Wordsmoker

UPDATE: I am now engaged in a Twitter tête-à-tête with Julia Allison. See? I told you she misses us.

Welcome back! This week, the women all go out on dates and achieve varying degrees of failure.

Emily hasn’t had sex in two months, which she calls a dry spell. So when her radio guest, Ray Luv, asks her out on a date, she says yes despite not being the least bit attracted to him. I’ll just make a long story short and say that the date ended at a strip club. Not a burlesque show, but a for real strip club. Better luck next time, Emily.

Amy is meeting with a client named Kelly and tells her that she should not date a younger guy because it is “pretty much a waste of time.” Thanks, Amy. I’ll be sure to pass the memo along to my younger husband. Despite dishing out such sage advice, Amy makes a date to go ice skating with a 28-year-old manchild, Lewis. To prepare, she puts on a jaunty beret and a puffy coat. Amy and Lewis galumphs around the ice rink for a while, and then retreat inside for some hot chocolate. The delicious beverage makes Amy tense up a bit because she is allergic to calories. Her date senses this, and you can tell that when she refuses to split a pot pie with him, he mentally checks out. Sigh. Two down, one to go.

While Julia attempts to free her worldly possessions from their cardboard cages, she receives a call from Keith, the editorial director of a website that is associated with a real live fashion magazine. Because Julia has ten years of journalism experience, he would like her to pitch a few ideas to him over lunch. She refers to it as her “first assignment.” No, Julia. That is not an assignment. It is a pitch. In the future, please consult your New York to Los Angeles translation dictionary before speaking. Julia’s pitch is to write a column about…herself! Surprise! Didn’t see that one coming, did you? So now we’re watching a show about Julia Allison’s dating life while she’s writing a “column” about Julia Allison’s dating life. This is either meta, or redundant.

Julia’s roommate arrives home with her hot personal trainer, and the ladies cajole him into setting Julia up with one of his friends. The lucky unlucky man, Chris, is unrealistically handsome. The four of them go to the beach, where Julia treats the date like an endless quiz show where there are no winners, but even if there were, the prize is a goat.

Later, the group returns to the girls’ apartment where they play spin the bottle, because that is something adults do on dates, apparently. Chris looks around nervously for the exit in a very “this was not part of the deal” kind of way. He even gets up to leave, but someone from the production crew mouths “no kissy, no checky,” so he sits himself back down and tries to think of another plan.

It’s Julia’s turn, and the bottle lands on Chris. Turning his head as far away from Julia as possible while still adhering to the terms of the contract, he offers her his cheek. He even points to it, repeatedly, and writes “KISS HERE” with a big arrow pointing towards his eyeball in permanent ink. Julia is confused. “Am I that repulsive?” she asks. But in true Julia Allison fashion, she only asks the question to hear the sound of her own voice and is not the least bit interested in the answer. Instead of taking the very obvious hint, she tries to force the poor man into kissing her, jumping on him and pulling his face entirely too close to her mouth.

Thankfully, Chris was able to escape with his dignity, and paycheck, intact. Good job, Chris. And Julia…ugh. You know how people always say “just be yourself”? Well, that advice does not apply to you. Try being anyone but yourself next time. You might be pleasantly surprised by the results.

Well it appears that Julia read the recap, but didn’t read the recap. For the record, I made no mention of her multiple emotional outbursts. People cry, it happens. But if the cameras are bothering her so much that it brings her to tears, I have a very simple solution: STOP ASKING CAMERAS TO FOLLOW YOU AROUND!!!