Wordsmoker

Well, it’s 7am and I’m awake because I haven’t been to bed, because of the excitement, you see. Kate and William are getting hitched today, so I might as well write about it, because I’ll guess it’ll form some sort of snapshot for us all to look back upon and giggle. I’m watching it on the BBC, which is a blessing, because I’ve seen the promo from E! or whatever they’re called, and it made every atom in my being vibrate with laughter.

Anyway – let’s go.

I’m watching the television. It’s a bit cold, but sunny here. Lot’s of bird action in the garden.

Carol Kirkwood is talking about the weather. She’s my favorite weather presenter, ever. I watch enough news that I have favorites, shut up.

I’m running out of tobacco. It’s a DISASTER.

Apparently it’s “feeling damp” outside Buckingham Palace. But it’s a dry damp!

Susanna Reid is talking to people outside. She’s another of my favorites.

I love the BBC.

I’m not hating this, as I’ve had a headache all night, and now it’s early morning, and I’m floating on codeine-based painkillers. That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it.

I’m going out to get tobacco. And maybe some milk.

The cats are all quiet, which is strange.

Someone posh is talking now. She’s talking about getting hair done, and the excitement that contains for a bride.

I’m glad to say that my local shop is not observing the public holiday here. It’s a beautiful morning here in the West of Scotland – the few clouds in the sky will be burnt away by maybe 10am, leaving only unbroken blue.

Anyway. Dress talk. Blah. Carole Kirkwood is giving the weather again.

It’s very gray in London. The light is incredibly flat.

Here we go. The commentary is already bombastic here, dunno about yours.

2 billion people are watching this live. Or later. On YouTube. With maybe some cats intercut to make it interesting. A third of the world’s population.

Prince William will be now known by three names, as decreed by Her Maj.

Prince William given title of Duke of Cambridge, Kate Middleton will become Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge.

I shall be known as “Neo – the space cowboy”, as decreed by my cats.

I’m really not paying much attention to it. I’m just listening to the audio and doing work.

Now an English rugby guy is talking. It’s a pretty English day.

Now some Welsh bint is babbling at a man in a baseball cap.

Indeed, a lot of hats are being worn. My latest scam – to embed subliminal hat imagery into every post on Wordsmoker – is being helped immensely.

A plainly-mad Australian woman is talking nonsense about china plates.

I’m now being told of the “colors of the day”. Shoot me.

I’m also refusing to look out for The Beckhams.

They should’ve dressed up Westminster Abbey like something like that elf place in Lord of the Rings. That would’ve been fucking awesome. But no, they didn’t, and they’ve missed a trick.

That would’ve rocked.

A red line on the tv is portraying the route, a lot like the red line in the Indiana Jones movies.

Victoria Beckham is wearing a blue donut hat with a twig poking out it. David has shaved and is wearing a little medal. He’s spent a lot of time on his hair. I’m glad I can’t see her ridiculous breasts.

She doesn’t look bad, btw.

David Cameron is speaking. I am bored. I’ve turned it down.

Kate’s hair is magical.

TREVOR BROOKING. HYDE PARK. PEOPLE. I’D SAY ABOUT 100,000.

I’m a bit nauseated by the coverage now.

1 hour until it starts proper.

Cars. Princes. Meh.

William has arrived, and looks terribly dashing in his tourist-trap outfit. Harry has foregone his usual Nazi look for something dripping in piping.

William’s pretty aware he’s losing his hair.

Harry looks hungover.

The trees look nice. William looks nervous. Henry – one of my cats – looks at pigeons.

Nice shiny black car. Flags. Bobbies. Trees. Car. Police. Near silence, few cheers.

More Royalty. The place is chock-full o Royalz.

MINI-COACHES!!!

Bride’s Mother in pale blue with a white HAT BUY HATS NOW. I like her eye-makeup.

Queen Victoria never had to worry about high-def cameras. I guess Diana didn’t, either. Changed days.

(I don’t have high-def).

That Rolls Royce is beautiful. I have to admit it.

It’s “a fantastic day for British fashion”. There you go.

The Big Story So Far – David Cameron’s wife isn’t wearing a hat.

IT’S THE STATE TRUMPETERS, TRUMPETING.

The Dean of Westiminster is dressed like a Golden Sith Lord.

Here’s KATE!!

SHE’S WEARING A DRESS. I CAN CONFIRM – SHE’S WEARING A DRESS.

It’s definitely a dress of some kind.

(Henry is asleep on my bed).

Apparently there was some discussion about hair. I dunno.

The Dress

I have to admit – she looks good.

Heredity baldness amongst the sound of angels. People singing. The sound of sweatshops gearing up in China and India, the designs for the dress winging themselves across the internet. Talking-point wedding dresses will be in.

“It’s an exact copy of Kate’s!”