American Horror Story: Rubber Man
December 1, 2011 in television
Six months ago The Rubber man was walking down a hallway. But a little before that, the wife of the abortionist was upset and walking through the darkness of her house which was built just for her, looking over the furniture and whatnots and saying how wrong everything was. This is not her house and yet it is her house. A man wants to comfort her. What would comfort her is a baby. So be it! The rubber suit is quickly pulled out of the trash on the sidewalk. So convenient! Right on top like that. You should know that when husbands walk around the house dream sleeping in the night, their wives get fucked by rubber suited spirits. It is Tate!!!! Tate’s the Rubber Man! Hahahahahaha. Motherfucker.
Vivien has a photo of the abortionist and her wife and their child and she says: This lady was here! Vivien’s saying this to the maid who is working for FREE and the realtor.
Realtor says it’s just Vivien’s hormones that make her think that. But the maid is showing a willingness to open up the actuality of the world to Vivien. O! When God closes a door, He makes sure all the windows are sealed tight.
Flash to Martha Stewart Spock feeling like he’s going crazy too. He suspects his boyfriend is a lying, cheating sack of catcrap. And he’s been sleepwalking too. Danger, Will JungleJim4322 Robinson! You know, I’m a hard love junkie too. We all are, really. Martha Stewart Spock Chad is going to gear the fuck up, bitches. I love learning. Today, I learned that there’s this thing called The Apple of Pain. It goes in your ass. I’m thinking it should maybe be called The Walnut Crusher, though. It looks a hell of a lot like one of those arcade games with the claw that captures toys. Also, and listen up: All relationships are a power struggle with or without props. But then, what are our tits and dicks? They are fucking props. If you ain’t using yours as such, you’re doing it wrong. This is where the rubber suit comes into the story, y’all!
The Cowboy clips his toenails without keeping track of the clippings. Some people would think this is gross. Like my husband. Me, I’m totally fine with that. The Cowboy finds the rubber suit funny. Never laugh at a man in a rubber suit who wants to have sex with you. Never. Also, this show needs even more sexy naked man butt. Jacking off with a guy online isn’t cheating. If you are a man jacking off with another man while online not only is it not cheating, it is also not gay. Just ask Michele Bachmann’s husband. Learning!
The abortionist’s wife is having a good cry on Vivien’s bed and dead Hayden comes in, looking very rigid and says, You are dead as disco, bitch. There are lots of INNOCENT BEAUTIFUL SOULS trapped in the house. THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG. And then there are the evil shits who did all sorts of evil who are trapped here too. Hahahahaha The dead do sexual role-play just like us, but better. That’s great. Wait. Vivien’s having twins? I totally missed that.
A crimson red ball comes rolling out of the darkness. Hayden is a ghost prankster breaking vases and frightening pregnant women.
We go back in time and watch Tate put on the rubber suit, then drown Chad in the bobbing for apples game. The Cowboy comes in and fights Tate. Tate kills The Cowboy, then shoves the poker up The Cowboy’s ass (again, not fun). We watch the dead cowboy roll down the steps into the dank basement.
We all, deep down inside, want to play with the dead, to simply just roll a ball back and forth, rather than go to high school every goddamn horrible day. It’s the truth. Deal with it.
“Men make you think you are crazy so that they can have their fun.” Well, ain’t that the goddamn truth. Fucking men. Hahahaha I totally flashed on the Yellow Wallpaper before she mentioned it. O. Great minds and all that. I’m really digging on the idea of privileged women going batshit crazy with their lack of opportunity combined with too much privilege. O! Is Vivien going to get her very own Rasputin?!?! Say it is so! Say it’s going to be the Security Guard and we get to see his naked bum. The maid says, “May I speak freely?” You haven’t been? The Maid tells it like it is. Fucking right on. The house is possessed and Ms. Harmon needs to get the fuck out while she still can. There’s a time limit? The Intruders were in the car! Hahahaha That was awesome.
IF YOU LEAVE, THE SHOW WILL END. NO LEAVING.
Violet lies! O! Her mother looks like a nutbag now.
What is it about being dead that makes Hayden so horny? This is so much like How many angels can dance on the head of a pin that I am all a flutter waiting for the answer.
In Vivien’s bedroom with Vivien high on prescribed drugs, Hayden mentions being a white privileged bitch with needs. Hot damn! Me and the show are tight as two fingers crossed. Hayden’s got First World Dead People’s Problems! Vivien steals a gun and shoots her husband. Oops. Mr. Sexy Security Man is a super stud who gives good information. But it turns out to not help.
So now the show is about gaslighting Vivien? I don’t see many more seasons then. Watching someone get gaslighted as a source of entertainment gets really boring. Unless it’s in real life, then that’s fun times for fucking ever. Also, if they take Vivien out of the house for too long she starts bleeding. The devil baby needs his devil house. How’s the show going to solve this dilemma? I bet she’s back in that house right quick. Also, what kind of baby is this anyway? It’s some sort of strange concoction. It’s not a devil anymore at all. It’s just a ghost baby—half real, half fake? Which are going to be the real parts? Or is the baby going to be all real but have supernatural powers? Like in The Incredibles?
I hope the birthing scene doesn’t give me seizures.
In the end, Violet would rather be with her dead boyfriend who has mommy issues and fucked his mother while wearing a rubber suit and slaughtered a bunch of his peers than tell the truth. God, teenagers are such selfish assholes.
We’ll close this recap with some music:
Honestly, all we can do in this terrible world is dance.