matter, and not the terrible fate upon fate that befell those in Jonestown.

For is not Jonestown Everytown?

Everytown, Everywhere?

Literally any town in the world can be the setting of mass murder – just as long as there’s enough people. That’s all it takes, Ladies and Gentlemen.

People.

Rest in peace, Jonestown massacre victims.

Sleep a little sounder, Jonestown massacre survivors.

Let The Monkees sing the truth to power, and love to hate.

From the video description:

“This is another departure from the types of videos I usually make, but I felt compelled to do a tribute to some of the brave souls who survived the massacre at Jonestown. If anything positive is to come from such tragedy and loss, it is that their pain was not in vain and that more can be done to help prevent such terrible things from happening again. The faces of these people show rays of sunshine and their memory is not forgotten. Let’s continue to honor them!”

Come Friendly Bombs (A Review Of Battleship)

August 3, 2012 in Cinema

Come friendly bombs and fall on Earth
It isn’t making anything of worth
Crush it now, snuff out its birth
Swarm over, Death!

Come, bombs and blow to shit
Films inspired by Hasbro, green-lit
I’d like to punch that fucking git
who made 90 minutes taste like meth.

Fuck up a fuck-up they call Hollywood
What they shit out, it’s just so rude
Not even that? It’s not even good!
Raise it to the ground.

Liam Neeson? Rihanna too?
Fucking useless. Terrible. Boo!
I preferred it when you were run by Jew(s)
Hollywood, die, without a sound.

Peter Berg, you should be shot.
Chased by many, finally caught.
Hunted around  the Universal lot
Punched in the nads.

What to do, with product like this?
Supremely bad. Taking the piss.
Just go now, you won’t be missed
No-one will haz the sads.

(with apologies to the great John Betjeman)

The Official Storyline To Halle Berry’s “Dark Tide”

March 9, 2012 in Cinema

“Kate (Halle Berry) is a shark expert whose business has been failing since a shark attack killed a fellow diver under her command. Once dubbed “the shark whisperer,” Kate is haunted by the memory of the attack and unable to get back into the water. With bills piling up and the bank about to foreclose on Kate’s boat, Kate’s ex-boyfriend Jeff (Olivier Martinez) presents her with a lucrative opportunity: lead a thrill-seeking millionaire businessman on a dangerous shark dive…outside the cage. Battling her self-doubts and fear, Kate accepts the proposal — and sets a course for the world’s deadliest feeding ground: Shark Alley. ” (link)

Trailer For Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close Will Make You Want To Join Al-Qaeda

December 7, 2011 in Cinema

The toilet, afterwardsIt's hard to describe how nauseous this stupid fucking film makes me. But, let's try. I've never eaten an oyster, so I've never had the chance to eat a bad one, so I'm guessing it's kinda like that – eating a bad oyster. Eating a bad oyster after a week-long taco diet, with each taco not expelled in the usual way, but stored in my stomach cavity like a hamster hoarding sesame seeds. And all the tacos were bad.

Read the rest of this entry →

Why You Should See “Tyrannosaur”, Why It Should Win Oscars

November 27, 2011 in Cinema

There is a strain of British cinema that's the polar opposite of the usual Oscar-bait costume drama you normally see trailed everywhere. Some call it "miserablist", and it usually involves a portrayal of often alcohol-fuelled violence, the "working class", multiple cups of tea, then some more violence. Then some more tea. Calling it "miserablist" is painting a whole host of independent cinema in broad strokes, much in the same way I just did with the eponymous "costume drama", but everyone needs a sound-bite length description of everything these days, much in the same way we need a "like" button to show agreement or pleasure. The phrase "miserablist cinema" doesn't carry much weight with me – it's too short-hand, too glib and does a disservice to the actual content. I prefer "realist". And it doesn't get more real than Tyrannosaur.

Read the rest of this entry →

Super 8, Mediocre 7

June 12, 2011 in Cinema

Yeah, I said it. Super 8 wasn’t that good. As someone who grew up during the golden age of Spielbergian wonderment (Jaws, Close Encounters, Raiders, ET) I had high hopes of watching Super 8 and being somehow transported back to that time. A time when I used to leave the cinema literally hyper-fucking-active with joy at what I’d just seen minutes before, either looking up at the sky or pretending I had a bullwhip as I ran home to tell my mother what I’d experienced. Nostalgia sweetens the expectations of the current as well as numbing you to it, I’m aware – but something was distinctly lacking in Super 8.

Especially for the child in me.

Read the rest of this entry →

Lionsgate To Release Child-Rearing Movie So Awful That It Will Make You Glad You’re Childless

October 26, 2010 in Annoying Things, Awful Things, Cinema

I don’t have any children. Never really been into the procreating thing – don’t get me wrong, I love the practicing part and the oral stuff, but unless spanking and dirty talk are going to be required to get a lady pregnant, I’m going to be childless for the foreseeable. Now news reaches my brain that Lionsgate – those pushers of the Saw movies – are to adapt the best-seller “What To Expect When You’re Expecting”, which is apparently about pregnancy and raising a mewling little brat only you really love, into a motion picture that you can watch.

Read the rest of this entry →