Wordsmoker

Just peed in my bathroom. Stood there, cock in hand, peeing in my bathroom. It was a long one. The pee, I mean, not my cock. Or my bathroom. I’ve got dry mouth and I’ve been drinking a lot of Pepsi One for a couple of hours while watching a DVD, so I guess that was some of it. I stood there – peeing in my bathroom – and Ladies and Gentlemen, it felt like heaven. Emptying my bladder made me close my eyes, rock gently back and forth on my feet, with the steady pleasure of release surging through me. I think I peed for a full minute, maybe longer. During the pee, it felt like a lifetime of futures were possible, that everything was well, and that life had substance – that life itself was alive. A beautiful, easy to quantify sensation. Tempered joy, contained and automatic while your entire being is fully relaxed.

Urinating can take on these lofty proportions if you do it while stoned.

Yep. Stoned. Stoned because of some good weed. Sweet bud of youth, rolled and ingested, quality assured and tested. Something different from your sometimes mediocre smoking norm. Something a bit eclectic to your taste. Something you inhale and then realize an hour later that this time you got lucky and won in the THC stakes.

Something that doesn’t make you cough like a door.

I’ve been watching some comedy on DVD since I got home. Because of my two slightly potent cigarettes I’m enjoying it on multiple levels. The aforementioned DVD is funny – I laugh at it because of this – but underneath that there are at least two other parts of my mind taking in the production. One, from a technical standpoint – noticing how well a studio can fake natural lighting, even on non-high-def video – that sort of thing. The other level is seeing the performance as it would be written, the paths that would’ve been taken to get to the multiple dramatic and comedic points that some other part of me – the laughing part – is currently laughing at. There are other levels, too. Too many to mention, really, and I’m already boring myself.

Two hours into the DVD I’m experiencing plus two joints, then maybe two or three other cigarettes, while guzzling too much Pepsi One will lead anyone with a bladder my age into a bathroom like a horse to water to do a beautifully stoned pee. While I was standing there – doing my beautifully stoned pee and loving it beyond all reason – a thought occurred* to me – why not write about my beautiful stoned pee? Maybe somebody else out there has had a beautiful stoned pee and felt the same, and maybe they’d like to hear that they’re not alone in experiencing beautiful stoned pees? Perhaps I’d be doing a service to the world at large in talking about my own personal beautiful stoned pee? Maybe having a beautiful stoned pee has never been written about on the internet before, although I doubt that. To be honest, I have no interest in finding out because I’m stoned and in the middle of writing about my own beautiful stoned pee. I don’t want other people’s experiences of having a beautiful stoned pee piss all over mine.

*Smokes Another cigarette*

Where was I? Yeah. If you’ve never had a pee while gently stoned, I fully recommend it. Yes – I’m an anonymous advocate for peeing while stoned. Don’t worry – I’m not going to start some fucking Facebook Group and ask you to join. I’d just like you to know how good peeing while stoned can be. See – marijuana is better than beer and if you disagree with me you’re wrong. Don’t even bother starting to argue the case for beer because you’ll lose. I don’t even need to construct an argument for marijuana.

Just accept that marijuana is better than beer and be quiet.

If I know you well, and if I’m stoned and I feel like opening up, I’ll probably tell you this. It’s the best advice you’ll ever hear from the mouth of a human. It’s not that I’m advocating marijuana usage, I just think it should be mandatory for everyone over the age of 18.

Marijuana usage can lead to an epiphany in your bathroom.

If you do get stoned on occasion** you’ll probably know this – your next joint – that one that you’ll smoke after being sober for far too long – that joint’s the fucking best. The second is nearly as good. I won’t go into thirds or fourths – what will be, will be. It’s like that. Maybe you’ll go back to watching your DVD and just smoke normal cigarettes for the rest of the evening. Whatever you decide, it’ll be cool. Maybe you’ll go for another pee? Maybe you’ll have a coffee? Maybe it’ll spur you on to write overly-analytical, self-involved bullshit about marijuana usage on a blog.

It’s cool.

*Smokes Another cigarette*

* I habitually mis-spell this word.
** This one, too.