Thank You, Non-Existent God! (Part Deux)
May 10, 2012 in Wordsmoker
You know, Christian God, I’ve been thinking since the last time I thanked you for all those special things waaaaaay back in November 2009. Hey, I’m busy. Supposedly, you can see all this shit I’ve been going through so I’ll just assume you get it. Right? After all, I’m told you’re punishing me because I’m chosen or some other exegetical nugget.
I know. I shoulda said all this the last 2 Thanksgivings or something like that, but I’ve managed to survive your various and sundry smitings. Give me some credit and I’ll give you credit for:
1. Marriage! Wow. That one’s a real doozy, you know? It’s awesome that you gave us this whole concept of hitching up for an entire lifetime. Of course, somehow the whole “binding” thing tends to get all Wayne Brady and choke a bitch. And while it’s choking us, it steals our lunch money, half of our CDs (if we still keep them), some of our furniture, maybe one or all of the pets, our sanity, and maybe our car. Yet, somehow, you also made us all perpetual victims and we crawl right back out of that ditch it dumped us in, going, “WHO IS NEXT? LET’S DO THIS THANG!” So, thanks?
2. Kleenex with lotion. The regular Kleenex just dries my nose out; it’s so awful. Of course, the lotion one stings my eyes from all the crying. And if there wasn’t any sickness or psychic trauma in the world, you know that you created and stuff, we wouldn’t use them. But the lotion part really does help in those moments when I’m so racked with whatever it is I’m suffering from. It’s a good thing, you know. But pretty please, lose the fucking affliction fixation already.
3. The AP Stylebook. Not the content, but the book itself. Whenever someone wants to argue with me about some things at my job, I just hold it up and go: It’s not me! It’s them! You don’t like it, write them! And then I go right back to making my own decisions about our style guide. So, you know, I don’t actually have to agree with the content of the book, but just hold up the text itself. Of course, if you’d done a better job with this whole language thing in the brain–especially English–I might not need to use a style guide. Of course, then I wouldn’t have a job. Yeah. But then there’s the whole fact that I need a job. Oh, it’s so circular and confounding. Anyway, I guess I’m grateful for it given the circumstances.
4. Money. Love that shit, man. You can buy things like clothes and then use those things to do things like create personal identities and play with aesthetics and be judged about the way we look or make choices that implicate us in our own victimization. That’s also awesome. You know, and then it’s like OMG look at this awesome make-up on my face and it’s all better. And I can also buy things like cars and accessories I don’t need and spend the fuck out of that money every time I have a bipolar episode and then have to dig myself out of my faltering sanity and then I’m in the hole. So, thanks for creating the barter-to-borrow societal changes that created that whole system.
6. Psychiatrists that we wouldn’t need if there weren’t any mental conditions.
7. Coworkers. You know, my team members do the whole Samwise “share the load” thing and do their part and I do my part and they watch my lunch break times for me and tell my boss if I’m over by 15 minutes and then are so kind to follow me on Twitter and comment and stuff and then also tell my boss about my “overactivity.” It’s nice to have someone else who’s not my boss helping me along in being a model employee.
8. Mothers. Oh, man, mothers. My mom wanted me and pushed me out of her and bore the pain and lack of sleep and whatnot it took to raise me. Loved that woman. So, thanks for all the arguments we had and then taking her away before we could resolve all of our issues. But I am truly grateful for extending her life long enough for mutual forgiveness and reconnection. I mean that.
9. Boyfriends that watch over you while you sleep, tip-toeing around your insomnia and sacrificing their own sleep because they know it will set you off into hysterics if you go 4 days without sleep. And who make sure you recognize when you’re not treating yourself well by forgetting to eat and whatnot when you’re not in your right mind.