Hey, America! Have you heard of this guy, Mitt Romney? I just came across him because he’s on tour over here in the UK at the moment. Fucking hell. He is HILARIOUS. I mean, Steve Martin in the 80′s hilarious. Why do you keep producing these excellent stand-up guys, America? Is it the guns or the cheese in everything you eat? I don’t care, because I’m a fan of Mitt Romney. I’ve checked the internet and stuff for more material, and holy shit – there’s loads of it. I can’t get enough! Why hasn’t he been on Marc Maron talking about his childhood or something while Marc tries to make a cat talk? BOOK HIM, MARON. DO IT. Holy craps. I mean – Mitt (it’s even a comedy name!) is over in the UK at the moment on tour, doing the usual comedy venues (10 Downing Street) on the Romney 2012 Tour. Fucking guy is amazing. Like – he does this character like Colbert, but it’s not Colbert. Honestly? Best performance ever. Anyway. Get this. He’s walking about today and some dude called Brian Williams is interviewing him and Mitt just goes off on this incredible stream of consciousness thing, like Robin Williams used to back in the day, but this was like 10 times better. Mitt just starts talking about whatever comes into his head at the time, and starts blabbing on about Olympic security and stuff, and traffic and like, I dunno. Did you catch this? I thought Al Franken was about the only political funny-guy you had over there! Where have you been keeping this dude!??? Okay, so Mitt does this like 5 minute routine thing with Brian Williams and later on does another like ten minute routine apologising and stuff, saying he’s only a comedian and sometimes people will take his jokes the wrong way, but he believes in free-speech and shit? Awesome. Really riled up a lot of English people too, which is always worthwhile. Hilarious! So he does some jokes about terrorists and then does a riff about Anglo-Saxons or something because this Mitt dude? Doesn’t mind doing kinda edgy material, even if it does insult every single person of colour in the US. I mean – I don’t agree with it, but you’ve got to admire his balls for disparaging your president because of the colour of his skin! Edgy or what?!? Fucking Doug Stanhope would be proud, cos Mitt just takes it to another level, man. Okay. There’s that. But get this! He owns a horse or something and HE MAKES HIS WIFE MAKE THAT HORSE DANCE LIKE A LITTLE GAY HORSE!!! I AM NOT FUCKING KIDDING. She’s like his comedy partner and stuff? But she does more like visual gags. And this gay horse? HILARIOUS. I mean – she spends fucking thousands of dollars dressing the gay horse up and paying folks to teach it to be really camp and stuff? This is like another level of comedy, people. No wonder they hit it off. And the horse? It’s honestly a fucking scream to see it, dancing about in a really gay way. Oh, man. Also? My mother LOVES HIM. Like, he’s the new Billy Connolly or something. She and I were watching him on tv tonight doing his stand-up stuff and she nearly wet herself with laughter. I haven’t seen her laugh at an American comedian like that since 2002 when that Bush guy did the whole routine about Afghanistan and Iraq when the punchline was really about Saudi Arabia? That still makes me laugh to this day. Remember when his writing partner shot that old guy in the face? Oh, man. Funny. As. Fuck. Anyway, enough of him. Let’s talk Mitt. I love him already, so I’m searching for his old stand-up routines on CDs and stuff, and there’s a fair few of them going about. But the best thing? If you search YouTube for Mitt stuff, there’s like loads of it. Fucking millions of stuff there, and this guy’s got like millions of fans, America. No wonder! Honestly – just search YouTube for “mitt romney stand-up” and there’s like tons of videos. I’ve spent the day running through them and I shit you not? This guy is a comedy fucking genius. There is not one video of him doing his stand-up where I’ve not been literally crying with laughter. You will not be disappointed, my friends.
Okay. Enough for now. His worldwide tour has just started and I think it just lasts a week or something. Tomorrow he’s in Israel! ISRAEL!!!! I can’t wait to hear his Jew-jokes or his new material. Guy just thinks on his feet, like the best imrprov guys do. And you can tell he’s intelligent too – I mean, the stuff he comes out with? Incredible. Just off the top of his head! Like – he does this thing where he says the exact opposite of what you should actually say, like – it’s some surreal shit, but you can see a smart fucking brain working behind the scenes to make you laugh. Honestly. You won’t regret it. I think I’ll follow him on Twitter so I can actually start a campaign to get Marc Maron to interview him, because he grew up in Utah I think, and he’s got this old routines about Mormons and stuff? OMG. You will literally and figuratively wet yourself. I’m not kidding!
Oh, man. I haven’t laughed so much in years. Why have you kept him hidden for so long, America? Was it to let him build up a good hour of material? Good hour? Fuck you. This guy has got weeks of hilarious fucking material, and he just launches into them at the drop of a hat. Fuck you, Robin Williams. Move over, Dead Bill Hicks. Sorry, Doug Stanhope. There’s a new comedian on the block, and his name is Mitt Fucking Romney, and I love him.