Wordsmoker

I’ve decided to become an arch capitalist because I’ve been watching Iron Man and I’m totally Tony Stark now, I might do a beard you never know. But I don’t want to make a suit that I can fly about in and grab Paltrow-ass with – I want a suit OF Paltrow-Ass. Yes. That’s right – I’m looking for funds to help create a SEX ROBOT. And I’m not talking about some Japanese shite that looks like a melted Bieber with eyelashes – no, I mean a kick-ass fucking sex robot with tits and all the holes work and everything. And the hair is real, but never gets in your face when you’re snuggling. And she can fuck forever because she’s got a micro-usb charger socket that can also charge your phone.

Fuck, Virus – that sounds great you say. Of course you do. It all makes sense. I can program my sex robot to not take too fucking long in the bathroom and other interminably dull jokes about women. But I can’t program my sex robot to conform to a misogynistic ideal without MONEY. LOTS OF FUCKING MONEY.

This is where you come in. It’s Memorial Day around the world except in Islam of course, so what better way to thank the troops for their gruesome, blood-soaked and pain-wracked deaths than buying some t-shirts that say rude words on them and call people “clefts”. How else are you going to celebrate the freedom they died for without purchasing something that would be banned in Iran? Or North Korea? OR YOUR FUCKING KIDS SCHOOL. YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. THE NEXT STOP FOR TERROR IS AT YOUR KIDS FUCKING SCHOOL. DO YOU WANT YOUR – OUR KIDS – AND THEIR BRAVE MOTHERS AND FATHERS BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS WITH THE FOOTAGE REPEATED EVERY TEN FUCKING MINUTES ON 24 HOUR NEWS CHANNELS? DO YOU?

Of course you don’t. That’s why you should buy a mug.

Pure and simple.

Fuck it. Let’s do it live. Let’s save America.

Let’s save Ourselves. And Our Sex Robots.

God Bless everyone of you, and all who sail inside your eternal, loving soul.

VirusWithShoes