New Apple CEO To Make “Drastic Product Changes”
August 25, 2011 in Technology
As the world of premium consumer electronics deals with a mash-up of sadness and fear over the resignation of CEO and co-founder Steve Jobs, his replacement – relative newcomer “Steve Qadaffi” – has promised to make “drastic changes” to the range of Apple products that morons sell kidneys for. In a press conference held over Skype from a location in possibly Algeria or Belgium, the new CEO laid out his ideas for the future of computing from behind a lectern constructed out of cardboard in a speech lasting more than four hours.
Wearing the now distinctive black polo-neck shirt and jeans of Mr Jobs, Mr Qaddafi said:
“Look at new line of MacBook Pro. Each MacBook detail horrendous acts of savagery perpetrated by NATO forces in Glorious Libya, I mean – One Infinite Loop, California. These rats will face the ultimate justice when you activate the new Revenge App, free from Apple Store. High explosive extras available for $39, now download via iTunes or resign yourself to eating the dirt of the oppressor.”
When pressed on the rumors that the entire iPhone line of products were to be updated in September, Mr Qaddafi responded:
“Each new iPhone will come with an iVest, so you can strap multiple iPhones around your waist. This available free from Apple Store. Now strap as many as you can and stand in crowded public place NOT APPLE STORE and swipe across the screen with your middle finger extended towards Washington and in a matter of seconds you will join the virtous in the iCloud where you will be surrounded by 72 virgins who will show you how to rip a DVD of your daughter’s wedding in a condescending manner.”
Todd Williams of CNET asked about the new design of the iPad 3, due in the fourth quarter:
“New iPad 3 will be in shape of mighty Libyan fist clutching stupid F-16 sent by the dog, Reagan. Will also sync over Bluetooth and 3G, which is what every customer want in their empty, bloodless lives.”
Towards the fourth hour of his speech, Mr Qaddafi admitted:
“Yes, MacBook Pro gets hot under extended use, but believe me, they will soon become much hotter a lot quicker, you dirty infidel running dog.”
