Wordsmoker

Like you, I’ve always been under the impression that pokes were universally good. After all, we have pokes on Facebook and an award called the Pokie (which I know is referring to fucking, but it derives its name from the playful act of extending one’s finger and sliding it into the side of a neighbor, a friend, or a loved one). So I’ve blissfully gliding through life enjoying all manners of poking and being poked . . .

Until last night.

There I was in my pressed and starched linen suit, at a drinking establishment, watching the fights, holding a tankard of ale, when I was invited to sit with some fellow fight fans. No sooner had I taken the seat, than the satellite feed was interrupted by the stormy weather. I decided to kill some time by checking my email, when a burly fellow started poking me in the ribs and stomach with his gnarled digit. What are you doing? You’re not checking the fight results are you? No cheating. That’s cheating. I’m not going to let you. Hahahaha. 

I’m not kidding. It was that asinine. Now I have to train with this poker in close quarters. What would have been wrong with a simple, “Hey, Mac, mind if I poke you?”

So, please, if you’re going to poke someone, remember this simple etiquette tip: either verbally announce your intention to poke or extend your finger to visually alert others of your intent to poke.

Sigh

Are you guys ready for the awards yet?

Smokies

gotta-have-cereal/Founding NYT Subscriber Cancels Service

“After reading Krugman’s repugnant piece on 9/11, I canceled my subscription to the New York Times this AM.ERICA RULES ISLAM DROOLS 9/11 4eva” (34 characters)

(We do rule.)

SenorWences/Book Fight Club: Suggestion Time

Oh! I’m with Helman with “When the Killing’s Done” even though it’s not by a girl! It’s on my nightstand and almost next! Let’s do that one! Fuck lady writers! Fuck them hard! Strip them and kiss them and stroke them and make them come, but let’s do that T.C. Boyle book next!

(It’s rare that Book Fight Club suggestion pages generate Smokies, and yes, I’m aware that the humor is a bit caustic, but it made me laugh and there simply weren’t enough nominations without me employing my own opinions. Next BFC, Wences will make a crack about male authors.)

Jamaica007/Beyond the Mound of Love

Though I am quite fond of gadgets , trinkets and toys in the bedroom I find it to be sacred ground nowadays. To be a lover would involve many a position to earn said title. Hard to focus on such intimacy with robots perversely at the ready recording and analyzing every detail. Has the world of technology invaded this personal space that would make the art of lovemaking so impersonal?

(Spot on analysis, 007.)

UncivillyObedient/Occupy Wall Street

Go for the pizza stay for the criminal record.

(Nominated by MamaPenguino who received neither pizza nor an arrest summons . . . so far.)

DieterTheMasseur/Occupy Wall Street

OK, I’ll take a stab at this . . .

(Let me explain. I can’t single out a specific part of Dieter’s comments upon which to bestow a Smokie, so I’m going to award it for the manner in which he conducted himself throughout the entire thread. Whether or not you agreed with what DTM was writing—I usually didn’t—it was polite, articulate, and brought a lot of useful information into the debate. Thanks for contributing, Dieter. Now here’s your fake award.)

DieterTheMasseur/Nick Denton Loves Roger Ailes

And the Human Centipede is one step closer to creation…

(Oh look, Dieter can also win Smokies for being funny. Eat it, everyone in the world who isn’t funny.)

DieterTheMasseur/Moron Who Wasn’t Running For President Isn’t Running For President

At least this time she’s gotten somewhat more efficient by skipping the actual job entirely and going straight to the quitting.

(Yes, another goddamn DTM award. This time nominated by Rene Sance. It’s totally valid though. Everyone else is so focused on what an idiot that Palin is that they forget that she’s also a colossal quitter as well.)

BellTolls/RIP Steve Jobs

This is why dedicating oneself to the pursuit of cocaine and hookers is a legitimate way to go…I mean if you are going to create empires.

(Sign. Me. Up.)

Pokies

MilitantRubberDucky & Rene Sance/Beyond the Mound of Love

MRD: People who seriously call their significant other “lover” deserve a high five. In the face. With a chair.

RS: I totally agree, my little cum dumpster.

(I had this slated for a Smokie, but apparently it turned Blix on, so a Pokie it is. Sick.)

CurlyQTips/The Internet is a Cruel Mistress

“Smart phone porn changed my life. Ask me how.”

(I think a post on how would be more appropriate. Q & A afterwards.)

Mechanical Larynx

As you all know, the Mechanical Larynx is awarded to the best audial or visual post or comment. During this evaluation period, only one such piece stood out as being ML worthy (mostly because no one else really tried). This week the MechLar goes to:

LatterdayLenin/All My Bitches Act Gay: The Politics and Poetics of the Based God

(LL is the Russel Simmons of Wordsmoker. You should see their workout videos side-by-side. Uncanny.)

Iron Lung

This week’s Iron Lung winner is awarded to a newcomer for one of his two brilliant submissions. You can choose your favorite, but mine is the one that wins the IL:

TimothyChapstick/#messydesk

look at all you blank sheets
you fresh meats
waiting and willing
for something thrilling
and seemingly rare.
desk – i really should clean you
not apparently demean you
with my haphazard attempt
at care

(Welcome aboard, Chapstick. I like the cut of your jib. You must have a good jib-cutter. To see TC’s other poem—the one that didn’t win the award—click here.)

That’s it for the awards, folks. In conclusion,

POKE