The Day God Died
January 13, 2011 in Sad
I lost faith in god today. Today was the day I learned that there is no merciful, kind, or just deity, no ruler of the infinite multiverse who gives a flying badger fuck about me (or you, for that matter). The relationship has always been tenuous, but this was the day that I turned my back on him. Or rather, just stopped believing there was anything to turn my back on.
We lost an officer today; not from a gun shot or a stab wound or even a car crash, which seems to take them more and more every year.
No, this 26 year old was taken by heat stroke.
Can you believe that? Of all the dangers that come in this field, heat stroke killed him. For the last two days, I have been praying. I have been reaching out to the supposed compassionate god I’d heard so much about and, at times, had been bludgeoned over the head with, for him to wake up. And it did nothing, not one iota of good. It didn’t heal him. It didn’t bring him back from the brink, or even part of the way. All it did was delay the inevitable and allow us to say our goodbyes, and I attribute that to the ventilator.
Scores of people prayed; our officers and their family, the officer’s friends, even people that didn’t even know him offered up requests for healing. I was in the doctor’s office for strep, and we got to talking about this officer; she took down his name and what happened to him, and said she’d pray for him during her prayer group the next day. All those people, begging and debasing themselves to this supposed caring being, and for what?
To be told he’ll never wake up again, to force his poor wife and family to have to decide whether or not to pull the plug.
We all asked for him to be healed, and we were denied. What does it take to get a miracle around here? If someone inherently good and kind and full of potential being on death’s door doesn’t count, then what does?
So as of today, the man in the sky is no more, at least to me. There is no shepherd leading the way to safety, no thief in the night, no redeemer. I won’t deny you your illusions, but don’t talk to me about god.
He couldn’t be bothered with us, and I will give him the same discourtesy.
RIP Roger Morales. You are forever in our hearts.