Wordsmoker

A wave of anger that saw cheese, Champagne and insouciance attacked by Royalists swept across the British Isles on Friday, with violent scenes playing out on streets from John O’Groats to Land’s End. Protests, mostly aimed at French embassies and delicatessens by the emergence of crude photographs taken of the Duchess of Cambridge were reported in Chordmorton, Felcham, Fistingham and the island known as Sark.

In Pushbottom, an industrial town near Leeds, crowds of rioters throwing onions clashed with police outside the local French embassy, who responded with several rounds of teargas and indifference. Several dozen English protesters briefly stormed the embassy compound, tearing down pictures of Jerry Lewis and raising a banner bearing excerpts from the relevant privacy laws, the Associated Press reported. Reports said that at least two demonstrators had been killed.

A fire could be seen within the embassy compound, and an Edith Piaf record was also reported to be ablaze.

Some of the worst violence of the day was in the French capital, where anti-nude-Royal protesters targeted the German embassy by mistake because of the layout of the trees. Not to be denied vengeance, the protesters over-turned a tank, stormed through the outer wall and set fire to buildings and a dog near the gates before they were pushed back by French police positing very little in the way of understanding man’s condition. Several German diplomats fled to the British embassy next door, laughing.

The French embassy in Khartoum, which appears to have been the next target, announced that they hadn’t any copies of Closer magazine and that all nude pictures of the British Royal family had been deleted from flash drives and laptops. The embassy attacks in Sudan marked the first time anti-nipple protests over the pictures had mutated into a widespread and surrealist, anti-French revolt.

As the riots continued to spread, the bodies of four French students killed in an attack on a cafe in Dorset were returned to French soil. They were met by a man in a raincoat who said their deaths must cause even the most hopeful to question a fundamental Western belief in nipples making the world a better place.

Speaking next to the coffins of the French students, the man probably named Alain or Michele praised each of the students in turn while again vowing to “bring to justice those who snapped those perky, dark nipples in the open air” and to “stand fast against the continuing tide of attacks” on French embassies and other oblique targets, such as liberty.

“These nipples embrace the feminine ideal. They embody it. They stand proud with courage, hope and, yes, idealism. That fundamental belief that nipples make everything better.” said Alain or Michele.

“We don’t know what the fuss is all about. Her tits are so blurred you’d think that old woman who retouched the Jesus picture had painted them onto a corrugated iron sheet”.