Wordsmoker

If you find yourself going on your honeymoon after five years of marriage without your children and your partner has a penis, this is what you should do:

Get yourself some chocolate. If your hotel room doesn’t have a microwave, bring a hot plate. Melt the chocolate either in the microwave or on the hot plate, as your partner lies naked on your hotel room bed. Leave the bedspread on the bed, you don’t want to dirty up those pretty white sheets. Let the chocolate cool slightly, then spoon that warm, soothing melted chocolate onto your lover’s delicate member, extravagantly gliding the spoon lovingly along his shaft. Just really smother it in chocolate. Get that thing from all fucking sides. Make sure to get the top too. Put an extra big dollop there. Then lick the chocolate off in exciting ways. Fast. Slow. Take your tongue, extend it as far out of your mouth as it will go, and give his penis a long stroke. Then use short flicking motions, like you’re a lizard or some shit, then go back to the long stroke. Suck that big dollop of chocolate off the tip. Suck hard. As hard as you can. Get your hands into the action. Choke it like a chicken. Slap it around some. Play Good Cop/Bad Cop with it. Use your imagination. Hell, act like his dick is corn on the cob. Nom nom nom, bitches, get every kernel, nook and cranny. He’ll love it! He’ll brag about you to all his friends. You’ll make him go crazy and he will love you forever and ever and ever. He’ll beg you to do this to him every night. But don’t. Keep him begging. Never do it again.

It’s important to mention that you should be using high quality chocolate. Don’t cheat yourself. You deserve it. If you are terrible in the kitchen and the whole idea of melting your own chocolate gets you nervous, just buy a jar of Nutella or, golly, even peanut butter will do. Buy organic! And unsalted. You don’t want to sting his sensitive private area which salt can irritate.

If your partner has a vagina – this is something that Cosmo doesn’t seem to cover, but since I’m really skilled in the bedroom and have a very deft imagination, I’m pretty sure I know what to do: What you do is take that melted chocolate – not too hot! Just nice and warm – and cram it into that gaping hole, really fist it in there. Then EAT IT OUT. That’s why it’s called “eating someone out.” But usually what you are eating out of them is the orgasm, but in this case it’s also chocolate. It’s a two-for-one! You’ll have to do some jumping jacks after, don’t want to get a fat ass now, do you?

Tip on the Cosmo article from Lipstick Librarian which you can find here, here and lots of excellent sex advice here.