The Smokies: Alphabet Soup Edition
May 28, 2011 in The Smokie Awards
When I first read Nora Darling’s OMGigi, I thought, “Hey, what a clever name for a great article.” I almost immediately asked her for permission to draft an homage that I was going to entitle ZOMAndy. About halfway through writing my tribute piece, there was a glut of other similarly named articles—not just scribed by newbs coming into feed off of Nora’s fame, but written by battle-hardened veteran writers. I realized now that if I didn’t change its name, ZOMAndy would be lost in the alphabet soup. Naturally, I had to act fast. I switched the name and the article was saved. Okey, that looks like enough text to go beside the Smokies logo. I’ll quit writing now so that you can see your awards.
Here were my yesterday t-shirt ideas:
I had sex with Seal Team Six and all I got was this lousy yeast infection
Abbottabad Is For Lovers
Seal Team Six Never Shoots Blanks
And for a limited time only, ladies get a free Seal Team Six Invaded My Pants thong with every Seal Team Six Captured My Heart tank top.
(No one can identify Smokies material like another Smokies writer. Nominated by MamaP.)
“Haven’t bin Ladin a while? FUCK SEAL TEAM SIX.”
(For a good line, we will allow unconventional spellings. See Mallomar Quadhafi.)
LatterdayLenin/While The Other Side Was Out Killing Bin Laden . . .
“I stand behind my observation that this new brand of republicans are a bunch of high-strung screeching drama queens that make Adam Lambert look like Steven Seagal.”
(This Smokie is actually for a much lengthier comment, every line of which is Smokie-worthy. Click the link. It’s the fifth one. Could have been a Smokin’ Comment.)
“Am I correct in assuming that the waxing craze had passed Osama by?”
(I wish that we had the answer to this, but those women are stonewalling. They’ll eventually break with a little waterboarding.)
Because Sexus, Plexus and Nexus/Russia Surpasses US in Auto Manufacturing Incompetence
“I hear if you look deeply into the eye of a potato, you can see its soul.”
(Weird gets noticed.)
MilitantRubberDucky/Micro-Fiction Roundup XXXVII: Will You?
(I know that it’s unprecedented to for a Smokie to go to a Smokies writer, especially on the MFR thread, but come on, look at the pic!)
“I heard he was particularly into Burqake.”
(Show me a terrorist who isn’t. I know that’s an awful stereotype, but still . . . )
LatterdayLenin/South Florida Meetup: The Rapture Is Coming!
“Yeah, um, last time? Those guys said PRL Euro Cafe in Hollywood and when I showed up it was like a video store of some kind and no one was there except this very muscular gentleman in a fake mustache named Billchair LaBreeze who kept making passes at me. So, I’m just saying.”
(Yes, I know this was about me. Yes, I know that this is further evidence that I just love any sort of attention. Still, why should Lenin be penalized because of my massive ego? Besides, I’m not that muscular, am I? *blushes*)
“You may be named Santorum, but you don’t understand the sometimes frothy, usually slimy, amalgam of lubricant, stray fecal matter, and ejaculate that leaks out of the receiving partner’s anus after a session of anal intercourse.”
(Possibly the most disgusting Smokie ever awarded.)
“They make these portable slings nowadays that are very popular. It’s a frame of metal tubing with various leather parts that hold various body parts. Unfortunately, I’m always sweating when I’m in one, so when I move, my back makes these sounds on the leather…um…back-holding-thing, and given what we’re doing, I always feel a compulsive need to should “THAT WAS THE SLING! I DIDN’T JUST FART!’”
(I was torn between giving this a Smokie or a Pokie, but Smokies great MamaP provided a little leeway with her nomination.)
MissLinda/Advice From the Future
“Shh! It’s good for property values if D-list stars buy coke on the block but a real estate nightmare if they’re buying anything else.”
(Here’s hoping that this prestigious award brings those property values back up.)
“Yeah, Giardia is a pretty name, but the whole package is kind of sexy, really. It’s got that whole “let me beckon you to the boudoir with my wispy tendrils” thing going on.”
(It reminds me a bit of a Noh mask, but not in a bad way.)
A liveblog of my reaction to this story:
I don’t think he’s kidding.
Of course he likes to be watched, he’s a narcissist.
I seriously don’t think he’s kidding. This explains so much.
Ugh, no, please don’t talk about the cleanup.
Really? You mentioned your mother? She must be so proud.
It takes longer than 10 minutes for skin to get prunie, but whatever, I’m almost enjoying the shower scene.
I do not doubt that Chillbear either has, or wants, a waterbed.
“I’ve done some strange things with other artificial sex partners….” is the worst pick-up line ever.
I really don’t think he’s kidding.
Ouch. Men must be wincing and grabbing their goods.
Ooh, firemen! Now we’re getting somewhere.
Again with the cleanup?
(He’s so gross.)
“The beautiful girl wearing the blue t-shirt that says, “my pussy brakes for Seal Team Six” makes me want to tattoo the words “Seal Team Six” on my penis.”
(I often find myself torn when giving this kind of comment a Pokie. I mean, sure it made all of us hot, but would it get SEAL Team 6 horny? That’s really the question.)
“I guess this is where I’m supposed to tell you that I’m a 34E and whine about how hard it is to find a good burqa costume in my size, then trail off and leave you wondering about what exactly that means….”
(Bra sizes and measurements generally get Pokies. I suppose in the interest of fairness, cock sizes should as well. Let’s use these parameters responsibly, Smokers.)
GerbilsInLove/City of Mothers
“I like to sunbathe topless on my back deck when the F-18′s are flying over, which is like, every day, all day. I now they can see me, and the one thing on my body that still looks pretty damn good are the ol’ 36D’s. If they keep it up, I may go pantless next. I’m getting sick of so many tan lines.”
(Again, please exploit this rule responsibly. Also, I’m sorry that there was a Pokie on your Mother’s Day post, Mom.)
A lot of Pokies could be awarded off of the OMGigi post—too many to list here so would the following people may accept a Pokie for this post:
MilitantRubberDucky, MissLinda, AzirelFallen, Nora Darling (the post’s author) and MuskegHarpy.
(Also, most of you get Pokies for OMSleepi. What is wrong with you people? I’m not listing the names again. Just re-Poke yourselves.)
The Urban Dictionary defines a “loosie“ as “a single cigarette purchased at the store for usually between 10 cents to a quarter.” However, Wordsmoker is just going to use it as an award that is given to a commenter who takes a thread on a delightful tangent. This is not meant to encourage thread-jacking, but I’m sure it will. The first Loosie goes to:
Everyone Who Took The While The Other Side Was Out Killing Bin Laden . . . On A Tangent
The Mechanical Larynx
This week’s Mechanical Larynx goes to two pieces produced by a single author. You can murmur all you like, but my decision remains firm. For his visually stunning series that taught us all that the actual making of curtains is not really important:
(Please keep up your several important works in this field, LL.)
Oh, but what happened to the beautiful, gilded pipes of VaQuero? If Latterday Lenin won the Mechanical Larynx, how will we ever reward VaQ for her amazing narrated video? Shut the fuck up, detractors! Maybe I’m going to split the award. Ever think of that?
(This blew me away. I’m very happy to be able to give this something, even though it’s just a virtual award.)
The Iron Lung
A lot of what goes into the selection of an Iron Lung is just personal preference. One of the the things that I personally prefer is well written product reviews that encourage women to openly discuss masturbation. That’s why the first Iron Lung goes to:
“Which brings us to the Gigi, 3.2 ounces of sleek, quiet, cordless joy. It’s been around for a few years and received rave reviews all over the web, most notably from girlcrush Lux Alptraum. So pardon me if I gush, but this gorgeous piece of technology has so moved me, I could sing from the rooftops: O, Lelo Gigi! I never knew self-love like this before.”
(It should be noted that this piece also inspired several copycat articles in the days that followed. Sales for the Gigi also went up by 3%! Umm, we’re not that influential in those circles . . . yet.)
For his present-day soothsaying about the affairs of the past:
UncivillyObedient/Advice From the Future
“Redheads are becoming rarer and rarer, according the scientists, and in 100 years they could even be extinct! Maybe the fact that it’s so uncommon and exotic is why blondes and brunettes are going red, and gingers are embracing their natural hue. Or maybe it’s just because fire-colored locks are smokin’ hot. Take Rhianna for example, The singer can (and has) rocked just about every color out there, but we think her recent red shade matches her fiery personality best. It’s all about working what your mama gave you, and next time a h8tr gets up in your face, just tell ‘em to back off! You’re here, you’re red, and you aint goin nowhere! xoxo”
(This was a brilliant concept that combined, nostalgia, time travel and snappy advice. Plus I think that Lenin publicly nominated it, but I wasn’t really sure because he didn’t throw a virtual rose or anything.)
If you need an explanation as to why we have two Iron Lungs, see my explanation for why we have two Mechanical Larynxes. Anything posted after this will be on MilitantRubberDucky’s watch. She’s still new to the awards circuit so let’s make it a baptism by fire. Good job, people.