Here’s the thing. It’s kinda important. If you’re a Twitter user? And you get “abused” by some arsebiscuit via Twitter? You can block them. When you block them, you block them forever. They can’t do it any more. Got it? There. It’s that fucking simple. It’s just like Facebook or any other social wankfest out there. Don’t like what they say? Click a button. You’ll never hear from them ever again.
But that’s not enough, is it? You’re on Twitter for the publicity. For the self-validation in this electronic world. Why, you won’t exist without your specious little musings going unread by someone, my little tree in a forest, will you? No. So instead of just clicking BLOCK USER or whatever, you decide to throw a press release into the winds of change so lazy fucking mainstream journos pick it up and publish it in something read by more people than are currently following you. You let the press know you’re leaving Twitter because it’s good press for you. You’re just too delicate to face these faceless wonders of the modern age, aren’t you? You can’t handle someone else’s truth, can you? Perhaps you’re just too busy to click BLOCK USER? Is that it? Too busy saving the world in 140 characters or less? You’re so wonderful, you really are. I’m not worthy to even follow you. If you hadn’t left Twitter, that is.
Be honest. It’s the publicity. You had a taste of it – feeling important for a second, sometime – and you want more. You love when the focus is upon you. Can’t get enough, can you? I know you can’t. I know you can’t because instead of just clicking BLOCK USER, or disabling your Twitter account without saying anything, you let the press know. Cue the pity party for you. Cue the well-wishers. Cue the publicity.
You’re as bad as the trolls, you are. I’m glad you left. But you’ll be back. Maybe you’ll organise a campaign for you to come back to Twitter? Wouldn’t that be great. Press for leaving, press for returning. Two for the price of one. No-one gets hurt. And lazy fucking journalists and bloggers just lap it up, because they’re whores for new content, no matter the subject. But if that subject is “celebrity” and “social media”? Wow. That’s the motherlode these days. It almost writes itself. Which it did, because you spelled it out for the lazy journos in the press release you released saying you were leaving Twitter.
I know your game. It’s the one that’s been played in the mainstream media for years now. It’s even easier these days, because dead-tree media can barely afford to hire and keep real journalists. You know? The ones who don’t immediately parrot your press releases? It’s called “churnalism”.
And you, Twitter-Pity-Party McGee? You’re the churn.