Zombie Fungus Ambition Not Limited to Foot Odor
The environment—you know that thing that all of you hippies are constantly trying to protect with your recycling and your global warming concert series—is trying to fuck us over again. Only this time, instead of spewing a bunch of oil all over the Gulf or attacking us with mad cows, Nature has developed a new weapon to use against its human benefactors: ZOMBIE ANTS—or more accurately, a group of funguses that turn ants into zombies.
For some time, scientists have predicted that the world would be overrun by the undead. What wasn’t known was what the impetus would be. Radioactive corpses? Germ warfare? A portal to an alternate universe? Very few imagined that it would be a fungus that attacked the brains of insects, sent by a spoiled and ungrateful planet.
From National Geographic:
The article goes on to say that it’s actually four funguses that are attacking the ant brains and not just one. I have to be honest here; I don’t think that’s very important. However, this part is:
“This potentially means thousands of zombie fungi in tropical forests across the globe await discovery. “We need to ramp up sampling—especially given the perilous state of the environment.” – David Hughes, Assistant Professor of Entomology and Biology at Penn State University
In the unlikely event that there’s some half-wit out there who’s not getting this, let me break down how the rest of this story plays out:
- A Team of scientists goes down to the Amazon looking for zombie fungi “to sample.”
- One or more of the scientists is either bitten by an ant, eats a weird mushroom, or has an ant climb into an ear and travel to his or her brain.
- The fungus astutely determines that humans are much better hosts than ants to spread its spores. (Because of our longer strides and aircraft.)
- The ending of every zombie movie that you’ve ever seen.
The religious right, who believe that any discussion of zombies is blasphemous and leads to abortion and homosexuality, will legislatively block any chance that we have of nipping this thing in the bud.
The only thing left to decide is whether we’ll be fast zombies or slow ones.