Wordsmoker

Did you see Clint Eastwood’s bizarre and painfully unfunny speech at the Republican National Convention?

I’ve watched it five times today, and now that I’m drunk, I think I’m ready to give it my all-caps blow-by-blow response.

Here we go!

 

EASTWOOD:  Thank you very much.   Thank you.  Thank you very much.  Save a little for Mitt. (APPLAUSE)

LOLOLOLOL OKAY WE’LL DO THAT.

I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking, what’s a movie tradesman doing out here?  You know they are all left wingers out there, left of Lenin.  At least that is what people think.  That is not really the case.  There are a lot of conservative people, a lot of moderate people, Republicans, Democrats, in Hollywood.  It is just that the conservative people by the nature of the word itself play closer to the vest. They do not go around hot dogging it.     (APPLAUSE)

I KNOW, SUCH AS SPEAKING AT THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION. YOU CONSERVATIVES ARE SO MUCH MORE CONSERVATIVE THAT WAY, AREN’T YOU?

So — but they are there, believe me, they are there.  I just think, in fact, some of them around town, I saw John Voigt, a lot of people around.
(APPLAUSE)

OH YEAH, THERE ARE LOTS OF CONSERVATIVES IN HOLLYWOOD.  LIKE JOHN VOIGT, AND JOHN VOIGT, AND I THINK THAT GUY FROM GIRLS GONE WILD IS SOME KIND OF LIBERTARIAN OR SOMETHING.

John’s here, an academy award winner.  A terrific guy. These people are all like-minded, like all of us. So I — so I’ve got Mr. Obama sitting here.  And he’s — I was going to ask him a couple of questions.

BUT WAIT! BARACK OBAMA ISN’T THERE IN THE CHAIR! OOOOOH I GET IT, YOU’RE JUST PRETENDING HE’S THERE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

But — you know about — I remember three and a half years ago, when Mr. Obama won the election. And though I was not a big supporter, I was watching that night when he was having that thing and they were talking about hope and change and they were talking about, yes we can, and it was dark outdoors, and it was nice, and people were lighting candles.  They were saying, I just thought, this was great. Everybody is crying, Oprah was crying.  (LAUGHTER)

HAHAHAHAHA SILLY BLACK PEOPLE AND THEIR BEING PROUD OF HAVING A PRESIDENT FOR ONCE.

I was even crying.  And then finally — and I haven’t cried that hard since I found out that there is 23 million unemployed people in this country. (APPLAUSE)

OH YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, BECAUSE OF WHAT BUSH DID.

Now that is something to cry for because that is a disgrace, a national disgrace, and we haven’t done enough, obviously — this administration hasn’t done enough to cure that.  Whenever interest they have is not strong enough, and I think possibly now it may be time for somebody else to come along and solve the problem. (APPLAUSE)

YES IT’S ABOUT TIME WE LET ANOTHER REPUBLICAN FUCK UP OUR COUNTRY AGAIN.  BECAUSE BUSH JR., BUSH SR., REAGAN, FORD, NIXON, AND HOOVER ALL DID SUCH GREAT JOBS OF THAT.

So, Mr. President, how do you handle promises that you have made when you were running for election, and how do you handle them? I mean, what do you say to people?  Do you just — you know — I know — people were wondering — you don’t — handle that OK. (LAUGHTER)

HAHAHAHAHA! LOOK AT THAT! BARACK OBAMA HAS NOTHING TO SAY, DOES HE?! HE’S SPEECHLESS! YOU’VE REALLY NAILED HIM, CLINT!

Well, I know even people in your own party were very disappointed when you didn’t close Gitmo.  And I thought, well closing Gitmo — why close that, we spent so much money on it.  But, I thought maybe as an excuse — what do you mean shut up?  (LAUGHTER)

HAHAHA LOOK AT THAT! BARACK OBAMA IS TRYING TO SILENCE CLINT EASTWOOD FROM SPEAKING TRUTH TO POWER!  BUT CLINT’S NOT GOING TO LET HIM! HAHAHAHA

OK, I thought maybe it was just because somebody had the stupid idea of trying terrorists in downtown New York City.  (APPLAUSE)

OMG I HEARD OBAMA WAS ALSO GOING TO BUILD A MOSQUE THERE.

I’ve got to to hand it to you.  I have to give credit where credit is due.  You did finally overrule that finally.  And that’s — now we are moving onward.  I know you were against the war in Iraq, and that’s okay.  But you thought the war in Afghanistan was OK. You know, I mean — you thought that was something worth doing.  We didn’t check with the Russians to see how did it — they did there for 10 years. (APPLAUSE)

HAHA OMG I TOTALLY REMEMBER THAT! ALL THE REPUBLICANS WERE WAY AGAINST THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN AND IRAQ!  AND THE DEMOCRATS WERE ALL “YOU’RE EITHER FOR US OR AGAINST US” AND “IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GO TO WAR THEN YOU HATE FREEDOM!” AH, MEMORIES.  REMEMBER FREEDOM FRIES?  SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!

But we did it, and it is something to be thought about, and I think that, when we get to maybe — I think you’ve  mentioned something about having a target date for bringing everybody home.  You gave that target date, and I think Mr. Romney asked the only sensible question, you know, he says, “Why are you giving the date out now? Why don’t you just bring them home tomorrow morning?”  (APPLAUSE)

THAT’S RIGHT! AND THE DEMOCRATS WERE ALSO ALWAYS GOING “STAY THE COURSE, AND DON’T CUT AND RUN!” WOW, IT’S LIKE 2005 ALL OVER AGAIN!  HAVEN’T A TON OF PEOPLE DIED BECAUSE OF THE WAR THAT YOU REPUBLICANS STARTED? THIS IS TOTALLY TASTEFUL AND I’M SURE THEIR SURVIVING FAMILY MEMBERS REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.

And I thought — I thought, yeah — I am not going to shut up, it is my turn. (LAUGHTER)

WOW, CLINT IS NOT GOING TO LET OBAMA SHUT HIM UP! THIS IS AWESOME! YOU GO, GIRL!  DON’T LET OBAMA SILENCE THE REPUBLICAN PARTY’S NEWFOUND ANTI-WAR SENTIMENTS!

So anyway, we’re going to have — we’re going to have to have a little chat about that.  And then, I just wondered, all these promises — I wondered about when the — what do you want me to tell Romney?  I can’t tell him to do that.  I can’t tell him to do that to himself. (APPLAUSE)

OOOOH SNAP! DID PRETEND OBAMA REALLY JUST TELL CLINT EASTWOOD TO TELL ROMNEY TO GO FUCK HIMSELF! I CAN’T BELIEVE OUR PRESIDENT TALKS LIKE THAT!!!

You’re crazy, you’re absolutely crazy.  You’re getting as bad as Biden. (APPLAUSE) Of course we all now Biden is the intellect of the Democratic party. (LAUGHTER)

AND WHO’S THE INTELLECT OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY? IS IT THAT RAPE DUDE?

Kind of a grin with a body behind it. (LAUGHTER)

HAHAHA NOT LIKE PAUL RYAN AT ALL.

But I just think that there is so much to be done, and I think that Mr. Romney and Mr. Ryan are two guys that can come along. See, I never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to the president, anyway. (APPLAUSE) I think attorneys are so busy — you know they’re always taught to argue everything, and always weight everything — weigh both sides…

NOT QUALITIES WE WANT IN A PRESIDENT, THAT’S FOR DAMN SURE.

They are always devil’s advocating this and bifurcating this and bifurcating that.

I THINK MY GRANDPA TOOK THAT BIFURCATING MEDICINE WHEN HE WAS ALIVE.

You know all that stuff. But, I think it is maybe time — what do you think — for maybe a businessman.  How about that? (APPLAUSE)

I THINK SOME OF THOSE BUSINESSMEN FROM A.I.G. SHOULD RUN THE COUNTRY.

A stellar businessman.  Quote, unquote, “a stellar businessman.”

WHO ARE YOU QUOTING?

And I think it’s that time.  And I think if you just step aside and Mr. Romney can kind of take over.  You can maybe still use the plane. (APPLAUSE) Though maybe a smaller one.  Not that big gas guzzler you are going around to colleges and talking about student loans and stuff like that. (APPLAUSE)

HAHAHA YEAH! REPUBLICANS REALLY CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT!

You are an — an ecological man.  Why would you want to drive that around? OK, well anyway.  All right, I’m sorry.  I can’t do that to myself either. (APPLAUSE)

OH SHIT OBAMA DID NOT JUST TELL CLINT EASTWOOD TO FUCK HIMSELF! DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HE’S TALKING TO DIRTY HARRY?

I would just like to say something, ladies and gentlemen.  Something that I think is very important.  It is that, you, we — we own this country. (APPLAUSE) We — we own it.  It is not you owning it, and not politicians owning it.  Politicians are employees of ours. (APPLAUSE) And  – so — they are just going to come around and beg for votes every few years.  It is the same old deal.  But I just think it is important that you realize , that you’re the best in the world. Whether you are a Democrat or Republican or whether you’re libertarian or whatever, you are the best.

WAIT.  WHO IS ‘YOU’ REFERRING TO NOW? WASN’T IT OBAMA JUST A MINUTE AGO?

And we should not ever forget that. And when somebody does not do the job, we got to let them go. (APPLAUSE)

WHERE’S DONALD TRUMP WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

Okay, just remember that.  And I’m speaking out for everybody out there.  It doesn’t hurt, we don’t have to be (AUDIENCE MEMBER):  (inaudible) (LAUGHTER) I do not say that word anymore.  Well, maybe one last time. (LAUGHTER)

WAIT WHAT’S THE WORD? IS IT FUCK? I BET IT’S FUCK.  IT’S FUCK, ISN’T IT?

We don’t have to be — what I’m saying, we do not have to be masochists and vote for somebody that we don’t really even want in office just because they seem to be nice guys or maybe not so nice guys, if you look at some of the recent ads going out there, I don’t know. (APPLAUSE)

REPUBLICANS NEVER RUN ATTACK ADS.

But OK.  You want to make my day? (APPLAUSE)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! GRAN TORINO WAS RACIST FILTH, BTW.

All right.  I started, you finish it.  Go ahead.
AUDIENCE:  Make my day!
EASTWOOD:  Thank you.  Thank you very much.