American Horror Story: Never Not Give The Antichrist a Cookie
January 6, 2012 in television
SMOLDERING CHILDREN
1994
Ladies and gentlemen: The Ham. What crazy family concoction is this? The guy who burned his family up and Constance and Addie and Tate all at the dining table together? There’s a dead brother too? No! Tate’s snorting broken pills and is doing his gonna-kill-all-you-
“I know you were raped!” O, Ben, what you know could fill a thimble. But just barely. Vivien says she ain’t going back to that House of Evil. But we all know she is.
Cops come to visit Constance and show her crime scene photos of Travis the hot young boyfriend with his joker-slashed mouth.
Cops get lots of action in LA. Another one shows up at Ben’s door. O, no, it’s just a truant officer. LA is the bad seed of America. Flies are going crazy over some apples in Ben’s office which is like this. Violet has missed sixteen days of school.
It’s like warm chopped up intestines being poured into a bowl. Larry eats strange things. He’s the guy who Tate burned up. He wants to run some lines with you. Constance knocks at his apartment door. Butcher knife to Larry’s throat, then his balls (which probably look a lot like the side of his burned up face), only to find that Travis is dead and waiting in the Murder House for her. Off she goes! She’s going to get some hard dead cock tonight! Why didn’t anyone tell her!?!?!
More old lady racism! First, Constance insulted coloreds and now Koreans, and the butcher knife falls out of her purse. Oops.
Flies! Crawl spaces. Dead bodies? Exterminator: I can’t tell you how much this is going to cost you until I know how much it is going to cost me.
Don’t interrupt Constance’s grieving process! Well, hold on, now, let us count the deaths that surround you. 1) Bo the Chained up Hottie! 2) Tate 3) Addie. Now the missing: 1) Husband 2) Maid. Are they in that crawl space with the flies? Nope. That backyard sure gets lots of action. O! She fed her husband to hungry dogs.
Down into the bowels of the house goes Phil the Exterminator. He finds something frightening and Tate pumps him full of his own poison. So this job cost him his life. Expensive!
Behind the brick wall someone is chocking on his own life. Flies escape from the darkness and Larry bats them away. Travis is all: What are you doing with my stuff? He wants to know how famous he is out there in the “real” world. Travis should totally Google himself. You’d think the dead would be even heavier internet users than the living are. I mean, they don’t have to work or eat. You’d think they’d be bored shitless. I mean, fuck it, there should be apps for this. iTunes for the dead. I bet it’d be easier to work the apps than it is to read that fucking stereo instruction book.
In his dead life, Travis spends his time playing tea with Larry’s charred daughters.
Dear Show Writers, Ben needs to take more hot steamy showers. He’s a very dirty person. Tate attacks! Can the living overpower the dead? I don’t really see how. But now Ben knows that Tate is the rapist. Yay!?
Constance is going to be charged with Travis’s murder!
Tate loves Violet and wants her to take a bunch of pills and live happily ever after in the Evil Abortionist House of Greed. Where they can play games and watch videos for eternity! Violet tries to escape but she is stuck in the MC Esher House of Hell. Tate wants to show something to Violet. It’s like a present from Satan. I am so on my fucking toes here. What’s it going to be? He has to use a flashlight in the darkness? Dude should be able to pull down his pants and light the place up that way. Give the dead man some real powers.
O! Was that ever a good gift! Violet’s going to be homeschooled from now on!
The dead play gin rummy to pass the time just like us!
Filthy public phones in jailhouses are so gross. Larry just wants to be loved but Constance, the searingly honest person that she is, cannot tell a lie. No love for you, Larry. Burn in Hell.
BIRTH
1984
What child goes down into a dark basement like that? No fucking kid I know does that. Now that Tate loves Violet and they are dead together forever, he can’t give the Abortionist’s Wife the baby in Vivien’s uterus. But the Abortionist’s Wife doesn’t care. She doesn’t need to be given anything. She will take what she wants ‘cause she’s a whore like that.
So . . . Violet can be in the Jeep with her dad and in the house with Tate at the same time? Please to explain the logic of the dead to me in this story.
We are in the baby’s room with Martha Stewart Spock Chad and The Cowboy, decorating the baby’s room. Everything red! OMG, Constance is quoting scripture. Abominations! Hahaha, Chad’s going to change his mind about adorable one year olds once he has two running around the house night and day. He’s going to be, Okay, when they are five, we kill them, and then he’s going to be, Okay, when they’re eight, and then he’s going to beDon’t ever fucking kill these kids anywhere near this house!
Billy Dean the medium returns. She can feel all the pain of the murder house with her sharp red fingernails. So the evil of the house has a paramagnetic grip. Pure physics, people, take notes. Evil events release psychic energy and can be absorbed. Okay, okay, I’ll take the notes for us. The house is storing this energy the way a battery stores energy. O MY GOD! Hahaha Constance is all: Blah blah blah How do we get rid of the gays? This really is an apt American Horror Story! This show is about our current socio-political climate. Burn the notes!
Okay, so how did Violet slip out of the car without Ben freaking out? I mean, he’s like totally whatever about her being gone. Stupid. You see, there’s no time for that, silly. The show only has a 42 minute allotment.
Vivien needs an immediate emergency c-section! She’s only six months pregnant. One baby is growing so fast that he could jump out Vivien’s vagina right now and cook you breakfast. Thank god, ‘cause I want some French toast.
Spirits do not follow our physical laws and yet they are so fucking boring. Why do they “live” just as we do? IS THIS REALLY ALL THERE IS? PLAYING GIN RUMMY ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOOR? Dead or alive?
Banishing Spirits: Step One: Collect all their personal belongings. Step Two: Burn them. Step Three: Saycroatoan.
The dead beat upon the dead and a ring is stolen.
The return of Vivien. If she steps one freaking foot out of that car I will goddamn scream and never watch this stupid show again. She’s going into labor? Of course she is. Violet confesses her death to her father and tells him how the house holds onto its dead. Ben’s all: blank face. Vivien honks the car horn and steps out of the vehicle. Sorry, show’s over folks. I can’t watch this crap anymore.
Kidding! I can watch this crap all day. I love it. More crap, please! Constance comes running. The phones don’t work. The red haired twins take down the motherfucking Jeep. Hahaha, You think you can take a ring and a watch and say a special word and BLAMMO you win? I don’t think so. The lights go out. When is Ben going to get that he is dealing with EVIL and DEAD people? I hope it’s soon. O! The Abortionist is going to deliver the babies! The dead nurses are going to assist! The firstborn is “stillborn” and handed off to the Abortionist’s Wife.
Violet is caught tossing Chad’s $12,000 watch into the fire and it turns out that croatoan is just a word like any other: it only has magic on the living. Chad says: Your dead boyfriend raped your mommy and is fathering one of your little brothers. Vivien pushes out the living baby which is Tate’s baby, right? But she’s bleeding so much that it looks like the Abortionist is pulling red taffy. Constance whisks the baby away and Moira comes to look him over and Hayden says, “Dear sweet sisters in eternal torment, please hand over that cute little evil baby.”
O my God!
Tate! Why are you such a horrible human being? Go away, Tate. Be gone!
Mother and daughter being together makes me very happy. Yay! Three cheers for American Horror!
AFTERBIRTH
Nine Months Ago
“It’s just a house, Viv!” Famous last words.
Lesson number one: Don’t make life choices based on your gut. The best choices are made based on your genitalia. If you cut them off and store them in the freezer.
Giving up the baby is difficult for Constance. She says: Don’t take the baby back to the evil house and Ben says: I’ve been treating your dead son all this time! Golly! I’m do diddly mad! And then he takes the baby back to the house where all the dead people are.
So the plan is to let Ben leave the House of Hell and take the baby away and be free while Vivien and Violet stay dead-living in the Hell House.
THAT’S A CUTE EVIL DEVIL BABY! Also, that baby’s, what? A month old? Three? O, that’s right, he’s the Antichrist, so he’d be able to hold his head up like that after a few days of life.
Smoking, drinking, gun play.
You know, Constance didn’t put up that much of a fight looking at how things are turning out right now with the rope and Hayden with her two helpers and Ben hanging from the chandelier.
Why does the little doggy look like a gremlin that ate after midnight?
HOUSE FOR SALE! BEAUTIFUL AND CHEAP. SOLD! Why doesn’t this real estate lady burn this bitch of a house down? I don’t understand that.
The baby is missing. The baby is found. They are switching babies on us too! This one hiding in the closet is much younger than the one Ben was holding.
Hahaha, Violet’s flirting with the new living, breathing, skateboarding teenager and Tate’s going to go postal.
So now we have the good dead of the house and the bad dead of the house in battle over the souls of the new owners. It’s the super crazy fun house of the dead. Tate’s going to kill his teen rival in order to bring Violet a permanent, non-psychotic boyfriend. Ben’s going to rape the new wife of the house in order to teach her a lesson. Moira’s going to guide the new husband of the house into the depths of its hells. The new owners are going to run like bats out of it. Been there, done that.
Tate wants to be buddies with Ben now that they are BFDF (best friends dead forever) and Ben’s all: You’re a fucking crazy assed bastard. Up yours! Vivien plays the cello and hears a baby crying. My goodness. It’s Vivien’s first born dead baby! The Abortionists Wife is still a ripe bitch and is all: Get this baby to shut up! Don’t touch him! But Vivien, being married to a psychiatrist, knows some tricky psychology and The Abortionists Wife is easy putty in Vivien’s deft hands. Now this baby here is a new baby! Look at that cute dead new baby!
THREE YEARS LATER
Constance needs her hair done. She’s been raising MICHEAL all this time. It is true that if anybody needs a remarkable mother, it’s the Antichrist. Also, don’t leave the Antichrist alone with the babysitter while you go get your hair done for the very first time since he’s been born. ‘Cause he might want a cookie. And if you don’t give the Antichrist a cookie when he wants one, he will want to cut your throat, and if he cuts your throat, he will drag your dead bleeding body into his bedroom where he will then eat his so motherfucking delicious cookie in his bed, getting his sheets all crumbly, and you will have to clean it all up—the blood, the body, the cookie crumbs—all by your lonesome. That’s just how Antichrists are. Live and learn. It’s a good thing that you’re a remarkable mother. You can handle this. You totally can.
The End
