August 15, 2012 in The Unbearable Lightness Of Television
Man I’ve got a show for you. You listening? Okay. We all agree that some sort of moral and ethical barrier was crossed by airing “Stars Earn Stripes”. “Vaulted” is probably more accurate a term. But fuck that. It’s done now. The line in the sand has been crossed and today we’re all a bit clearer in where television is in 2012. It’s pretending that pretend-celebrities pretend to pretend that they’re going into pretend-battle against pretend-enemies in a pretence of a show from a pretence of a broadcast network.
That’s television today.
“Starship Troopers” with drones and smaller brown bugs.
I mean. I can’t say I’m not to blame. I watched “Stars Earn Stripes” out of sheer curiosity, and I helped make it a hit.
Of course – I watched it for all the wrong reasons – it’s so bad, it has to be witnessed, I’m sure you’ll agree – but I’m part of the problem causing it because we get the television we deserve.
The cat’s out the television bag now.
Let’s run with it. The cat.
STARS EARN STRIPES GO WILD
VO: COMING SOON!!!!
*EXPLOSION FILLS THE SCREEN*
VO: You saw them firing real, live ammunition while pretend-fighting
in pretend-wars against pretend-enemies,
now see what happens when they go on tour!
*IMAGES OF HELICOPTER GUNSHIPS, MORE EXPLOSIONS*
VO: Let’s just say – It Gets Wild.
*SHOW PIXELLATED TITS BOUNCING IN ACTIVE WAR ZONE, TANK BARREL RISING*
VO: War is hell, viewer, and when these celebrities are done
fighting for you?
*SHOW CLOSE-UP OF BLONDE WOMAN’S FACE WHILE FIRING GUN*
VO: They like to kick back and partay!!!!!
*SHOW FEMALE PUBIC MOUND WRITHING IN MILITARY UNIFORM*
VO: We’re talking GUNS.
*SHOW MUSCULAR WHITE MAN SEMI-NAKED IN MILITARY UNIFORM WITH GUN*
VO: We’re talking GIRLS.
*SHOW SCANTILY-CLAD WHITE WOMAN (NO UNIFORM) WITH GUN FIRING*
VO: We’re talking OFF THE RECORD.
*SHOW SCANTILY-CLAD LATINO WOMAN FIRING FLAME-THROWER AT TANK*
VO: And we’re talking FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.
*SHOW THREE OR FOUR UNIFORMED WOMEN OILED UP AND GRINDING TOGETHER*
VO: STARS EARN STRIPES GO WILD.
*SCREEN EXPLODES IN A BURST OF GUNS, TITS, TANKS, FIRING DRONES AND EXPLOSIONS*
VO: Coming soon on NBC.
There you go. That’s the next step in televisual evolution.
I’m standing on the shoulders of televisual giants here. I’m only adding the next spin on the content you created.
Let’s get together and earn a fortune.