American Horror Story: Spooky Little Girl
December 8, 2011 in television
Pretty Los Angeles in 1947. A wide street and tall palm trees. Sunshine. The Murder House is now a dentist office. We have a lovely lady with long raven hair coming to visit the dentist. Femme Fatale? We learn quickly that the Dentist is not married. This lovely lady found out about this guy because her friend said that he did a good job FILLING her CAVITY. He makes special arrangements for girls with no money. I think it’s called Doggy Style these days. This girl does not care about her teeth at all, she just wants to get him hot for her. Maybe she’s here to have him remove her front teeth or something? That is how you really break into HOLLYWOOD, my dears. TAKE NOTE: she has a White Dahlia in her Black Hair. She gets the nitrous oxide and everything disappears.
That’s just a little too easy, don’t you think? If the writers wanted to make a Black Dahlia story, why not just have the flower in her hair and shut the fuck up and then people could go, O! Black Dahlia! When the body's found. But spoon feeding the entire thing is just boring. It’s like a treasure hunt in which the clues are: Go to the kitchen and look in the cabinet to the right of the sink. Sitting on the shelf is a note which says: Go to the entryway closet. You go to the closet and there’s the treasure!
The hot maid has returned. She wants the Mr. to help her make the bed. O noes! He’s got to control himself! He looks scared, like he’s gonna cry or something. That is a short fucking maid’s outfit, I got to say. He tells her he just wants to jack off about this later in the privacy of his bathroom and to just go make his daughter that goddamn sandwich already.
Constance! She’s painting and drinking when her hot young thing walks in. She’s a nasty drunk. Surprise! The Hot Young Thing leaves to get cigarettes and Hayden’s hanging out on the street and says, “You fuck old ladies! LOL.” And he’s all, “You should have seen her in Tootsie in that scene in the kitchen; she’s wearing those sweatpants? Whiskey wow wow.” THEY HAVE THE SEX. Hayden says she can’t get pregnant—but if a ghost can fill Vivien’s cavity, then certainly Hayden’s ghost cavity can be filled by the living, no? This is going to be just like this. O! It is going to be just like that since Hayden never had the abortion and is currently what is referred to in certain circles as Dead Baby Preggers.
So there’s a sister. And she wants to know where Hayden is. A detective and the sister and Ben are all in the kitchen being difficult with each other when Hayden walks in all cool as a dead cucumber and is like “What’s up, bitches!” Which is really fun. Ben goes to his office and the Black Dahlia girl shows up and wants help and he’s all, “Make an appointment,” and she’s all, “I do all sorts of crazy sexy stuff to men,” and he’s all, “Tell me more.” The dead are so goddamn horny. The dead are exactly the same as the living which makes being dead sort of stupid since it’s pointless since it has no limitations whatsoever except that it’s also fun because they’re dead!
The twins have different fathers!!! Ben’s like, “But how can my semen do such a crazy thing?” All flustered, he walks into his office and rejects doing it with both The Maid and The Dahlia. He’s being so strong and good. He’s going to break, though. It’s like me on a diet and someone offers me delicious homemade cookies and I’m all no, no, no, no, but the next day? I’m shoving my face with crappy store bought cookies.
The Abortionist helps out The Dentist who accidentally killed The Dahlia. The Dahlia’s all, “Yay! I was murdered and mutilated. Lucky me! I’m famous!”
Haha. Ben’s mad at Vivien for being a deceiver and a liar. “Whore! You’ve been secretly shitting on my tits this whole time!” Then we flash to the past and he’s out drinking with Hayden, but, like, for a moment there we thought it was present time and that there was going to be a four-way at The Murder House later in the evening.
The strength it must take to say no to dead sexy ladies all day long, every day! Ben tells Hayden he doesn’t love her and Hayden tells Ben that she knows that Vivien has been having sexual relations with the sexy sexcurity guard.
Constance is being all nice-nice with her Hot Young Thing, but is it pretend or real? Those drunks can be tricky. She says, “Let’s get married and adopt Tate’s Living Ghost Baby Abomination and I’ll do everything right this time.” But he’d rather be famous. So he goes and fucks Hayden in her dank basement which clears his head. He wants to raise the abomination with Constance after all! But he’ll be back to cum inside Hayden again real soon. Stab stab stab stab. The Abortionist gets another chance to make a joker out of a dead body.
The crazy room that Vivien is locked up in is cement walled like an unfinished basement. Constance brings Vivien flowers and says she’s so excited for the baby! Constance says, "I was raped!" Constance says, "I know! Isn't it wonderful!?" Ben sets off the house alarm and waits. Turns out, Mr. Security Guard has excellent aim but no ammo. Ben’s thinking, “Well, golly, maybe there was a rapist?” He turns The Maid down yet again and she transforms into her older self right before his eyes! His incredibly large and fabulous penis is no longer getting in his view and he can finally see things unobstructed! This episode has been full of learning experiences for Ben.
Constance is in her kitchen and she wants The Medium to tell her about, like, what would a ghost baby come out as exactly? Do you have to change its diapers? The Medium’s like, “Bitch, you don’t even know.” Okay. So there’s this box that the new Pope gets to open on his first day on the job, and in the box is a piece of paper, and on it is written about how the Anti-Christ is a mix of spirit cum and real living lady eggs! OMFG! Vivien is carrying the Anti-Christ! (cough But Tate cough isn’t Satan cough.) O, I see, since The Holy Ghost just whispered in Mary’s ear to beget Jesus who is God and also the Holy Ghost, all Satan had to do to get his own child/himself on Earth was put a finger up Tate’s butt just as he was cumming? I mean, that’s the least He could do, right? Whispering in the ear is a little too vanilla for Satan. Constance is going to raise this child right, as God is her witness, or not, whatever. It doesn’t fucking matter. Fifth time’s the charm! Go, Satan!