Wordsmoker

1994. The cops come knocking on the door. Ack. I think I’m getting old ‘cause dogs getting blown up in microwaves and kids getting shot in libraries aren’t at all entertaining to me. Just makes me feel sad and sick to my stomach. But hot naked older men crying and masturbating over sexy housekeepers? I’m totally okay with that. More, I say! As much hot naked men masturbating as you can! Anyway, the high school kids are frightened and die at the hands of another kid. That actually is an American Horror Story. A realistic version of the Whistle Death song. O, dear, that one cheerleader needs to drink more water or maybe her lemonade Gatorade spilled? Red gun lasers swimming over Tate’s black-shirted chest. He shoots himself in the head with his finger. Ur doin it rong!

Roundsearch sure looks a lot like Google. Thank God Google is called Google, ‘cause I’d sure hate to say, “Roundsearch it.” Although, that has many more sexy possibilities. “Here, let me roundsearch that for you.” And then you could touch the person and search ‘round his or her body for whatever you are looking for. Try it in the workplace today! It’s totally legit. As seen on TV.

Violet runs down the stairs away from the knowledge that she made out with a mass murderer, that she even likes someone like that. Constance is waiting in the kitchen. To explain that The House is Evil. And to place REALITY into question. Please to meet the psychic. Excuse me, medium. What we learn: Some people have a violent, angry reaction to being murdered. Do tell!

Vivien looking for the ultrasound tech. Turns out that that woman quit. So, like, did the Harmons just run the fuck out of the hospital or what? Was an ultrasound not completed? The writers are trying to tie this story line up, but this is not how it’s done. This is just two bunny ears wrapped around each other. It is not a proper bow.

Constance shows up and Vivien’s all, “Sorry about your dead daughter.” Constance is like, “Whatever, I only care about you because you are the keeper of the evil seed, here, have some bloody animal organ stuff.” Yum! The Housekeeper says that cheating on a pregnant wife is just as awful as murder. Also, your husband’s a slut whore from Hell! Hope you don’t mind I said that? Devil fetuses love animal guts! Especially raw pancreas. So, the House is Evil because of the abortions which brings even more evil into the world and makes it hungry from more blood and guts of innocent animals? I don’t know. I’d totally think those spirit things would be vegans.

Shaving yourself from a reflection in your toaster is just as good as a mirror. Ben: Say the piggy song in my bathroom. My house just happens to be the safest house in the entire world in which to chant about legendary murderous human pig beings. Then Ben leaves his patient alone and closes the door. Okay. I am not an actor who plays a doctor on TV and yet even I know this is not how one should go about this. Bob Newhart would never do this!

Vivien is getting her amniotic fluid checked. Why can these people not see the Devil baby that is inside her? The horns? The claws? Ben runs in late. He’s all, “I get to be here ‘cause I’m the daddy.” And everybody watching the show is like, No you’re not, dumbass.

The devil is real! This from the mauled teenage bully girl. The Devil can be beautiful! “Have you readRevelation?” Ah, I wish she said Paradise Lost. Satan’s a sexy badass in that book. You know, we totes covered this Devil-is-real thing with Keyser Soze. Just saying. Baby eating! Now, I’m not a specialist in The Book of Revelation, but I don’t remember that baby eating part at all. So does this mean that Vivien is only carrying food for Satan? This is like Satan’s late night snack? Need more drugs!

Violet is at the library where Tate killed those kids. The librarian survived but he’s in a wheel chair and he zooms over to Violet and says, “I get five of you sickos a year.” Dude, calm the fuck down already. It’s been like 17 years.

Vivien: “Moira! I have bad news.” Moira: “I will work for free!” Which is not suspicious at all. Here, eat more bloody raw organs. It’s from an organic farm. It’s a bowl of brains with a sprig of Italian parsley on top. Delicious. Vivien can’t eat it fast enough although afterward she’s all weirded out by having eaten it ‘cause she totally thought she wasn’t that kind of lady.

Playing cat and mouse with Tate is tricky. Violet goes into the basement. The twins are chasing each other with poppers, and the nurses come out of the darkness in their white clothes and bright blood, and the intruders come out and ask to use the phone, and the illegal abortionist says, Has my wife medicated you yet? Let me see your vagina.

Tate LOVES Violet! He’s written it in chalk which is almost as permanent as cutting it into tree bark. More drugs! Little girl, you do not want to die in this hellhole. Tate makes her vomit. In a good way.

So the lab tech is working or volunteering or whatever at a church now ‘cause that’s where she feels safest. “Don’t come any closer!” No! No! No! This is over the top of the very top. She says she saw the unclean thing. She saw what Vivien carries in her womb. The plague of nations. The Beast. She saw the teeny tiny hooves. Vivien’s all, The plague of nations cannot fit in my uterus and there’s no way it’s coming out my twat!

Here, piggy, piggy, piggy. Really? This is how he dies? Really?

“Don’t take it out on me ‘cause your dead daughter is mad at you.” O, for God’s sake, Constance was trying to trap Addie in the house? I thought she was trying to drag her away. What a horrible person.

Tate cries and violet cuddles him on her bed. Everybody needs to be loved. Even dead people with severe personality disorders. The dead and the living, spooning. Everything’s always sadness, wtf? But wait! Addie is happy in Heaven. So there’s that. If you are good, when you die you will be a happy pretty girl on the other side. If you are not good, well, then, you are fucked. I guess it’s misery 4me 4ever.