January 15, 2013 in Celebrity
An adult man who repeatedly rode a bicycle in front of other people will open his mouth and communicate on Thursday, Another person – a woman who has previously shown no interest in bicycles – will sit in a chair and ask him questions.
The questions are rumored to relate to the man riding a bicycle in public over a number of years, using his legs to pedal and his arms to steer, and wearing a little helmet.
December 28, 2012 in Celebrity
December 16, 2012 in Celebrity
For the past two months I’ve relied on the television to distract me from the hideous realities of my life. It sits here, in the corner of the living room, spewing out colours and sound like an electric baby with an over-active arse. And sometimes its liquid, ever-present shit lands on my brain and seeps in, even though I wear my Special Metal Hat. What’s struck me this year is the sheer amount of already-very-rich celebrities who are prepared to lend their face and voices to the sole purpose of selling perfumed water. People who I’ve initially sort-of respected are now off my artistic radar, a radar powered forever by the ghost of the comedian Bill Hicks. And yes – these people are whores, no different and sometimes even more whory than some crack-addict prostitute who’ll blow you for the price of a Happy Meal. They’re already rich beyond nearly everyone’s wildest dreams, respected as artists, lauded and awarded by their peers and yet their greed (and it is greed) detracts from anything else they’ve done that you’ve enjoyed. Them appearing in these incredibly shoddy, art-and-taste-free shitbubbles that pepper your mind during this time of year are an insult to the art they publicly hold so important. Also – fuck them, fuck them all. So – on Facebook, let’s draw up a list of them all, and I’ll load the final post with so much metadata that when anyone searches for them and the word “perfume” or “cologne”, that’ll pop up in the results. I can’t personally call every single one of them to tell them to stop, but maybe, just maybe, just probably not, this will stop lesser mortals (morons) from purchasing what is literally and figuratively their rotten, stinking piss. I’ll also add pictures to spice it up a bit.
December 12, 2012 in Celebrity
It’s below freezing outside, and yet she sits, patient, just beneath my kitchen window. The actress Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s been sitting there for hours now, maybe since 4pm when she first came to the window, gently tapping on it with her elegant fingers, singing a soft song, begging to be let in for maybe a Fairtrade coffee or a small chocolate mint (her clear favourite). I can still see her long, blonde hair flowing in the icy wind, the optimistic look upon her face whenever I went near the kitchen sink, her disappointment when she realised that I was only drying last night’s dinner dishes. I know what she wants. She wants what she’s always wanted since she first started appearing in my back garden, oh, six months ago. Six months ago that seem like a lifetime away, especially if you factor in the weekends. She’ll never fool me again, Gwyneth Paltrow.
August 2, 2012 in Celebrity
Here’s the thing. It’s kinda important. If you’re a Twitter user? And you get “abused” by some arsebiscuit via Twitter? You can block them. When you block them, you block them forever. They can’t do it any more. Got it? There. It’s that fucking simple. It’s just like Facebook or any other social wankfest out there. Don’t like what they say? Click a button. You’ll never hear from them ever again.
But that’s not enough, is it? You’re on Twitter for the publicity. For the self-validation in this electronic world. Why, you won’t exist without your specious little musings going unread by someone, my little tree in a forest, will you? No. So instead of just clicking BLOCK USER or whatever, you decide to throw a press release into the winds of change so lazy fucking mainstream journos pick it up and publish it in something read by more people than are currently following you. You let the press know you’re leaving Twitter because it’s good press for you. You’re just too delicate to face these faceless wonders of the modern age, aren’t you? You can’t handle someone else’s truth, can you? Perhaps you’re just too busy to click BLOCK USER? Is that it? Too busy saving the world in 140 characters or less? You’re so wonderful, you really are. I’m not worthy to even follow you. If you hadn’t left Twitter, that is.
Be honest. It’s the publicity. You had a taste of it – feeling important for a second, sometime – and you want more. You love when the focus is upon you. Can’t get enough, can you? I know you can’t. I know you can’t because instead of just clicking BLOCK USER, or disabling your Twitter account without saying anything, you let the press know. Cue the pity party for you. Cue the well-wishers. Cue the publicity.
You’re as bad as the trolls, you are. I’m glad you left. But you’ll be back. Maybe you’ll organise a campaign for you to come back to Twitter? Wouldn’t that be great. Press for leaving, press for returning. Two for the price of one. No-one gets hurt. And lazy fucking journalists and bloggers just lap it up, because they’re whores for new content, no matter the subject. But if that subject is “celebrity” and “social media”? Wow. That’s the motherlode these days. It almost writes itself. Which it did, because you spelled it out for the lazy journos in the press release you released saying you were leaving Twitter.
I know your game. It’s the one that’s been played in the mainstream media for years now. It’s even easier these days, because dead-tree media can barely afford to hire and keep real journalists. You know? The ones who don’t immediately parrot your press releases? It’s called “churnalism”.
And you, Twitter-Pity-Party McGee? You’re the churn.
July 6, 2012 in Celebrity
Millions of men and women across the globe celebrated today as they heard the news that it’s okay to jerk off to Katie Holmes’ incredible tits in that nude scene from The Gift. During her marriage with Tom Cruise many people were uncertain if they still found her tits to be incredible in that nude scene from The Gift. Internet commenters and compulsive masturbators everywhere found her relationship with Mr Cruise “strangely suffocating their arousal” while looking at her incredible tits, even nip-pics. Man those nipples are fucking awesome. Anyway – it’s all okay now. You’re free to reach orgasm by looking at her incredible tits and awesome nipples again.
Picture after the jump. NSFW.
April 4, 2012 in Celebrity
It was a dark and rainy night. I was visiting an old friend of mine who had ran out of meat for his pet tiger, Derek. As I drove along windswept road after windswept road at low speed, ever mindful of the six dead badgers wrapped in a Hessian bag on the passenger seat, I suddenly heard a noise like a gunshot. My car started to veer over the road like a drunken child, but I managed to keep control of it, and shuddered to a halt in front of a big tree. I was lost in a forest, surrounded by more big trees – and something else. Something worse than a big tree, or a sizeable bush. Death stalked the forest that night, my friend. Death in the form of badger rustlers.
December 30, 2010 in Celebrity
Russell Brand just tweeted this picture of a make-up-less Katy Perry. If you were feeling bad about the adorable Salma Hayek bikini thing a bit earlier, this might make you feel a bit better.
UPDATE: Russell Brand seems to have removed the picture! I’ve found a copy from HolyMoly.com
August 28, 2010 in Celebrity, Drugs
Although the knowledge that suppurating sore on the face of humanity Paris Hilton has been arrested and held in Vegas overnight may provide some schadenfreude-infused joy to your weekend, don’t hold out much hope for justice. She’s very rich and comes from a rich family and these people have the best lawyers that money can rent, so it’s obvious already that she was just carrying the cocaine for a friend or something and nothing – absolutely fucking nothing – will come of this, and in a few weeks time she’ll be getting paid to flash her STD-riddled crotch at a bunch of gormless patrons in some fucking hellhole of a nightclub for money and life will just continue for her as if nothing happened, whereas everyone else’s life will continue to fucking suck, the end.
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