October 19, 2011 in Sad
Once upon a time I visited the American Memorial at Omaha Beach, France. There was a simple monument abutting a cemetery of staggering symmetry. I was impressed with the perfection and geometry of the headstones. Row upon row of crosses stood in rigid alignment. Jewish stars scattered amongst conformed to the same tight tolerances. They were not crying fields and my life wasn’t changed, but I appreciated the effort and statement.
June 18, 2011 in Things To Stick Inside Yourself
The history of anal vibrators is concurrent with the development of the industrial proletariat. Prostatitis was referred to as “devil gas,” as late as the 1850s and thought a result of nocturnal injections by the ghost of Ben Franklin. It was Theodore Roosevelt who declared in 1901 that he enjoyed, “a deep prostate rub” before adventuring into the wilderness. America warmed to the idea soon after.
Thanks to Vaquero for the bums heads up!
January 4, 2010 in The Future Is Here
Dateline: Friday January 3, 2020 If the aughts were the decade of shrunken expectations, corruption, and denial, the tens were the decade of acceptance. Our standard of living did not spike. We never expected it to. The empire’s growth metrics of the last century are quaint and distant relics. Crime, terror, disease and injustice did not go away, but culture wars receded, two wrenching foreign entanglements were resolved and we elected our first female and Hispanic president.
October 30, 2009 in Grump Corner
Giant Halloween stores have opened in my neighborhood, two of them! One sits in what used to be Gristedes, a terrible supermarket chain. The other occupies space formerly leased by J & R Music which went Chapter 11 earlier this year and left. I was indifferent to the departure – prices were okay but service was iffy. I bought my Toshiba laptop from them and 2 years ago I succumbed to an HDTV for my bedroom. I’ve lived in Manhattan for 23 years and harbor neither nostalgia for nor relief from commerce past. Some folks are passionate about changes to the neighborhood. I’m not.
March 2, 2009 in Personal, Rants, The Past
I never wrote Ulysses but I did invent a parlor game for the auto; here’s how it works – get in a cab and proceed down Broadway. At every intersection, observe pedestrians and count the ones that are more attractive than Kate Hudson. Keep track. If you count 25 within 15 minutes, explain to the driver that you are eligible for a discount!
January 19, 2009 in Our long national nightmare is over
1.) Laugh at the condemned.
2.) Foolishly spend.
3.) Impede Science.
4.) Steal.
5.) 7 hour rape.
6.) Proceed with delusion.
7.) Praise the incompetent.
8.) Recklessly disobey laws.
9.) Pretend there’s a Jesus.
10.) Ruin Everything.
Perhaps you could leave additional things in the comments?
January 6, 2009 in Scary!
In the first of a series of probably one, our part-time fornicator, full-time procrastinator and home-schooled submarine mechanic NotAndersonCooper predicts some things that may probably sometime perhaps happen to him if these events do occur to his person probably in 2009 but we’re willing to let it stretch to 2017 just to be on the safe side.
December 15, 2008 in Insidery, Money
Those of you who read WSJ online already know that I am accused of perpetrating the great Wordsmoker Swindle of 2008. Tomorrow morning I will turn myself in and declare that yes, NAC Fusion Management is bankrupt! The funds that you entrusted me with have been stolen by me with zero hope of restitution. There are no 17% returns, no promissory notes from Bank Leumi, no commercial Real Estate and no shares in Google Argentina. It has all been a fraud with your investments going to support an extravagant lifestyle of motorboats and cunnilingus.
December 9, 2008 in Money
Many legal Americans are asking themselves, “This is not my beautiful house?” as the foreclosure man pounds his fist on the white picket foreclosed sign.
And many beautiful Americans are asking themselves, “Where is that large automobile?” “I have made payment for many months until Estevez drove away my happiness.” Can this be?
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