Wordsmoker

1. I have come here for a long time, under several different pseudonyms.

2. Nevertheless, I go by fewer names than these folks: Elric of Melniboné, Satan, Sean Combs.

3. I have never put together a “20 Things About Me” list, partially because I feel strongly that there are not twenty interesting things to say about me.

4. I often use my insecurity as a subject for humor, but I constantly worry that people despise that kind of humor.

5. I have been accused of making too many “dad jokes.”

6. I would probably say I like crunchy peanut butter better than creamy, but even so I haven’t had crunchy peanut butter in over a decade.

7. I have intimacy issues that are partially because of the insecurity I mentioned, but maybe also partially because I had one childhood best friend die suddenly of cardiac arrest and another one move away abruptly when his father attempted a murder-suicide that left my friend’s mother dead and his father alive with a bullet wound to the head. The father didn’t spend any time in jail—I think because where I lived at the time, infidelity may have been considered a legal justification for killing your wife.

8. A few years later I was reunited with the latter friend, who it turned out was in his father’s custody, and I reacted with a mean detachment that I’m ashamed of to this day.

9. I make fun of celebrities because I don’t consider myself qualified to take a position on anything of real import and I don’t want to offend anyone.

10. I like to think of myself as a nice, moral person with large-hearted political views, but I actually do almost nothing to substantiate that self-image. Unless watching the right cable news shows counts? Oh, and bursts of clicktivism or slactivism or whatever.

11. Former vices: cigarettes, occasional recreational drug use. Current vices: food, alcohol, and whatever it is I am doing right now.

12. I did not get my driver’s license right when I was sixteen. I was in no hurry because whenever I try to learn a new thing that involves physical coordination, I screw it up. The first time I drove a go-cart, I accidentally drove it off the track and into the woods. The first time I rode a horse, I was thrown and almost trampled. I tried to learn how to ride a motor-scooter at a rental lot on a Greek island and, even though a license was not required, they didn’t let me take the bike because I kept dragging my feet on the ground to try to stop instead of using the brakes. My first car was totaled within three months in an accident that was my fault, and the car that hit me contained a young couple with no insurance, and the woman was nine-months pregnant. Luckily, everybody was ok.

13. I’m not at all superstitious.