Avatar of theDutchess

by

The Internet is a Cruel Mistress

October 5, 2011 in Wordsmoker

My mom caught me masturbating. After 32 years it was bound to happen. No, my hands weren’t down my pants, they were on a keyboard. I should have seen it coming; my Wordsmoker username is the same as my family-friendly blog. I flew too close to the sun and the Google revealed my illicit Wordsmoker activities. To my mom and her friends.

Now, fuck me, I need a new username. So let’s push uskeg-may harpy-hay off to sea in her burning Viking ship to Valhalla and say hello to theDutchess. Yes, not as cool as my previous name but it bears no marker to my actual life. This way, errant googling will not tie us together. I will think of her, not theDutchess, as the carcass I have phoenixed out of.

So, yeah, same brand new package. I have to kill all references to my previous name, from now on (past writing can stay under the old name).

Now I’m free to write some really fucked up shit.

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  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

    I also wouldn’t mind reading stories about moms catching their 32-year-old daughters actually masturbating.

    ♪

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/blix/ Blix

    Welcome, TheDutchess, to our loosely-organized collective of performance artists. We strive to hone our abilities together in an often misunderstood artform.

    /I think my family would buy it. They tend to drink a lot.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/latterdaylenin/ Latterday Lenin

    @ Chillbear Latrigue:

    I can’t stress how totally serious I’m being about this:

    Next MFR theme, please.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dieterthemasseur/ DieterTheMasseur

    What? At 32, you’re not allowed to masturbate?

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

    @ Latterday Lenin: Theme’s are called by Militant Rubber Ducky these days, but I’ll mention it. I know her IRL.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/latterdaylenin/ Latterday Lenin

    @ Chillbear Latrigue:

    Excuse me, but, “mention it?” Perhaps you don’t understand the meaning of “stories about moms catching their 32-year-old daughters actually masturbating.” If you do anything less than threaten to quit Wordsmoker over this, the terrorists win.

    Also, is this Duckie person as beautiful in real life as she sounds in her Wordsmoker comments? <3

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

    @ DieterTheMasseur: Yeah, but some of us care about things like hysterical blindness and hirsute palms. If you don’t then, whatever, I guess that’s just not your thing.

    I had to live with my parents for a short period of time in the 90′s while I was waiting to move from place to place, and the only computer in the house belonged to my father, Herbert Hoover Latrigue. Well, I didn’t know about things like web histories and caches. He never mentioned it directly. It was more like, “Does everyone here know that a computer can store your browsing history?” as he casually glanced at everyone in the room but me.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dieterthemasseur/ DieterTheMasseur

    @ Chillbear Latrigue:
    See, I’ve taken the approach of making intrusive investigation more unpleasant for them than it is for me. I, for example, am not much troubled by the fact that I own several devices meant to aid in masturbatory pleasure. My mother, on the other hand, is mortified by the whole idea. So anywhere I don’t want her probing gets a maritial aid tucked, say, on top of the contents of a drawer. And then I”m like, you wanna know what’s in that drawer, you’re gonna have to pick up and move the dildo.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/militantrubberducky/ MilitantRubberDucky

    Welcome (again)! Glad to see you shedding your skin, as it were. I fully expect raunchy sex stories and tales of the times you’ve killed men and left them for the bears to find. Oh and things about cute fuzzy kittens, those are always a hit here.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/thedutchess/ theDutchess

    Hello all! I want to add in a comment that my Mom was not peeved at the highly disturbing shit I wrote about cutting myself. No, it was some comment that I made about my childhood and the fact that she made me wear a bike helmet.

    There I was, my bourbon in front of me, knitting in hand and watching Carnivale when she called and accused me of libel/slander. Oh, how dare I say things that I felt about growing up.

    @ DieterTheMasseur: at 32 I felt I was past the point of getting caught masturbating by my parents.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dieterthemasseur/ DieterTheMasseur

    @ theDutchess:
    You’re never past that point. They have impeccable (or terrible, depending on your POV) timing.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

    @ DieterTheMasseur: So what you’re saying is that gay kids have an easier time dealing with their parents. Hmmm, I’d always suspected as much.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dieterthemasseur/ DieterTheMasseur

    Having decided early on that my parents were going to just have to learn to cope with whatever made them uncomfortable undoubtedly simplified quite a few interactions with them.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/curly-q-tips-2/ Curly Q Tips

    Smart phone porn changed my life. Ask me how.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/fracturedacetabulum/ FracturedAcetabulum

    Welcome Duchess.

    I had a similar thing with Mrs. Acetabulum I should write up as it was a very awkward email exchange. Thankfully there was no phone call(or bourbon) as it would have been even more awkward.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/thedutchess/ theDutchess

    @ FracturedAcetabulum: you totally should. I’m always amazed at how small the Internet is sometimes. (hey! You’re from the Internet? Do you know Bill Johnson, he is from the Internet too.)