Wordsmoker

Yeah, I’m pissed, pissed that a bright orange cry-baby has ascended to the pinnacle of power in this country, and sits third in the line of succession. A man who, for lack of kinder terms, intends only to see President Obama dragged down and through the street in order to enforce the superiority of himself and his party. Yes, I speak of none other than John “Veil of Tears” Boehner.

So angered did I become with the antics of the first two days of the 112th Congress, from the over-sized gavel, to the waterworks, to the reading of the Constitution sans naughty bits, to having two Republican legislators vote without being properly sworn in, that I started to write the following, which I was going to send to his office. Instead, I realized that a) he would never see it, and b) even if he did, he’d chuckle, wad it up, and go about his malevolent business. So here, in its unfinished entirety, is what I wrote:

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Representative John Boehner
Speaker of the House of Representatives

Mr. Speaker:

It is customary to begin any form of communication with some positive note; in this case, I find myself making exception to the usual form of writing, to address what I consider the potentially serious inadequacy represented by your ascension to power as leader of the House of Representatives and the Republican Party in said branch of Congress. Based on the rhetoric I heard during the recent mid-Term elections of 2010, I can only assume that you intend to follow through on the many baseless, time-consuming, and wasteful actions concordant with the talking points continuously poured forth into the ether by your party. In that vein, I find I must, before much time has passed and too much of that wasted, write you and outline my specific concerns with the course of action you intend to take.

First, let me say unequivocally, that the results of the previous election were far from a mandate by the American people, as the American people were surely not represented in the voting electorate that turned out for that election. The benefactor you owe for your victory was clearly the Democratic Party, which, rather than standing on their record of accomplishment (and yes, the 111th Congress did accomplish much, though you would have denied it), were cowed by your empty threats and the howling of The Tea Party, which stands as closer to sycophantic rabble than the patriots they claim to revere. It did not harm you to have the benefactors of the ultra-rich corporate interests greasing the wheels of your electoral machine in the background; their injection of capital combined with funding of shadow Tea Party groups filled with parrots chanting the mantra of fiscal responsibility and deficit reduction, even as they benefited from the fiscal irresponsibility of their Wall Street compatriots, was brilliant in its execution, though transparent to anyone with half-a-brain.

Be that as it may, you ascended to the pinnacle of power based on half-truths, obfuscation, and promises to your rabid fans in the Republican base that you would “change course” and “take back America,” conveniently leaving out the bits where, it turns out, your gutting of financial regulations, softening of banking restrictions, and continued pandering to corporate interests in the name of political capital, brought about the financial crisis which forced the hand of the incoming administration. It is very efficacious to have caused problems, then lain them at someone else’s feet, piling on top of that a complete rejection of governance in the interests of attempting to derail the new President’s agenda and paint him in the most unflattering light, even as he struggled to rectify the savaging of a national economy by your cronies in the business world.

It should be noted, now, that you no longer have the comfort of the election to shield the public from the true nature of your intent, which is, plainly, to complete the destruction of any progress made by President Obama in the first two years of his presidency, while laying the foundation for a Republican run at the White House in 2012. You will go through the motions, bringing useless bill after useless bill to vote, “ramming them down our throats” in the House, to have them either die on the vine in the Senate, or be axed on the President’s desk. One wonders if this was not your plan all along, given the half-hearted nature of the attempt to take the Senate in 2010; leaving the Democrats in power there ensured that you would have a ready foil for your agenda, so that when it failed, you could wave your hands and point your fingers at them. Still, I’m sure you would have preferred having complete domination of Congress, if only to place the President on an island from which escape was predicated on his “cooperation” with your agenda.

So, here you stand, with your ridiculously large gavel, your insincere intentions, and total lack of a coherent plan for governance, preparing to embark on your master plan. Whatever the outcome of the next two years, you will make every twist and turn at the appropriate time to ensure that your party is placed in the most favorable light, even as you cast a gloomy pall over the White House.

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Now to go back and write a better letter.