Wordsmoker

In the heart of Broward County, there’s a little known grotto that’s carved into the decorative hedges lining a certain movie theater parking lot, where one can go and see all manners of the region’s wild fauna—lizards in particular. If I’m being completely honest here, I do not love all members of Class Reptilia equally. I definitely prefer turtles and lizards to snakes, sleestaks, or crocogators, but I grew up in a different time, so that’s really more my cross to bear. Anyway, the incredible thing about this magical secret garden is that it’s crawling with all kinds of lizards. I found it while urinating.

Without boring you with the proper Latin names for all of the difference species of lizards that I’ve seen, there are Cuban anoles, Jesus lizards, Enik, iguanas, and maybe even an occasional Gila monster. I’m not sure how there came to be such a gentle understanding between these noble creatures and myself. Maybe they sense my inner tranquility. Perhaps it’s the fact that I allow them to see me at my most vulnerable moment, penis in hand. Or it could be the fact that their home is also used by juveniles looking for a place to experiment with drugs and homeless people who need temporary lodging.

The important thing is that I’m never really alone when I’m there. When I walk through the small aperture in the hedge line, sure the lizards run, but they’re running towards me. “How’s it going, Chill,” I can almost hear them saying in their cute, little lizard voices. Sometimes I’ll say in a loud voice that’s deeper than the way I really talk, “You say that there’s been a drought? You can’t get your crops to grow because you don’t have enough urine?” And then I spray down all the land. I know it’s a little ridiculous because of the canal that runs behind the hedges, but we all have great fun with it.

Why is this a story about Purell™? Because I’m somewhat of a notorious hand-douser (exactly what it sounds like), before Purell™ hand sanitizer came along, I would have never gone to the bathroom anywhere but in a proper public restroom so that I could unabashedly cleanse away my liquid waste without resorting to spit. Purell™ has freed me from the shackles of public restroom hunting and introduced me to a new world full of fascinating little friends.

Thank you, Purell™

Have you ever avoided an outbreak of plague because you sanitized your hands? Do you feel that sex is safer squirting a blast of Purell™ inside of your prophylactic condoms? Please leave your Purell™ stories in the comments.