Wordsmoker

Well it was a long slog, but we’ve finally reached the finish line. Sadly, there are no gold medals waiting for us, just the sick, empty feeling of a fourth place finish and a Certificate of Participation. This was the very last episode of Miss Advised. Did our three lovely ladies find love? Or a reasonable facsimile? Well, duh. No, probably not. But that’s what makes it fun for us, the viewers.

First up, Emily. Emily and Michigan David are wine tasting in Napa Valley, because that is what people from San Francisco do on dates. I’m already bored. A drunken weekend wine tasting with a bunch of friends, yay. Wine tasting on a date? Forced. Trite. Meh.

After a few too many merlots, David tells Emily that he does not believe in monogamy. He strongly infers that she is a long-distance hookup. They go back to their Bed & Breakfast, make out on the couch in front of a roaring fire, and fall asleep. Again, I’m bored to tears.

The next morning, David proclaims that once they have sex, the game is over. There is no more thrill of the chase, no more “strange puss.” Yes, he said that. For real. “Strange puss.” Emily packed her bags and they had what I would imagine was the most awkward drive back to San Francisco humanly possible.

Oh good! Amy is here to lighten the mood! Not only does Amy go to the gym at the gym, but she goes to the gym in her building. She does this because her new boyfriend, Kevin, lives at gym-gym, so she has banished herself to building-gym so that he never sees her sweat.

Her new boyfriend, Kevin, sends her a gift. It is a pair of flannel cupcake pajamas, just like the ones she mentioned on their last and only prior date. Amy is smitten. That is all it took. Well, okay. Reach for the stars, Amy.

Amy and her new boyfriend, Kevin, meet for dinner at a restaurant that is not inside of a gym. She appropriately blurts out, “This is what you look like outside of the gym!” Kevin is so incredibly awkward, and not in an endearing way. He brought her a bouquet of red roses, and she doesn’t know what to do with them because it is a restaurant and there are no vases on the menu. Pro tip: It is kind of a pain in the ass to carry around a bouquet of flowers on a date, so unless you are meeting your date at a home or office, skip the bouquet.

Because things were not awkward enough, Amy’s new boyfriend, Kevin, makes her read the card out loud to the cameras: “Dear Amy, I hope these put as big of a smile on your face as you put on mine.”

They kiss, and it’s totally squicky. I’m happy for them, really. Mazel tov.

Julia’s apartment is overrun with pelicans and a small albino Ewok. No, wait, that’s just the establishing shot on the beach. She invites Mr. Happy over again because she’s having “a really tough time getting over Andrew,” the man she went on two whole dates with before he dumped her. Julia’s confused. She let her guard down and was still rejected, which just confirmed what we’ve all been saying: Julia Allison is to dating what the durian is to fruit.

Julia is also a terrible writer because she has only managed to hork up three paragraphs for her Elle Dot Com column. But, rather than buckle down and power through, Julia takes a break and meets two friends at a café. But oh! What good fortune! One of these women volunteers to set Julia up with a middle school teacher. The phrase “middle school teacher” causes Julia to do a spit take. A middle school teacher? What on earth could she have in common with a…commoner? I don’t know. It kind of works, in theory. I mean, anyone who can tolerate a room full of fourteen-year-olds is probably someone who has the patience to deal with one Julia Allison.

Back at her apartment, Julia gets a call from Brian, whom she labels “The Middle School Teacher” because we are all nothing more than our professions. He asks her out to something called a Paint Lab where they drink wine and slather tempera paint on canvases, just like real artists. Ever the caricature, Julia paints her canvas hot pink with pink hearts. It’s a masterpiece reminiscent of an early Thomas Kincaid. Brian the Middle School Teacher is a good sport and even allows Julia to kiss him before they go their separate ways. But alas, it is not meant to be. He never calls her for a second date. Bad move, Brian. One more date would’ve earned you a free blow job.

And that’s it. Emily’s dreams of a Napa wedding are shattered, Amy is dating a guy who looks like he has been greeted at the door by Chris Hansen, and Julia is still Julia, no better than when we first met her all of those years ago. But hey, we had fun even if they didn’t, and that’s what really matters. Thank you for following along with me, and I hope that you join me for future recaps which may or may not include Gallery Girls.