The Officer’s Monologue – These Chairs Have Legs
“The Officer’s Monologue” is one male police officer’s continuous narrative on fashion, interior design, decor, dining, and all things esthetic. All remarks are approximate quotes of actual statements made to the author—usually over sandwiches and cookies. Any resemblance between the principal character to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
I’ve told you about my plan to turn my place into the ultimate James Bond fuck pad, right? Yeah, so the other day I have a little time on my hands, and I hit the road in “Hepburn” for a little furniture action. [Note: The speaker has a penchant for assigning the monikers of deceased thespians to moderately expensive European luxury cars—consequently destroying any prestige acquired by driving these vehicles.] I start out at the Design Center of the Americas—you know, just to get ideas—but end up at Scan Design. Well, let me tell you, they have some AWESOME stuff there. So, I talk to the sales woman, Delores, about this dining room table that was on sale. I mean even with the sales price it’s not cheap, but if I can save a little money . . . Anyway, I tell her that I’m not quite ready to buy yet, but I want to know if they would hold the sales price for me, so she sets me straight on something.
First of all, I don’t know if you know anything about Scandinavian companies, but they really do everything by the book. What I mean is that if they say that a sale ends on a certain day, you can bet your ass that there’s no playing around: the sale ends that day. I mean it sucks for the buyer, but apparently that’s their culture and I kind of respect it. We could probably do with a little more seriousness over here in this country.
My problem is that I just can’t commit to buying the table right now, but I still want to look at some chairs to go with it for when I’m ready. “Well, why don’t you show me some chairs, anyway?” I say. I was getting ready for an argument because I didn’t think she’d want to show me chairs if I wasn’t going to buy anything, but Scan Design is a service-oriented company—probably the culture again. So I find some that I like with dark leather and a reddish wood that I think will pop against my Brittos—I told you I have some Romero Brittos hanging in my house, right? So I ask her to bottom line it. She calcs it all up and looks at me. “Rick,” she says, “You’re looking at like four grand here.”
It’s a lot, but I don’t mind paying for quality. I mean, I really want to buy right now, but instead I just leave. I’m not going to be rushed. Well, I’m walking out to my car and I notice some workers on the loading dock, and I think, “You know, if you want to find out the real deal on things, you don’t talk to the sales people who are on commission; you talk to the fuckers who handle the shit all day long for next to nothing.” If you think about it, it makes sense, right?
So, I hop up on the loading dock and shake everyone’s hands and tell them who I am. I explain to them that I’m interested in the table and I have concerns about the furniture getting scratched up. So the one black guy—he’s pretty cool—he tells me that the table I’m looking at is really easy to care for. Yeah, apparently you just brush it with steel wool and rub a little wood oil into it and it preserves it. So, I’m like “fucking sweet,” but then I wanted to know about the chairs. I whip out my phone and I show the one guy whose talking to me the picture I took of the chair, and it gets really weird out there for a minute. These dudes all kind of look at each other and shake their heads, but no one is saying anything. Now, I’m getting nervous. I say, “What!?” And the black guy says, “We HATE those chairs.”
Now, I don’t know what to do because I really like these chairs and this is really fucking up my plan. Then the guy tells, me, “Rick, we hate them because they’re so heavy. We hate lifting them, but they’ll probably last you long time and work really well for you.” So, I’m like “fuck yeah.” [The speaker forms his signature half thumbs-up gesture]. I’m completely relieved. We all have a good laugh about the whole thing.
I’m going to get them: the chairs, the table, everything. Seriously, though, you have to go to the regular people if you want to get the scoop. The sales people don’t know shit.
Read Other Officer’s Monologue Entries here: