Wordsmoker

James Lipton Clone: “Good evening.  I’m a robotic clone of James Lipton, so it would be appropriate for you to read my voice as slightly metallic and completely soulless.  I’m here tonight with new Wordsmoker contributor, Hoodrow Wilson.  I will be asking him 20 questions, not including follow-ups and clarifications, in the attempt to answer this one, singular over-arching question: Who is Hoodrow Wilson?”

Hoodrow Wilson: “Is that the first question?”

JLC: “No, it is not, but if you’re ready to begin, I can go ahead and ask the first question.”

HW: “Shoot.”

JLC: “One: Who is Hoodrow Wilson?”

HW: “So that was the first question.”

JLC: “Does not compute.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “It’s kind of a broad, nebulous question.  Could you be a little more specific?”

JLC: “No.”

HW: “Okay, then.  I am Hoodrow Wilson.”

JLC: “Two: Did you call in sick to work today, and if so, why?”

HW: “Yes, I did.  I came down with a cold on Monday night and, try as I might, just couldn’t shake it by this morning, so I called in to try and heal up before I leave town tomorrow night.”

JLC: “Going on holiday?”

HW: “Is that a follow-up or a new question?”

JLC: “Follow-up.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “Yes, I’m going to Phoenix with my non-married-committed partner for her father’s big 50.”

JLC: “What do you mean by ‘non-married-committed partner’?”

HW: “Still a follow-up?”

JLC: “Yes.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “We’ve been together for over 5 years and it just feels weird calling her my ‘girlfriend.’  We’re essentially married.  We’ve lived together over 3 years; we share a bank account; we bought a house together back in August.”

JLC: “Three: What do you enjoy most about being a homeowner?”

HW: “The ability to be loud.  I’m overly empathetic, at times.  I was always conscious about the noise we might be making while living in an apartment, even if our neighbors did not return the courtesy.  I never felt comfortable turning the stereo up too loud, but now I don’t have to worry about that at all.”

JLC: “Four: What is your favorite food?”

HW: “That came out of nowhere.  Is there any kind of flow or structure to this interview?”

JLC: “Does not compute.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “Okay.  I love Thai food, extra spicy, but I’d have to say my favorite dish is Lamb Saag, an Indian dish.”

JLC: “Five: You mentioned you are a homeowner.  How old are you?”

HW: “27.  I’m eager to hear how you plan on relating that to my homeownership.”

JLC: “Six: Do you enjoy sport?”

HW: “Just going to gloss right over it, aren’t you, James.”

JLC: “Seven: What aspects of writing do you most enjoy?”

HW: “Are you malfunctioning or something?  I haven’t answered the last question yet.”

JLC: “I am functioning optimally.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “Which one?”

JLC: “Please answer the question.”

HW: “Christ.  Alright, James.  Yes, I enjoy sport, some more than others.  I’ve recently become obsessed with Australian Rules Football.  It’s pretty brutal.  It’s got elements of almost every single professional sport, from soccer, rugby, American football, to even small elements of basketball, hockey and volleyball.  It’s pretty damn entertaining.”

JLC: “Sounds delightful.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “Oh, right, the one about writing.  You know, I don’t know what I enjoy most about writing.  It’s certainly been a bit of a love-hate relationship.  I love to write when I feel inspired to, but hate when it starts to feel like a chore, like when I push myself way too hard to finish something or feel like I need to translate my writing into something that’s financially viable.”

JLC: “Eight: Is money the root of all evil?”

HW: “Define evil.”

JLC: “Does not compute.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “I would say that greed is one of the primary drivers for dehumanization.  Is that an adequate answer?”

JLC: “Sounds delightful.”

HW: “Not at all, James.”

JLC: “Nine: If you had to pick three films to take with you to a desert island, which would you pick?”

HW: “Only three?  That’s a tough one.  Can you push it to five?”

JLC: “Seeing as you’re unlikely to have any way to view these films on a desert island, I don’t see why not.  But no, I can’t.”

HW: “Really, James?  Eh, whatever.  I’d probably have to pick these films based on their own degree of differing fulfillment for me.  Seven Samurai is a must.  Probably the greatest film ever made.  Royal Tenenbaums is a must as well.  Slot three is going to be a tough pick, probably a toss up among The Thin Red Line, Magnolia, The Red Shoes, Ran, The Human Condition, Inglourious Basterds, Cool Hand Luke.  Christ, James, the list goes on.  I love movies.

JLC: “Does not compute.  You must pick only three.  Answer the question please.”

HW: “You’re starting to get on my nerves, James.  But fine, Inglourious Basterds.  I could watch that film again and again, it’s so damn entertaining.”

JLC: “Ten: Are you a religious person?”

HW: “Not in the slightest.”

JLC: “Eleven: Are you a Republican, Democrat or Independent?”

HW: “No.”

JLC: “Does not compute.”

HW: “I meant none of the above, James.  I don’t align myself with any political party, although I will say I don’t think I’ll ever vote for a Republican.”

JLC: “Would you describe yourself as conservative or liberal?”

HW: “Neither, although I think most of my opinions and political leanings come down on the liberal or extremely liberal side, but I don’t like to assign myself any labels because of the baggage that comes with them.”

JLC: “Twelve: What bands you currently listening to?”

HW: “I’m really liking the new Foo Fighters album.  I’ve also been jamming the latest from My Chemical Romance, The Damned Things, The Acacia Strain.  Mostly metal and rock, but sometimes I like the indie and lo-fi stuff, like Cage The Elephant or Glasser.  I’ve also been getting into older, classic rock as well, like The Rolling Stones and David Bowie.”

JLC: “Thirteen: Cats or dogs?”

HW: “From music to animals, just like that?”

JLC: “Does not compute.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “God damn it, James.  Dogs.  I have both, but I find dog ownership to be much more fulfilling.”

JLC: “Fourteen: You mentioned you like spicy foods.  What are you currently reading?”

HW: “Christ, James, I think you need a tune-up or something.”

JLC: “I am functioning optimally.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “Rolling Stone magazine, mostly.  I’ve also been working through ‘Oil!’ by Upton Sinclair.  I actually don’t read that much, except on the bus in the morning.  I do listen to a lot of podcasts at work, though.”

JLC: “Fifteen: If you had to pick three colors to take with you to a desert island, which would you pick?”

HW: “No follow-up on podcasts?  That question doesn’t really make any sense, either.”

JLC: “I am functioning optimally.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “No.  That’s an absurd question.  What colors would I take to a desert island?  The fuck’s wrong with you, James?”

JLC: “Does not compute.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “No, I’m not going to do that, James.”

JLC: “You mentioned you like spicy foods.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “Nope.”

JLC: “You mentioned you like spicy Australian liberals.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “For the last time, James, no.  Just move on.  Next fucking question.”

JLC: “Sixteen: You mentioned you are homeowner.  What do you enjoy about being a homeowner?”

HW: “Jesus Christ, James, you already asked me that.”

JLC: “Does not compute.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “Fuck.  Fine, beyond what I mentioned before, I enjoy the actual structure of my home.  It was built in 1897 but had a complete remodel early last year.  It’s very characteristic of the town, with small rooms and a very narrow staircase, one in which I have to mind my head so as not to bump it.  We’ve got a fantastic backyard, perfect for playing fetch with the pup with a tennis ball.  It’s certainly got a lot of quirks, being an old house, but that makes it unique.  I love that there are no other houses around just like this one.”

JLC: “Sounds delightful.”

HW: “You’re finally right on something, James.”

JLC: “What colors are the walls in your home painted?”

HW: “Brown, beige and blue, mostly, with some light green trim in the master bed and bath.”

JLC: “Would you say those are your favorite colors?”

HW: “Now, I see what you’re trying to do here James, but I still think it’s an absurd question.  There might be some colors I prefer over others, but I really think it’s absolutely trite to assign favorite status to something as trivial as a color, much less pick three to take to a desert island.”

JLC: “Sounds delightful.”

HW: “Fuck off, James.”

JLC: “Seventeen: Is Hoodrow Wilson your real name?”

HW: “I think it’s pretty obvious that it’s not.”

JLC: “Where does the name come from?”

HW: “It’s pretty much just an arbitrary pun.  I like hooded sweatshirts, or hoodies, as they’re called colloquially, and I went from calling them hoodies to hoodrows, and you can pretty much follow it from there.”

JLC: “Why write under a pseudonym?”

HW: “What are you getting at, James?”

JLC: “I am functioning optimally.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “Because I’m insecure?  Is that what you want to hear, James?  That I find comfort in running away and hiding behind a fake name?  That I enjoy being able to disseminate vitriolic information without fear of retribution?  Is that you think?  Is that you want me to say, James?”

JLC: “Eighteen:…”

HW: “Fuck!”

JLC: “You mentioned you were insecure.  What is your favorite meal to make at home?”

HW: “Jesus Christ!  What is going on?  You’re a nutcase, James!  You ought to have your programming wiped!”

JLC: “I am functioning opti…”

HW: “Optimally, yes, yes, we fucking get it.”

JLC: “Does not compute.  Please answer the question.”

HW: “Fine.  Mac and cheese with crushed up jalapeno potato chips and hot sauce.”

JLC: “Nineteen: Have you contributed to Wordsmoker in the past?”

HW: “Yes, but not under this name.  I’d bet the more astute Wordsmoker readers and contributers will recognize my writing or other aspects.”

JLC: “Will you tell us the name you wrote under before?”

HW: “No, not now, James.  I would have considered it before, but now I’d rather not dignify any of your questions with reasonable responses.

JLC: “Last question.”

HW: “You’re damn right, James.”

JLC: “What swear word do you really enjoy but find you rarely use yourself?”

HW: “Cunt.  Is that it, then?  Are we done?  I’m done.  You’re a fucking cunt, James.  I’m out of here.”

JLC: “Thank you very much, Hoodrow Wilson.  This concludes our interview.  We can now say we indeed know the answer to the question, ‘Who is Hoodrow Wilson?’”

HW (from distance): “No you fucking can’t, James!”

JLC: “I’m a robotic clone of James Lipton and this has been 20 questions with Hoodrow Wilson, new Wordsmoker contributer.”

HW (from further distance): “Cunt!”

JLC: “Goodnight.”