Wordsmoker

Hello! I’m PimpMyCouch, and I represent the Canadian Content portion of Wordsmoker. Tonight, I’m “live” blogging the Stanley Cup Playoffs, specifically Game 3 of the Vancouver Canucks-Los Angeles Kings series. Some of you may be intrigued, some indifferent, some confused because you thought hockey was limited to the 49th parallel and above, and why the hell does Los Angeles have a hockey team? (Note: They actually have two.) I will be “live” blogging the game, as I am a bit of a moron computer-wise and don’t really know how to live blog, so I’m just going to blog about it in real time. Don’t judge me!

I will break this up over the three periods of play and any subsequent overtime periods. To date, the Kings lead the series 2-0. Full disclosure: I am a Canucks fan. Go ahead, get your jokes in now.

PERIOD THE FIRST

I love how anyone singing “The Star Spangled Banner” stretches it out for ten minutes. It’s adorable. I also love how they try to do it with “O Canada”. It wasn’t really meant for melisma or fanciness, but they try!

Power Play for the Canucks! I’ll let Denis explain what a Power Play is. Dustin Brown is in the box for elbowing, which was a pretty weak call actually. Also, in the last game, the Kings scored shorthanded twice so it’s not like this is an advantage for us.

Good passing, but get it to the net. Shoot! Shoot! ARGGGH. Almost had a good chance. Kings clear the zone, jerks that they are.

Big hit on Burrows! Keep it in…poop. Good shot by Bieksa blocked in front. BIG rebound in front that we missed. Come ON! FUCK! I hate how the Canucks seem to forget how to score goals in the playoffs. You’ve been doing it all year, it’s not like they’ve changed the method or anything, guys. Puck —> Net.

Good start for the boys! They’re moving the puck a lot better than last game, where they seemed utterly befuddled as to what to do with this rubber disc. “Do I…advance it? Push it? I’m so confused!”

David Beckham is in the crowd! Oooo! He’s all decked out in a Kings hat. It matches his tattoos!

The CBC is making a big hullabaloo about the changeover between the basketball game earlier in the afternoon and the Kings game. “Think of the ice!”

The organist is playing “Right Now” by Van Halen. It’s fabulous.

OHHHH! FUCK! The Canucks took a shot and it hit the post. It’s so frustrating when you can see where the puck is and you shout like an idiot at the screen. “IT’S RIGHT THERE!!!!” Of course, they can’t hear you but it’s cathartic.

Fuck! Kings to the power play. Lapierre, if you punch a guy in the face unprovoked, generally they will send you to the penalty box.

Okay boys, let’s kill this off! Nice work. Kings are passing well. I think a lot of people, Canucks included, underestimated the Kings going into this series. They do have several good goal scorers and a seemingly unbeatable goalie, yet everyone thinks they’re this piddly little team. We found out otherwise in a hurry.

Penalty killed! Go boys! You can move it up ice anytime. Anytime now. MOVE IT UP ICE, BASTARDS!

Phew! So far, at 5:56 remaining in the period, it’s been fast and intense. No dustups to speak of, but the refs are calling this one tightly, no doubt due to the Hell in a Cell match that was the Pens-Flyers game earlier this afternoon.

Ugh. Okay. This Gillette commercial with Adrien Brody creeps me out. If someone asked me who I thought was a Master of Style, Adrien Brody would not be in my top three. Or my top 100. Ugh. UGH!

There is a lady sitting behind the Kings bench wearing a black top adorned with what appears to be a silver bedazzled Stanley Cup. HA. Ha ha ha. Oh, my mistake, it is just a silver sequined top.

Now the organist is playing “Cum On Feel the Noize”. I love him. I want him to follow me around and play classic rock on the organ.

Shit shit shit! WHAT A SAVE SCHNEIDER! 3 on 1 and he makes the great stop! Nice pass Raymond! Schneider’s save was right off the mask. Thanks mask! OH Shit, Booth made a bad giveaway. Damn, these Kings are just so strong in their own zone! There is no room to move. No wonder we can’t score, we can’t get anywhere near the net. Offside, chump!

SHIT! Pahlsson to the box to feel shame. He saved a goal but interfered with the player at the same time. Balls balls balls. Don’t be heroes, boys! Just keep it out of your zone!

JESUS CHRIST SCHNEIDER STAY IN YOUR NET. THAT IS YOUR HOME. STAY IN YOUR HOME.MAYBE HANG UP A CHERYL TIEGS POSTER OR SOMETHING.

Good work Higgins! Not this Higgins. That Higgins.

Get it out out out out out out out!  Yesss! Good kill boys! More of that sort of thing!

Icing! Icing is one of those hockey things that is always difficult to explain. It involves passing the puck over two lines without any of your players touching it, or something? Every time I think I know what icing is they change what it is.

OHHHH SHIT!!! Two GREAT chances by the Canucks at the end of the period. I yelled a bit too loud for my husband’s liking.

INTERMISSION! Grab a snack, a beverage, use the facilities, etc. The CBC Hockey Panel is paneling! They’re talking about the length of intermission and what the coaches tell their players. Sometimes players like to get undressed partway. DO TELL, KELLY HRUDEY! P.J. Stock is talking about how Schneider’s routine got messed up because he had to stand at the blue line during the anthem instead of his net, because of the flag unravelling. I’m sorry, I can’t take a grown man who still calls himself “P.J.” seriously.

I have opened a Whistler Black Tusk Ale. It’s refreshing! If you have a beverage handy, join me! If you don’t enjoy/understand hockey, alcohol will help. It’s like baseball that way!

PERIOD THE SECOND

New ice, new chance! LET’S DO THIS! Shots were 5-2 Canucks in the first. For hockey neophytes, that is not particularly high, meaning this is very much a high checking game.

I don’t like to wish ill on anyone, but I really want Jonathan Quick to get a terrible case of the runs or something for the rest of the series. Maybe a tapeworm. Nothing deadly or career-ending. Just the runs.

Woo hoo! Canucks to the power play. Oh, you know what you did, Dustin Penner, don’t front. Oh, actually, that was kind of a weak call. My apologies, Penner. Aw, son of a bitch, Edler! Penalty to him for interference and the power play’s over. Refs are seriously calling every little thing and it is annoying.

Some wiseass has a sign: “Los Angeles Kings: Canada’s team”. Fuck you, wiseass. So much is made of the fact that not all of Canada was behind Vancouver last year during the finals, and it’s carried over, and prompted simps to make ridiculous signs like that one. I can tell you, if Canada were held at gunpoint and told to choose between the Kings and the Canucks, they’d apologize for whatever it was that got them held at gunpoint, and then pick the Canucks.

OH FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Henrik Sedin is doubled over the bench. He was just slammed by Brown. Now Burrows is fighting Kopitar. Henrik is going to the dressing room. OH COME ON. Brown ran into him, forearm up, away from the puck. It was a late hit, Sedin wasn’t expecting it. Sedin hit his head on the ice too. FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC. And LA doesn’t get a penalty for it. UTTER BULLSHIT, REFS. UTTER BULLSHIT. Now more than ever, the Canucks need to keep their cool. Make them pay on the scoresheet!

JESUS this is tense. The Kings are basically on a power play for four minutes, because Bieksa and Edler are in the box. That’s it boys! Clear it out! Keep it simple!

OH phew, Sedin’s back on the bench. Though this doesn’t mean much, it could be temporary. On the replay, they couldn’t get the door open for Sedin because Lapierre was sitting on it. Jeez, Lapierre, way to help your captain.

Now we get ANOTHER penalty. Fuck, might as well put a mini-fridge and a portable TV in there so they can watch “Game of Thrones”, for Christ’s sakes.

Sedin’s bobbing his head to Marilyn Manson. He’s all right.

NICE HIP CHECK BIEKSA! GO KESLER! Cross-check on Willie Mitchell! He’s saying to the ref “That’s a dive”. Regardless, Willie, that doesn’t negate your cross-check. Go feel shame! Maybe get a snack from Pahlsson!

This game is getting chippy. Canucks can’t let the game get away from them, not two games down in the series. This is how they lose their cool and lose games. Frank the Tank knows what I’m talking about.

Jesus Christ Schneider! Rebounds! Take care of them! Good play during the Canucks brief power play. Keeping it in their end!

Oh man, Kobe Bryant is at the game too, with his daughter. They showed him signing an autograph for a fan. Kobe Bryant: Man of the People.

Damn it, now Lapierre’s in the box. Hopefully there’s some snacks and Gatorade left in the mini fridge.

Organist is now playing “Separate Ways Worlds Apart” by Journey. I sincerely love this man/woman.

Nice block, Hamhuis! He dove in front of a shot to block it from the net. THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE. FUCK! Hansen and Lapierre had a GREAT 2-on-1 after the power play, but Hansen put it high. Dammit, puck, bounce our way!

Could it be? Could it? YES! Canucks power play! Brown smooshed Burrows and now he goes off for two. HA! SERVES YOU RIGHT, JERK!

Come on boyssss….OHH! COME ON! IT’S RIGHT THERE! REBOUNDS!!!! ICING! Oh man. I think I had about two mild heart attacks during that power play. Henrik Sedin was out on the ice for the full two minutes. The Kings called their time out, because if you ice the puck, that line has to stay out for the next faceoff, and that particular line had already been out for the power play. This allows them to take a break without changing lines. THE MORE YOU KNOW!

Nice work standing them up at the blue line, boys. OH REBOUND! Icing! This faceoff is key…Dammit, Kings come up with it. They are so fast moving the puck up ice. Another thing that went unnoticed by all, I suppose. SKATE! SKATE YOU BASTARD! Booth had a good chance at the other end. I shouldn’t call him a bastard as he’s a really nice guy, by all accounts.

OH! GARGH! So many good chances by the Canucks. You can see what they’re trying to do but it’s just not connecting. They’re going with set plays and that type of play doesn’t work in the playoffs. It’s gritty! Mean! Tough!

INTERMISSION PART DEUX!  More scintillating talk from the panel lies ahead, no doubt. Hopefully they restock the mini fridge in the Canucks’ penalty box. Kevin Bieksa is talking to Scott Oake. He is oddly attractive. He has this look on his face when he’s playing that’s just so...rawr. To each their own, as they say. My husband is yelling at P.J. Stock’s opinions about the team not standing up for the Sedins when they got injured. Apparently Stock feels the team should have shivved Brown for his hit on Sedin. Again, this is a grown man calling himself P.J., so…

Laviolette is talking about “playoff hockey”. Some of these games have been awfully punchy, and I personally don’t like it. Call the game fairly, don’t let players get away with murder just because it’s “playoff hockey”. It’s still hockey. The penalties didn’t go away just because it’s April. Don’t handcuff the players and call every single thing, but don’t ignore the hits and punches away from the play either.

PERIOD THE THIRD

Scott Oake is talking to Will Ferrell! He is a fairly big hockey fan, following the Kings. He is raving about playoff hockey and hockey players’ athleticism. He and Don Cherry went on road trips together to Yellowknife. Holy Christ someone needs to make that a movie, NOW. Ron McLean just told Scott Oake he was kind of a big deal too. Oh, Ron. You try so much.

Good chances so far on both ends. Now, it may seem as if I’ve peppered this post with sexual innuendo, but I assure you, “putting it in deep”, “keeping it in their end”, and “double teamed him on the boards” are all legitimate hockey terms.

OHHHH! NOOOOO! Boy, we made a bad giveaway in our zone and Schneider had to make a quick save. Holy god that was stressful. SKATE! SKATE! Kings are starting with great energy and Canucks are still finding their legs. They need to pour it on if they stand a chance. COME ON! ARGH! God, it’s like all of a sudden there’s like ten Kings in front of Quick. And he’s actually giving up rebounds this time and there is never. anyone. at. the. net to get them.

What the? Players are losing skate edges all over the place. Kings fans are loud. Louder than I’d expect, actually.

NOOOOOOO!!!!!! Kings scored, those ASSHOLES. Schneider couldn’t control the rebound and Brown was there to pick it up. He had an entire net to shoot at. This is why Canucks need people in front of the Kings net to do the same. COME ON BOYS!!!

Sigh. Despondency is setting in. And there’s still more than half a period to go. Not that the Canucks can’t tie it, it just takes the wind out of one’s sails. Icing the puck is not the way to get back in the game, guys! Just a tip! GAH! Great chance for Booth at the front of the net. Big hits all around! SHOOT IT! God, they’re everywhere! Seriously, they just show up out of nowhere! Are they shapeshifters?!

FUCK another Kings power play. Balls balls balls. Utter, utter balls.

The ice is so bad here. The puck is bouncing all over the place, it’s all wobbly. This doesn’t excuse the Canucks’ play but it’s a factor for both teams. They’re doing a good job so far on the penalty kill though. WOW! A couple of players from both teams bowled over Quick in the net. We’re lucky we didn’t get called on that one. Good play in the Kings end, but they’re not taking it to the net enough. It’s all peripheral. Get in front and take it to the net. Quick can’t save what he can’t see. COACH PIMP HAS SPOKEN.

GREAT SAVE SCHNEIDER! Dear God, guys, this isn’t a regular season game! it’s Game 3! Play like you want it! The organist is now playing “The Final Countdown”. I now want him/her to die in a fire. Oh my God, Go Get the Puck, guys! it is literally right there! Just go get it!

Two minutes left. Oh man, I am not pleased. Eventually they will pull Schneider. OH COME ON. Delay of Game penalty to Edler. The stupidest motherfucking penalty in the entire NHL rulebook. Players used to put the puck over the glass to get out of a jam and it stopped play too much so they made it a penalty. Now players get a penalty if they get a bad bounce off the boards. It’s ridiculous.

1:09 left in the game. ARRRRGH. If you don’t mind I’m going to hide under this blanket.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Balls. Oh man, 21 seconds left. Jim Hughson just pointed out that the Kings have never had a 3-0 lead in a series. Jinx? Please?

Last faceoff. Pleeeeeease…..FUUUUUUUUCK. I cannot believe the President’s Trophy winners and last year’s Stanley Cup finalists are on the brink. Actually, I can. They eked their way into the President’s Trophy and they’re not playing as well as they could. They’re missing Daniel Sedin. They’re not taking the pucks to the net enough. And they shouldn’t have traded Hodgson, because he was the third line scoring threat they needed. Blerrrrrrg. Why don’t they call me about these things?

Anyway, that’s it for the game, and the night! If you read all the way through this, thank you. If you didn’t, well, maybe you’re a Leafs fan. I’m going to go tip over my trash can and shake my fists at the heavens! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!