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You’ve read Eleven Habits of Highly Imposing Men. It prompted you to take up smoking, gambling, and you started drinking harder liquor. You’ve been calling people demeaning names, punching men, and taking slaps from the ladies, but you still have a need to know just how imposing you’ve really become. Sure, you’re secure in your masculinity, but should you really be? Personally, I think all that worry results from weak, insecure thinking, but rest assured, frenchy, I’m going to give you a test to take—even though the results will probably just make you feel bad.

The Eleven Habits of Highly Imposing Men™ Quiz

Here’s how it works: I ask the questions and you write down the letter that corresponds to your answer. Then at the bottom there will be an answer key.

1. Coffee – How do you take your coffee? In which of these coffee scenarios would you be involved?

2. Socializing – You can judge a man by the company he keeps. Which pack of men should you be leading?

3. Smoking – Remember, you’re a smoker now. How do you hold your cigarette?

4. Alcohol – It’s time for lunch. What are you going to have to drink?

5. Music – Most people like music because it sounds good. You listen because you need something to fill the deafening silence that orbits your presence like planets about a sun. Who plays that music for you?

E. It’s a stacked deck. I can listen to any of their music, although I probably shouldn’t be seen in public with them dressed like that. Besides, what business is it of yours, punk?

6. Dancing – Sometimes you’re in a social setting that requires you to cut a rug. In the unlikely event that happens, who are you going to emulate? (Hint: for this exercise, please disregard enormous disembodied heads.)

A.

B.

C.

D.

7. Dining – You hate that you have to eat, but after all you are still a biological creature. Embrace your human nature. Which of these dishes looks appetizing to you?

8. Art – An imposing man has impeccable taste. That means that he’s also culturally superior to others. Choose the painting that inspires you as a man?

9. Fighting – If you’re an imposing man, you’re eventually going to run afoul of other so-called imposing men. When that happens, there’s going to be a donnybrook. Watch these videos and decide which one is your fighting style.

A.

B.

C.

D.

10. Appearance – Chances are you look like a goddamn clown. However, if you’ve been paying attention, you may be wearing clothes that don’t disgrace our species. Which of these men do you think look less than ridiculous?

E. B is obviously awesome, but I think Black Moses (C) could work too.

11. Skills – You’re going to need to be able to do things. Which of these is not a skill you’ll need as an imposing man?

It’s time to not only score your results, but to analyze the questions. Do not read the below results before you’ve completed the entire test or I will knock you the fuck out.

Answer Key:

1. Coffee – You should have known that A and C are obviously inappropriate for an imposing man. Designs? Poofy cream? What kind of abomination is that? A lot of you probably went for D because of its simple plainness and lack of confections, but did you notice the fancy little saucer? What the fuck is that? Besides, you can eat a goddamn donut, right? Or are you trying to slim down for swimsuit season, Nancy boy? The correct answer is B.

2. Socializing – You should have immediately singled a few of these out. If you’re looking to start a boy band then by all means pick answer A. Unless you know something that I don’t about answer B, you should avoid these guys—they look like losers. You might have picked answer C because they’re ninjas, and if this was 1992, that would be the way to go, but like all other pop-culture trends, ninjutsu has lost its luster—as well as its fighting effectiveness. (Know what I mean, Greyson?) D is the only possible answer. That crew is ready to take care of business.

3. Smoking – All of these look cool enough at first blush, but some dames will hold their cigarettes like you see in A, B and D. Although Reeves (who is not an imposing man) makes a decent case. Now look at Bogart with his classic C-grip hold. It’s no wonder that burnouts the world over named a certain selfish, smoking-related behavior after him. The correct answer is C.

4. Drinking – This one should have been a no-brainer. Sure answer A is on the rocks, but answers B, C and D all have a slice of fruit tucked in them. Hey, Don Ho, Hawaii called; they want your effeminate drinks back. The correct answer is A. Ice is fine; score a bonus point if you hesitated because you noticed it. (Bonus points are worthless.)

5. Music – Your choices were Zeppelin, Shankar, Hendrix and Beethoven. What’s not to like?  You need to have an eclectic taste in music, but you also shouldn’t go around yammering about it. The correct answer is E.

6. Dancing – How much of the four videos did you watch? In this case, not making it through all of the material is a win. Answer A is a video of the Bunny Hop. As a general rule, any dance that you do in a line—hops, congas, country line dances, macarenas, et cetera—are off the table. Answer B shows something called “The Aloof” which is supposed to be a campy takeoff on The Frug. Answer D is Elvis, and while he was The King very few people can pull off the Bossa Nova without spilling their martini. President Obama, however, showed a great deal of composure while a giant Wizard-of-Oz-like projection of Beyoncé Knowles floated above his head. The correct answer is C.

7. Dining – If you’re an imposing man, the answer to this one was probably obvious. However, you would be surprised at how many of these Marys actually eat salad, or grab a light meal to “save room for dessert.” Quiche is obviously repulsive to you as it is the food of cowards. Answer A is correct. A nice, rare porterhouse right off the grill is your staple food. Serve it with a garnish of grilled sausages.

8. Art – If you selected the two babies making out, you’re sick. Flowers are something that men give women to get out of the doghouse. Real men don’t care for posies. A painting of a clown in your house tells everyone that you’re a serial killer—it’s probably too much. Answer B, the monkey knife fight, while not the only acceptable piece of art in existence, is the only passable sample in this quiz.

9. Fighting – Who picked the woman in the pink pajamas? No one has ever used Tai Chi Chuan effectively in a fight. (Although, its practitioners annoyingly claim it as a martial art. Bollocks!) Capoeira is a little too Matrix-y to pull off without a lot of CGI and wire harnesses, but I do love the Only the Strong movie clip. Answer D comes to us from the 1985 film Gymkata starring gymnastics champion Kurt Thomas. This famous scene is set in the “Village of the Damned,” where all of the inhabitants are insane, violent, and congregate around a pummel horse. Other than the fact that this will more than likely never happen (although, it might be applied to zombies), you’ll look absurd fighting this way. Answer C—the correct answer—is possibly the most famous fight seen to emerge from 80′s B cinema. I would mention the name of the movie, but you should have instantly recognized it. For a bonus point (still valueless), watch the Starship Troopers bar fight involving combatants and spectators who are way better looking than real people.

10. Appearance – I get that there is a certain segment of the population who feels like they need to dress up in garish costumes to go listen to country music (i.e. hats, buckles, boots), but I can assure you that the decent people of the world think you look like an ass. Also, unless you are actually in the business of herding cattle, you are not a cowboy. I hope that takes care of answer A. Answer D is Sting in the science fiction classic Dune. I know it’s not fair to judge a man when he’s walking around in his drawers, but he’s just trying too hard to be a big deal in this picture. Now take a look at answer B. Cool, composed, holds his cocktail like it’s an accessory, wears an expression of superiority—Roger Sterling is your best answer. Now, let’s discuss answer C. Is Isaac Hayes a prototypical imposing man in his Black Moses garb? No, but on very rare occasions, you can make an outrageous political or religious statement, and if you wear the right shades, you can still be an imposing man. Answers C and E are both acceptable.

11. Skills – As a rule, any ability that you can add to your repertoire is good. That’s not to say that you should go to cosmetology school or something, but you would be surprised how often skills that are perceived as feminine can come in handy. For instance, take a look at the guy on the sewing machine in answer C. Is he darning socks or making some Russian prison guard uniforms for an operation that will put an end to the Cold War once and for all? You know damn well that you’re going to have to fix machinery—especially cars—so answer A is valid. All men can grill; it’s how we eat, so there’s nothing wrong with D. On the other hand, sitting in a cage while sharks try to eat your phalanges off is brave, but it’s not really a skill. If an activity can be accomplished by a tethered goat, it’s probably not something that you need to practice. Answer B is correct.

How did you score?

9 – 11: If you answered more than nine correctly, you may be on your way to being an imposing man. Thank you for not embarrassing me.

6 – 8: It’s unfortunate that you can’t retake the quiz and have the results mean anything. You are probably going to be able to muddle through life, but do us all a favor: if you have a male child, don’t try to teach him anything.

4 – 5: This is about what you should expect from just randomly writing down numbers. Chances are you were coddled quite a bit by your mother until you were about thirty-years-old.

0 – 4: I actually don’t believe it’s possible to get this low of a score without trying to fail. Nonetheless, you should probably purchase a ticket on the next train to France.

The results are non-negotiable. If you got a score you don’t like, don’t bother taking it again.

Keep checking Wordsmoker for Eleven More Habits of Highly Imposing Men.