Wordsmoker

Sigh. Here we are again, back for another round of punishment. In this week’s episode, the three ladies continue their quest for real love on a fake reality television program.

Emily’s radio show guest is a polyamory relationship expert named Reid who may or may not live in a heavily armed compound in the woods. Reid is on the show to promote his kissing workshop, and he asks Emily to be a demo model. Aaaaaand she agrees. Basically, if you want a date with Emily, just go on her show and ask her out.

After making out in front of an audience for a while, Reid and Emily go for a drink. He then tries to recruit Emily for a threesome with himself and his partner, Allison. Forgetting the ever-important Never Let Him Take You To A Second Location rule, Emily goes to his house which is just as cheesy as you can imagine the house of a self-professed polyamory relationship expert would be. Think large room with lots of mattresses and pillows on the floor. Finally, Emily gets as creeped out as the rest of us and flees the scene.

Amy is having trouble focusing on her work because she’s thinking about Lewis, the man who never called her after their horrible first faux date two episodes ago. So she asks a male friend to meet her in Central Park so that she can whine to him about Lewis, because people always meet their friends in Central Park in the middle of a workday. Totally natural.

And behold! It worked! All of that whining caused the producers to throw their hands in the air and hire Lewis to take Amy out on another date! He’s going to text Amy the info for a salsa thing. This sends Amy into a clothing frenzy because ZOMG! What does one wear to a salsa thing? Apparently you wear a teal strapless dress. Once on their “date,” Amy chastises Lewis for failing to text her two days in a row. RUN, Lewis, RUN! Alert! Alert! WE HAVE A NEEDY CLINGER!!! In an effort to mark her territory, Amy goes in for a kiss, and Lewis, cornered like a frightened rabbit, obliges.

Having exhausted all other options, Julia enlists the services of a witch to put a love spell on her. But first, the witch needs to get rid of Julia’s mountain of dating baggage. The witch orders Julia to think only about herself, which is a real stretch since Julia is usually so compassionate and altruistic, while she shapes a man out of clay. Then, the witch wants Julia to write ten qualities she wants in a man on pink paper. Julia finds this task to be genuinely difficult because asking her to choose only ten is “like asking me which tutu to throw out.” They then bring in a second witch to finish the job because Julia’s love life is in such dire straits that it’s all hands on deck.

In violation of his multi-episode contract, William has not called or texted Julia. Rather than take the hint, Julia calls William herself to invite him on a “fun” date. Oh lordy lord, the “fun” date is horseback riding. And of course she has a pink cowboy hat. And she’s wearing pink cowboy boots. And a big sign that says “I have girl parts!”

This “fun” date doesn’t look like much fun. Like most men who do not make their living in the cowboying industry, William is extraordinarily uncomfortable on the horse. After ruining any chance of enjoying a working penis later that night, Julia drags William to a wine tasting where she uses the now-illegal-in-California fois gras method to force-feed William wine. And oh for fuck’s sake, she has learned absolutely nothing. Julia literally begs William for a kiss, and when he offers his cheek, she does not let up. Poor William. Eventually he gives in and kisses the crazy lady in the pink cowboy boots.

When the limo drops them both off at Julia’s apartment, William goes inside only to turn around and leave seconds later. He says that he might see her again, but I suspect that this is the last we will see of William. It isn’t until the next morning when Julia realizes that William was ambivalent about a third date. Never one to just let things go, she puts on a beachy wedding gown and chucks a box filled with her hopes and dreams into the ocean in an effort to kickstart the witches’ spell.

So…I guess congratulations, women of Miss Advised, you have all finally gotten to first base.
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Programming Note: I will be taking a two-week break from recapping Miss Advised. It’s not you, it’s me. Okay, it’s not me, either. It’s vacation. So enjoy your respite, and we will reconvene in a few weeks for Julia Allison’s nuptials. What, that’s how these kinds of shows work, right?