Wordsmoker

Now that former Governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts Mitt Romney has educated us to the FACT that the Russian Empire is the biggest geopolitical threat facing the Several States, it becomes even more important for the distinguished citizenry of this great nation to recognize the other major players that could affect the outcome of a new European war. Remember, the landscape is constantly changing, and the allies of today may become our foes of tomorrow. Additionally, rapid advances in technology have changed the balance of power among the major players of Europe.

The British Empire – Once our dark overlord, the British Empire is a tentative new ally to its former colonies. The Brits boast the finest infantry in the world and their navy is unparalleled. Unfortunately, their rivalry with France and unrest in Ireland and the African colonies may preclude them from any direct intervention in a Russo-American war.

Military Advantages: British Square and Man of War
Weakness: Dentistry

The French First Republic – A young artillery captain has recently increased the efficiency of their cannon batteries. France has been torn asunder by internal strife. Despite their politics, however, it is unwise to underestimate the military might of the French. France borders the former Holy Roman Empire, which is sandwiched between Russia and the FFR. This makes France and Russia natural allies. French people drink wine; eat cheese; are known to be large-penised, gentle lovers; and are afraid to stand up for themselves under any circumstances.

Military Advantages: 12-Pounders and the Maginot Line
Weakness: Profound Cowardice

The Kingdom of Sweden – Developers of the mobile cannon, the Swedes may no longer be the raiders of the days of yore, but are still very warlike and aggressive. The House of Bernadotte has a special place in its heart for Ivan, so don’t be surprised if you see a few spoked wheels sidling upside the Russian guns. Herring, anyone?

Military Advantages: Mobile Cannon, Inexpensive Furniture, and the Berserker Rage
Weakness: Fish-intensive Diet

The Kingdom of Prussia – The Junker Class boasts some of the finest military minds in Europe. The Prussians might align themselves with the Armed Forces of the United States if they see a way to grab up some of the disorganized states of the former Holy Roman Empire. Just don’t sit on their helmets.

Military Advantages: Superior Military Strategists and Zeppelins
Weakness: Multi-cultural diversity has left them without a sense of national unity.

The Kingdom of Poland – Mostly flat country that’s easily overrun. The Poles are always slow to mobilize. If necessary, the U.S. can invade this country on the way into Russia. Everyone else does.

Military Advantages: Leads the world in blunderbuss stockpiles.
Weaknesses: 0-12 record in war wins. The country is basically a flat field with zero natural barriers. Imagine invading a baseball diamond.

The Russian Empire – As was previously mentioned, Governor Romney sees the USSR, or Soviet Union, as among the greatest geopolitical threats to the United States. Constantly in search for a warm water port, the Bolshois are a nation of farmers and tractor manufacturers. The Russians have the Cossack, which is a horseback guy with a sword and rifled musket.

Military Advantages: Brutal winters and the Cossack
Weakness: They go mental over ballet

The United States of America – Developers of the first nuclear ICBMs, the United States holds a clear advantage over its European rivals. Since we are a democratic republic, however, the government may be reluctant to unleash its nuclear fury on its European rivals. The good news is that our doughboys are a rough and ready lot. If the Brits can be persuaded to assist in escorting our troop transports, we could be eating borsht in Leningrad before the spring thaw.

Some military strategists also find this chart potentially useful: