Wordsmoker

We’re back! I know, I can’t believe it, either. But here we are again, basking in the glow of reality television and pointing and laughing at its newest starlets (pronounced “sterlits,” like “terlits”), Emily, Amy, and Princess Julia Allison, of the Kingdom of Narcissism.

Professional sex talker Emily is headed home to Michigan where she is being set up on a date with her recently divorced childhood crush, David. She packs her vibrator and a sweater because it is chilly in Michigan.

Although everyone back home assures Emily that David is still sooooo hot, it appears that he is only hot by Midwestern standards, which means he has all of his hair and hasn’t yet developed a beer gut. David takes Emily to a seafood restaurant where they hold hands over salad and wine. The date goes reasonably well, and the next night she goes over to his house where they snuggle on the couch. He confesses that he has high expectations because she is a sex expert, but lets Emily know that he is not interested in “sex with the butt.” So, they have sex with their mouths instead.

Amy is still thinking about Lewis and how many calories she consumed for him and WHY HASN’T HE CALLED IT’S BEEN THREE WEEKS OMG MAYBE MY PHONE IS BROKEN! To distract her from Lewis, a friend sets her up with Tim. Amy gets dressed up like a conservative hooker and meets Tim at a fancy restaurant of her own choosing. Tim is a typical finance douche, and Amy spends the date instructing him on what to say and what not say on a date because she is a Professional Matchmaker. She is also an awful, lousy date.

Later, we see Amy at a doctor’s office getting Botox because “I want to look natural.” I hope Bravo follows up with Amy in another ten years for a series called Smug Spinsters And Their Fur Babies.

Julia meets with her manager, Stephen. She reads him an email from someone at Page Six who heard that Julia was harassing her ex, the son of Sarah Palin’s running mate. It was serious, guys. They were talking about marriage! And for the record, Julia dumped him, not the other way around. She had to make a decision — could she fulfill her dreams as a military wife? No! No she couldn’t! So SHE ended it with HIM. Julia’s manager seems disinterested in discussing a year-old email, so he broaches the subject of her Elle Dot Com article. Elle Dot Com is not thrilled with Julia’s writing. They said that her story was “fine,” but she’s not pushing herself. When Julia whines that she’s doing her best, Stephen responds, “If this is your best, we’re completely fucked.”

In order to provide more material for her next Elle Dot Com article, Julia hires a “love coach,” Annie, and seeks advice for her upcoming date with William, a young entrepreneur. Julia has a love for entrepreneurs, which is not something that normal people say or think. Annie begins her coaching session by teaching Julia how to flirt. Lady, be very careful, you’re doing the devil’s work.

Julia’s date with William begins on a bike, progresses to a coffee shop, and is then magically transformed into a restaurant. Here, we learn that Julia hates the word “blogger.” Just hearing it short circuits something in Julia Allison’s brain, causing her to blather incoherently. “I tend to say journalist. Most of my stuff has been in print. That’s not true, it just feels more legitimate. Did you Google me? I have the ass of a Kardashian and the tits of a Far Side cartoon.” Learning a lesson from the prior episode, the producers have already signed William up for a multi-date contract. Per the terms and conditions, he asks her out again.

Because their first session went so swimmingly, Annie returns to Casa Del Allison and asks Julia to show her The Best Worst Website On The Internet, rebloggingdonk.com, a hilarious wonderland dedicated to mocking Julia Allison. The site calls Julia a stalker, which makes water leak out of her eyelids. Annie clarifies — the site may call her a stalker, but what they really mean to say is that she is a “selfish, self absorbed, narcissistic bitch.”

Not content with just an average stream of tears, Annie then goes in for the kill and explains that the media has written Julia off as a princess because that all she has ever offered. Seriously, Julia. This woman is right. You present yourself to the world as an entitled twat, color-coding your life with hot pink and sparkles, pawing at any successful man who might be able to hoist your ass farther up that ladder, yet you want us to be nice to you…why? Respect is earned. So take Annie’s advice and drop the shtick. Go for authenticity. And maybe start by losing those ridiculous eyelashes.