and I didn’t speak out because I’m a smoker.

Well. I did.

I complained long and fucking hard about the utter bullshit that is “passive smoking” and the ban on smoking in public places. I told everyone I know that the exhaust system on your fucking car or van or bus or train pumps out more deadly particulates in ONE FUCKING DAY THAN I DO IN A LIFETIME.

But no.

Governments need to be seen to be doing something, and why not pick on smokers. Fuck those people. Let’s just ban smoking fucking everywhere, because we obviously can’t actually spend money on actually helping the health of whatever nation you happen to be in, so we’ll just ban something, let’s ban smokers, and smoking, because they’re cunts. It won’t cost much. We can do it by pointing fingers at smokers like Donald Sutherland in Invasion Of The Passive Smokers Body-Snatchers, let’s point at them all and hiss, they’re bad, their passive smoking is killing MILLIONS OF SERVING STAFF AROUND THE WORLD. LET’S BAN HAVING A CIGARETTE IN A CAFE. THAT WILL SAVE THE HEALTH OF THE NATION. OF THE WORLD.

You must forgive me for feeling slightly annoyed. I’m a smoker. I wish I wasn’t a smoker, but that’s a story you’ll hear from every smoker, everywhere. Fuck you. I’m addicted to the most pernicious narcotic substance outside of opium. I sometimes feed this addiction using a nicotine delivery system which comes in a packet of tobacco. I roll my own delivery system as it stops me getting cranky and ripping your fucking head off, you non-smoking fuck. And you fucks – you non-smoking fucks who believe they’re going to live forever because they don’t smoke – you know what?

I actually believed you about the passive smoking thing.

I actually believed all those waiters and waitresses were dying like flies. Dropping dead they were. They are. I mean – you’ve seen the news, haven’t you? All the corpses around the doors of your local cafe or bar? You must’ve seen them. Millions of serving staff, dead. I can’t even get into my local cafe these days for the piles of dead bodies caused by my smoking. It’s like The Killing Fields in my town’s main street, what with the corpses.

It’s a holocaust. And I’m a nazi. For smoking.

And now, because you’re a cunt and you didn’t complain about the bullshit about “passive smoking”, they’re coming for you now, you lazy fuck. That’s right. They’re coming for

PEOPLE WHO SIT.

Passive seating, ladies and gentlemen. And we’re all guilty of it. Having a little seat during our work-break. Sitting a little during dinner. Maybe watching television and having a sit. Even when we’re driving in our really healthy cars that only spit out love and flowers – how many times have we had a cheeky little sit in our own cars? I mean – sometimes we even sit when there’s kids there. Right in the car. WITH US. WHAT KIND OF LESSON ARE WE GIVING TO THE CHILDREN, THEY ARE OUR FUTURE.

Fuck off.

I’d love to quit smoking. I’d love to click my fingers and that’d be it. I’d be done. But it’s bullshit like “passive smoking” that actually keeps me wanting to be a smoker. God fucking forbid I turn into a clucking, finger-waving non-smoker. That is actually more horrific to me than coughing up a lung. Becoming that thing, that finger-wagging, tutting cunt that I know a lot of you are. Because you believed the bullshit about “passive smoking”. You fucking swallowed it hook, line and sinker. You believed that a waiter was dying every hour because of people smoking around him. That waitresses were falling like fucks because of “passive smoking”. You’ll believe anything because we all need a nazi in our lives. We all need an enemy. A hate figure. Someone to gauge ourselves against and feel better. Someone “subhuman” perhaps? Which is how smokers are seen these days. They’re handy. For everyone. For governments, so they can be seen to “do something” at the lowest possible cost with the highest possible gain.

You helped turn a cigarette into a little yellow or pink star.

And now they’re coming for you, you fat, lazy cunts. The nazi’s weren’t the smokers after all.

It was you.

Stand up and be counted.

*lights cigarette*