Wordsmoker

There’s been a lot of talk about zombies lately, and I can’t tell whether it’s just some hysteria created by corporate moneymaking interests or if there is any real peril out there. In either case, it seems that it might be prudent to map out some sort of survival strategy.

I’m admittedly not the foremost expert on zombie survival. In fact many people think I erred greatly when I had werewolves defeating zombies in my groundbreaking Halloween experiment Deadliest Monster – Werewolves vs. Zombies. Like most seminal treatments, there is always room for vigorous debate, but for the moment, this has to be put aside as zombies appear to pose the greater, more immediate threat.

In other words, we need a zombie plan and fast.

The biggest problem that I see is that we’re scattered over multiple geographic areas. My strategy might work for a few of you, but suggesting to someone who lives in Bucharest to provision a speed boat and secure a small island in the Caribbean is simply not practical. Therefore, I am calling for multiple plans for individual regions.

All proposals should include:

Shelter – You’re going to need to know in advance where you are going to hole up. A secure living space is a must. Remember the four S’s: security, secrecy, sleepability, sound/smell proofing. That’s actually five S’s, but sound and smell both relate to senses, so we lump those two together. If it helps you remember better, go with the five S’s, but for God’s sake, just make sure you cover them all. Don’t tax your brain trying to think of a zombie-free building; you’re just not going to find one. You’re going to have to re-kill a few of the undead to claim your space. Just try not to set yourself up for failure by choosing a hospital, train station or popular coffee shop that’s owned by a franchise that everyone claims to hate, but still has hundreds of people in it every time I want to get a medium (not Grande you pretentious fucks) black coffee.

Weaponry – A sawed off double-barrel shotgun may seem ideal, but how fast can you reload it? My video game tells me not that fast. The cartridges also tend to be a little bulky for carrying. On the other hand, a pistol reloads quickly, but lacks the knockdown power. There’s a lot to think about when selecting weapons—you definitely need more than one. Also, you need a plan to get a hold of them. Thanks to some sort of hippy putsch, Walmart™ no longer sells firearms, so that’s out. Don’t waste your time looking under the cash registers at Whole Foods™; time is of the essence. No matter how you felt about it before the Apocalypse, your local Tea Party headquarters could be your new best friend.

Transportation – You need to be fast and economical with your fuel. More importantly, you can’t be driving around in some sort of open-air vehicle like a Vespa or a soft-top Jeep. You need something that’s sturdy enough to plow through a crowd of flesh-eaters, but also gets at least twenty miles per gallon. You’ll also want to find a few gas cans to keep in the back for taking long trips, making Molotov cocktails and burning stacks of bodies.

Food Provisions – Zombies won’t be the only ones who are starving. You will need access to long-term food supplies unless you want to start one of those Michelle Obama type gardens. That’s a joke; you’ll have no time for gardening with all of the killing you’ll be doing. Plus you may have to stay on the move, and you can’t stuff a garden in a knapsack. Stick with the canned goods. There should be plenty because zombies can’t operate even the friendliest can openers, and you can use them (the cans) as weapons of last resort to smash in zombie skulls.

Teaming Up – Are you going to have a partner or colony, or are you just going to go it alone. Remember teaming up with someone is like a marriage and the pickings are slim. I’m guessing that the zombies have already wiped out or turned the best looking and most talented people, so this could be like trying to get a date at the DMV. Then again, finding attractive partners may not be your biggest problem.

Fighting The Boredom – A common misconception is that you will be so busy surviving that you won’t have any down time. That’s a video game/Hollywood movie fallacy. After the first forty-eight hours, the action is going to come at you a little more sporadically. The tough part is finding a way to relax between attack waves, while still keeping your edge. That probably means your plan to sit around and relax with a bowl or two of crippage is out. What are you going to do? No electricity. Sports are non-existent except for something really unfortunate like NASCAR (I just don’t believe that abomination will ever end). You might be able to power an iPod or something if you can get a generator working, but neither iTunes nor the App Store will function any longer. If you can’t enjoy the little things, you might as well just become one of undead. So, find a good healthy hobby to idle away the time. I don’t know, maybe start one of those popular Michelle Obama type gardens.

You can make your zombie survival plan as detailed or as basic as you like. I think you’ll see how easy surviving the undead can be if you just put a little thought into it. Here’s what mine looks like:

Shelter – My destination is Star Island in Miami. It currently boasts some of the gaudiest most stunning residences in the South Florida area. Currently Gloria Estefan, Sean Combs and Rosie O’Donnel live there, but with any luck, they’ll be dead or zombies. Because really rich people live there and it is South Florida, I would expect the houses to have hurricane proof glass, backup generators, well-stocked bars and really delicious condiments. However, the main selling point is that there is one bridge leading to the island, which I intend to blow up. This is both tactical and satisfies my bridge-blowing needs. I can shuttle to the mainland in a dingy or something.

Weapons – I have a few handguns and a Taser because I’m a cop. I will first throw away the Taser because I’ve hated that thing ever since WhyAmIHere shot me with a similar one. I also have a WWII era Japanese katana that will help me lop off heads and preserve ammo. My police department has tons of firepower, but they keep it locked up—and besides, I hate going in there when I’m off duty. My time off is for me. I’m heading down to the local high school for a SCOTUS approved locker search and commandeer all of the AK-47s and grenades from the students’ lockers.

Transportation – The jeep that my mother thinks goes well with my adventurous lifestyle is out for the reasons that I mentioned above. I’ll probably use the patrol car at first because its tank is filled with free gas. When the tank goes dry, I’ll ditch it because I don’t want to freak out the black marketeers. I’ll then get an Aston Martin, for no sound reason other than it’s an Aston Martin.

Teaming Up – It depends on who’s around really. If it’s like ninjas or Miami Heat dancers, I will probably join forces with them for very valid but different reasons. However, if it’s some precocious adolescent survivor with a quick tongue and gifted with Math skills or some such crap, I’m kicking him or her to the curb. I don’t need someone hanging about, making me feel stupid while I kill. Fuck that. My best friend, Greyson Stone, is a martial artist and helicopter pilot, but unless he can bring something else useful to the table I’m afraid that even he won’t make the cut (He’s not much of a blogger.)

Entertainment – Let’s just say that without the internet, foldable porn will be making a big comeback on Star Latrigue Island.

Post your 2011 zombie apocalypse survival plans in the comments below.

Artwork via Gaetanne Lavoie