Micro-Fiction Roundup XLVIII: Paging Dr. Embarrassment to Emergency
December 31, 2011 in Micro-Fiction Roundup
(Wow, not only a winner, but you wrote the whole MFR? Careful, a gal could get used to this kind of treatment -Ed.)
Sorry for the delay in getting back results. I was squeezing in a quick set of 10 on the hack squat. After that some serious bicep curls, some flies, and a little time on the Pec Deck.
But before I get in to the results, a quick story about “abs.” This old guy I was treating for back pain (nothing serious–not like the guy who felt his pain with every beat of his heart. Yikes! That was a scary one). This was just simple, mechanical lower back pain. Anyhoo, he’s a guy about 70 years old. During the evaluation process he wanted to show me how hard he’d been working his abs,working his “one pack.”
One pack, you might ask. Well. See, this guy had done so many crunches on a structurally deficient set of abs that he’d actually torn his abdominal muscles and his guts would now protrude through his abs with exertion. Needless to say, I advised him to discontinue his crunches and possibly see a surgeon about repairing that ginormous hernia of his.
On with the show!
A quick recap of the Submissions:
Chillbear Latrigue: Palmy Acres Retirement Community Pool Activity Schedule
Josie Groper: Untitled
Perverseus: Deep burn
MilitantRubberDucky: Downward Dog
Let’s get things started with the second runner-up:
I’m scared as I walk into the gym for the first time.
I have my new sneakers on, sweat pants straining across my thighs and a large t-shirt to hide the rolls that hang over the waistband.
I shuffle on the treadmill breathing heavy, trying to complete the 20 minute workout without collapsing.
I feel the stares, I hear the giggles, and one man even mooed. I don’t belong here.
I hurry off and leave the gym feeling hurt and sad. I stop at 7-11 for a big bag of M&M’s and begin to feel better.
I love this because it captures the reality that most of us face. We have body image issues and walking into the gym for the first time intimidates even the most confident of individuals. Plus a bag of M&Ms always makes you feel better-especially the kind with peanuts.
Let’s hit the circuit next-we’ll destroy some burpees, maybe some atomic push-ups punctuated by a quick 21-15-9 of handstand pushups.
First runner up:
You need to relax, they said. You should take up yoga, they said. So, against my better judgment, I signed my ass up for the nine AM beginner yoga class, and here I am attempting to contort my body into positions clearly thought up by a sadist while my instructor, Star or Apple or whatever fucking hippie name she has, coos over the gifted students. Of course they can bend that way; they’re ninety pounds and their thighs don’t touch! All I know is, the next bitch who tells me to just “breathe and lean into the stretch,” is getting shanked.
This submission had it all: hippie names, yoga, thoughts of sadism and the threat of getting shanked. Awesome. Plus, she got as close as possible to the 101 word limit. Points for that, MRD.
Alright folks, let’s finish up those Good Mornings, the Russian deadlifts and the Zercher squats.
This round up winner is:
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, that’s what they say. I could not disagree more. Skinny hurts. Skinny requires a regimen of cardiovascular activity. The stationary bike makes my knees hurt, the elliptical makes me nauseous, and the treadmill is so loud that it gives me a headache. Skinny also demands discipline, which is inherently designed to restrict behaviors that are deemed “bad.” Like waxing a half-dozen Krispy Kremes with a glass of whole milk. You think it’s bad, but I promise you it is so good. Skinny can suck it.
Whole milk and Krispy Kremes: mmmm. My pancreas flinches at the mere mention. Perve’s other submission involved a lat machine near a treadmill and a very strong right wrist. I don’t want to spoil it for you, get on over there and read it you lazy ass.
Yay for Perverseus!
Next topic: Awkward Moments in Healthcare. As many of you know, I’m in the healthcare industry and have more awkward moments in my reality than any good fiction writer could dream up. So it’s kind of a challenge to you writerly folks.
Your entry must be 101 words or less; if you choose to title your piece, the title will not count against your word count. There is no limit on the amount of entries you can submit.
You will have two weeks to submit an entry; the deadline will be Tuesday nights at midnight. This will give the judge 48 hours to submit his or her selection to me by Thursday night at midnight. (That’s the midnight that leads into Friday, not the midnight that leads Wednesday to Thursday. You’d think some [read: me] would know this. You’d be wrong though.) The deadlines were originally Wednesday and Friday, respectively, but I goofed and now it’s fixed to give the judges and me (mostly me) time to get up the new topic.
If I don’t receive the judge’s selection by one of the established methods (e-mail, Wordsmoker messaging or Facebook private messaging) I will be forced to make the selection so as not to delay the next week’s competition.
The winner of Micro-Fiction Roundup automatically assumes the responsibility of judging the next week’s competition. Obviously that person can still submit writing, but can’t pick themselves as the winner. Otherwise we could end up with some sort of ridiculous perpetual judge situation.
In the interest of keeping tradition, I will try to select themes based upon the previous week’s submissions when possible.
REMINDER: You are allowed and encouraged to submit multiple entries.
There you have it, boys and girls, now bust out those awkward moments in healthcare. Only you will know if the story is truth or fiction.